On soap

Coworker 2: Did you just take a shower?
Coworker 3: Yeah. Because I just rode the bike and I didn't want to smell like bike.
Tara: We appreciate that you don't want to smell like bike either.
Coworker 3: Especially since bike smells like old feet.
Tara: So you would smell like old feet.
Coworker 3: Right. When I could smell like something delicious like peppermint.
Tara: There are many better things to smell like than old feet.
Coworker 3: Check out this bottle. The label looks like it was written by a schizophrenic shaman.
Tara: [Laughs until she thinks she may no longer breathe and nearly chokes on the apple she was chewing]

On quotation marks

Coworker 3: Someone sent me some changes for the newsletter and one of them is...:

They by far and away prefer debit cards to any type of credit or consumer charge cards.

and she is wondering if there should be quotes or something around "far and away"
Tara: NO
Coworker 3: which, seems very very wrong
Tara: fuck. absolutely not
Coworker 3: okay that's what i thought
Tara: I'm so tired of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: i wouldn't call them "superfluous"
Tara: I should get a t-shirt made that says: I'm so "tired" of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: lol. for sure. and i'll say, hey tara i really "like" your tshirt. air quotes will be added
Tara: are you sure you don't "really" like it?
Coworker 3: i'm going to steal it, so i'll say: i really like "your" shirt
Tara: I love it. I mean, I "love" it.

On sex offenders

Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: A sign of the apocalypse. The 18 sexiest female teacher sex offenders. (http://www.coedmagazine.com/news/6069)
Tara: Oh god.
Coworker 3: I know. I mean, what would a list of the 18 sexiest male sex offenders look like?

On douchebags

Tara: Okay, so check this out. I clicked on this google ads link in my email for "Yoga Army" dresses, and this is what I found.
Coworker 3: Wow. I like that army.
Tara: So they're apparently boob dresses. Holy crap, that one is $250.
Coworker 3: I'll pay. Hey, the google ad in my gmail says "Spanish driver sues dead crash cyclist for damage"
Tara: How do you sue a dead person?
Coworker 3: Says a businessman is suing the family for 20,000 euros for the damage the body's impact made to the car.
Tara: I'd like to change the headline to "You know how I know you're a douchebag?"

On "Teeth"

Coworker 3: So how is Cloverfield rating?
Tara: In the 70s. You know what's getting a higher rating?
Coworker 3: What?
Tara: Teeth.
Coworker 3: What's that?
Tara: Here's the trailer.
Coworker 3: Oh my god. I've had nightmares about that.
Tara: Seriously? Like for reals?
Coworker 3: It's not an uncommon dream for young guys to have. I saw a vagina with teeth in it when I was a kid and it scared the shit out of me.
Tara: Speaking as a woman, that would scare the shit out of me too.
Coworker 3: Yeah, no doubt. You'd have to get flesh dentures.
Tara: I'd probably get surgery.
Coworker 3: And I'd probably have 2 toothbrushes. You don't want to mix that.

On fashion

Coworker 3: i think your sexual orientation should be soley defined on your appearance in past decades
Tara: that would be hilarious
Coworker 3:if that was the case, my dad would have about 10 wives right now. he was like, magnum PI in the 70s and 80s
Tara: wow. he'd be a total pimp
Coworker 3: yeah, my step-dad on the other hand...would have been the first amish drag queen. he had the wrap around beard and the gayest clothes you have ever seen
Tara: that might be the funniest thing I've ever read. so you still judge him?
Coworker 3: um. short shorts, fanny pack, tucked in hawaiian shirt, 80s sunglasses, beard
Tara: okay, I judge him now
Coworker 3: if i don't judge him, history will. i wish i could get you the photo
Tara: that would be incredible
Coworker 3: even if i could, i'm not sure i would... that would cause emotional trauma equivalent to waterboarding for both him and those who see the photo. i want people to feel good about being alive
Tara: oh how I've missed you
Coworker 3: lol likewise

On pain

Tara: The thing that scares me is that the more things that get fixed, the more work I have to do.
Coworker 1: Yeah, but at least your stuff is getting fixed.
Tara: Right, but if the translations weren't messed up and the CMS broken, I could have been done a lot of this a couple of weeks ago.
Coworker 2: That's true. His stuff takes months to get fixed so it's long and painful, but your stuff is short and very painful.
Tara: So it's like a choice between childbirth and cancer.
[manic laughter born of stress and rapidly-approaching deadlines laughing all around]
Coworker 2: True!
Coworker 1: I think I'd take childbirth.
Coworker 3: I think I'd take cancer.
Coworker 2: Be careful what you wish for.
Tara: That's right. You could get cancer and a baby.
Coworker 2: Or. No. Wait. I can't do it.
Tara: What? He could get a baby with cancer?
Coworker 2: We were all thinking it.
Coworker 3: Hey, babies are born bald anyway.

On photo shoots

Tara: How'd the photo shoot go?
Coworker 3: I looked about as badass as the Care Bear Stare...

On the effects of internalizing bad language

Coworker 3: Hey Tara, is it supposed to be "Pay and Play" or "Pay n' Play"?
Tara: Hmm. I'm going to keep my initial response to myself and say that I *hope* it's "Pay and Play".
Coworker 3: I kind of figured you would.
Tara: I really hate "Pay n' Pay". I actually had a violent reaction to it in my head.
Coworker 3: Really? We'll have to stay away from it then.
Tara: The good news is, I managed to keep it inside. So maybe it'll turn into cancer later.

On Wikipedia stats

Coworker 3: Here are some poetic statistics. On the top 100 most popular pages on wikipedia.com:

26 - Hitler
27 - Britney Spears
28 - Masturbation
42 - Germany
43 - Anal Sex
69 - George W Bush
70 - Pornography
71 - The Beatles
79 - Batman
80 - Penis

Coworker 3: ????
Tara: I've got nothing... that's incredible
Coworker 3: and finally:

95 - Beowulf
96 - Vagina
97 - The Holocaust

Coworker 3: I can't believe that the tv show Scrubs is more popular than vaginas
Tara: That doesn't even make sense. Unless it's because people with vaginas like Scrubs, and vaginas ain't no thang because they've already got them ( I can't believe I said that either, but I can't think of a better way to put it)
Ken: LOL. Insightful. I think you might have something there.

On Paris Hilton

Tara: So did you watch the trailer for Repo! The Genetic Opera yet?
Coworker 3: No, not yet.
Tara: It looks incredible. Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman and Giles from "Buffy" are in it. And we might see Paris Hilton have her entrails removed
Coworker 3: Really?
Tara: From what I've read about it, it seems to be about how there are a whole bunch of organ failures so people are having their organs removed against their wills.
Coworker 3: How many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Tara: I can think of a couple that she doesn't seem to be using.
Coworker 2: [walks up to us]
Tara: Hey, how many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Coworker 2: None.
Tara: Seriously? Because she already seems to be functioning without a brain.
Coworker 2: That's not an organ for her, that's an accessory.

On naming

Coworker 1: My girlfriend doesn't understand why black people name their kids "Ebony".
Coworker 3: Why?
Tara: That's like me naming my kid "Ivory".
Coworker 3: What's wrong with that?
Tara: I read a few years ago that the Quebec government wouldn't let a couple name their kid "Ivory" because it was a brand name.
COworker 3: When I have a kid some day I'm going to name it "Shitmix two thousand and whatever year it is".
Tara: I don't think you'll be allowed.
Coworker 3: Because "Shitmix" is a brand name?
Tara: No, because it has swearing in it.
Coworker 1: You should name your kid "Douche".
Coworker 3: And I'll just tell the government it's French for bag or whatever.
Tara: I think it's french for shower.
Coworker 1: Or you can call it "La Douche".
Coworker 3: Or add an "El" so it's like "El Douch-ay".
Tara: That's a little too close to "Il Duce".
Coworker 3: What's that?

On holocausts

Coworker 3: did i tell you about my hideously morbid neteller nuclear holocaust dream?
Tara: no
Ken: .... consider yourself lucky :-P
Tara: I wish you could have seen my face when I read that line
Ken: hahahah. it wasn't even really that morbid as far as ...y'know nuclear holocausts go
Tara: is there such a thing as a happy nuclear holocaust? deformed rabbits hopping on one and a half leg through a blackened, former meadow?
Coworker 3: that's kind of happy. but i think there are much happier scenarios for a nuclear "holocaust". for example. say there's a certain type of wheat that germinates particularily well under immense radioactive bombardment and this wheat is growing next to a field of sugar cane and instead of hydrogen or uranium the bomb was made from only the finest glacial waters in the kootenay--we're talking about the nuclear payload here. now, we've got all the ingredients here for a fine tasting lager except hops. this is where things get tricky. basically, if all the people living in the target area stored a few bags of hops in their homes when the bomb detonated, it would instantly brew millions of gallons of big rock grasshopper. it would be, in effect, an alcoholocaust
Tara: I can't deal with this. I'm posting it to the blog and I need to always work with you
Coworker 3: well, i'm still working out the science behind it. but, i think it can be done
Tara: you make it happen, and everyone in Canada will be on board. I'd prefer to get trad in my house during the alcoholocaust though
Coworker 3: if you wish to have every cell in your body instantly atomized by a darker, richer flavoured explosion with a hint of nuts, then you will need to store slightly different ingredients in your neighborhood.
Tara: I can arrange that

On barbecued eel

Coworker 2: I don't like barbecued eel. It tastes like dirt.
Tara: No, it tastes like barbecue. But its texture is weird. Sort of like fish, sort of like meat.
Coworker 3: It's feet!

On other people's misery in film

Tara: I saw The Lives of Others last night. It was amazing.
Coworker 3: Really? Okay, I'll watch that if you watch Letters from Iwo Jima.
Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: It's this Clint Eastwood movie that's totally dope. About how the Japanese were preparing for 2 months for this battle against the Americans that they knew they would lose. It's in black and white and is beautiful.
Coworker 1: That sounds good.
Coworker 3: Yeah, it's not like his other movies, like Million Dollar Baby. That movie was so depressing I went and smothered my kids whispering "You don't need to live in this world anymore".
[Editor's note: he doesn't have any kids]
Coworker 1: I didn't even finish it, it was so depressing.
Coworker 3: That movie is so depressing it makes Schindler's List look like a musical comedy.
Tara: I can't believe you just said that.
Coworker 1: Schindler's list isn't that bad once you get past the first hour and a half.
Tara: What? The holocaust?
Coworker 1: I like the holocaust. At least it's entertaining.
Tara: [sitting in a puddle of abject horror] I think you just bought your ticket to Hell.
Coworker 3: You sir just demonstrated that you have your finger on the pulse of marketing. "What? It's just the holocaust. We'll make a movie about it and it'll make millions!" That's why I'm going to go home and watch United 93 and World Trade Center back to back, eating popcorn and glorifying other people's misery.
Coworker 1: I tried to watch World Trade Center and couldn't do it because Nicolas Cage is in it.
Tara: Yeah, I try to avoid his movies.
Coworker 3: You know what's next? They're going to make software so they start showing movies about the worst times in your life. "I'm going to watch the movie about that time I got dumped." "No, wait, I'm going to watch the movie about when my dad got fired. And Nicolas Cage plays my dad yelling at me to go to my room."

On the unholy triumvirate

Tara: I've never seen hentai. And I'm okay with that.
Coworker 3: You don't need to.
Coworker 1: For some reason guys send that sort of thing to each other. I still haven't ever seen goatse and I don't want to.
Tara: Yeah, I'm pretty proud that I've never seen goatse, tub girl or lemon party.
Coworker 1: Lemon party is gross. I remember seeing that, closing it and then opening it again. Because you have to look twice.
Coworker 3: [eating breakfast]
Coworker 1: Lemon party will make you cringe but tub girl actually has that gag reflex factor.
Coworker 3: [doesn't look happy to be eating breakfast at that exact moment in time]
Tara: How's that breakfast working out for you?
Coworker 3: Not so great.
Tara: I don't ever want to see them but I think that if a gun were held to my head and I had to choose one to see or die, I would choose lemon party.
Coworker 3: Ugh. No.
Coworker 1: I could see that. It would be different for a chick.
Coworker 3: You know, you just need to go ahead and do it. See them all and get it all out of the way. You know what Nietzsche said. You need to stare into the abyss...
Tara: That is goatse?

On church

Tara: I'm so glad I left early and took that nap yesterday. I ended up taking my friend to the airport much later than we had planned.
Coworker 3: You should have punched her in the face.
Tara: I'm not going to punch her in the face. She takes me to and from the airport all of the time. Plus, we go to church together.
Coworker 3: Then I would especially punch her in the face.
Tara: You'd probably punch someone in the face if they took you to church.
Coworker 3: Right, that's it.
Tara: I'll have to remember never to invite you to church, not that I was planning on it.
Coworker 3: You'd say "Do you want to come to church with me?" and I'd start making a fist and ask "What denomination?" and when you say "Cathopresbyanglibapti..." I'd start making the other fist.
Tara: Yeah, but I'd say it and you wouldn't even know anyway. I've gone to church for most of my life and I'd never heard of it before I started going.
Coworker 3: What denomination is it?
Tara: Alliance
Coworker 3: Is that the opposite of Horde?

On names

Coworker 3: New Zealand won't let these people name their baby "4real".
Tara: That's just stupid. That baby should be taken away.
Coworker 3: Then the baby would be named "4adoption".

On ruined childhoods

Tara: http://www.stevetastic.com/POST/sesamesmall.jpg
Coworker 3: awesome
Tara: a little part of my childhood just rolled up into the fetal position and died
Coworker 3: psssh, don't worry. i burned through all those pieces years ago. like kindling in the bonfire of my innocence
Tara: I thought I had a couple left. maybe not. oh wait, I still have pure memories of Jem and Rainbow Brite that can be annihilated
Coworker 3: i had a jem lite brite pattern
Tara: that's awesome
Coworker 3: but my friend donny used two red bulbs to give her glowing nipples. bonfire
Tara: okay, I guess she's ruined now too

On monkeys grabbing peaches

Tara: I like the space on the underside of the forearm just below the elbow. I don't know what I would want to get tattooed there so for now it will remain blank.
Coworker 3: You should get a monkey grabbing a peach.
Tara: Yes, I should get a picture of a monkey grabbing a peach. You know, it's interesting that they use the word "peach" for that since in literature it's used as a metaphor for the female genitalia.
Coworker 3: Oh yeah, that is interesting. What should they use then?
Tara: Monkey grabbing cherries?
Coworker 3: Monkey grabbing plums?
Tara: I guess it depends on the opponent.