Sunday, December 30, 2007

On the muffcake

Mike W: So I made you a cupcake.
Tara: That's so sweet!
Mike W: Actually, it's sort of like a muffin crossed with a cupcake, so it's a muffcake.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas to all...

Zeke: i was pretty surprised to see you were being inked out there. never figured you for a body mod
Tara: I didn't either, but it all started to click almost 2 years ago. I think I'm done though. 3 is enough. did I show you any of them before?
Zeke: not one. i was kinda surprised
Tara: hmm. that's funny. at this point I'm not sure who has and who hasn't seen them
Zeke: i have a friend who can say that about her breasts
Tara: LOL
Zeke: i am on the "seen 'em" list, unfortunately. they're nice and all, don't get me wrong....but it kinda warps the dynamic afterward

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

On kittens

Neil: So I have "The Proposition" to watch.
Tara: You're not saying we should watch it, are you?
Neil: No, for me to watch.
Natalie: I, personally, couldn't do it. There were 3 scenes that were unwatchable.
Tara: When Natalie left the first time I stayed, and she came back for a while, but there was this one point when we both realized there was a rapin' about to happen, so we were both done. I think we both actually put up our hand and said something like "I'm done!" and went to the office and looked at pictures of kittens for an hour.
Ryan: Kittens: the anti-rape!

On pain

Tara: The thing that scares me is that the more things that get fixed, the more work I have to do.
Coworker 1: Yeah, but at least your stuff is getting fixed.
Tara: Right, but if the translations weren't messed up and the CMS broken, I could have been done a lot of this a couple of weeks ago.
Coworker 2: That's true. His stuff takes months to get fixed so it's long and painful, but your stuff is short and very painful.
Tara: So it's like a choice between childbirth and cancer.
[manic laughter born of stress and rapidly-approaching deadlines laughing all around]
Coworker 2: True!
Coworker 1: I think I'd take childbirth.
Coworker 3: I think I'd take cancer.
Coworker 2: Be careful what you wish for.
Tara: That's right. You could get cancer and a baby.
Coworker 2: Or. No. Wait. I can't do it.
Tara: What? He could get a baby with cancer?
Coworker 2: We were all thinking it.
Coworker 3: Hey, babies are born bald anyway.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

On the Merry Widow House pact

Tara: Wonder bread is very soft, but over time, especially when compounded with bologna, might kill people
Natalie: i have never completely understood bologna. it kind of...frightens me. not as much as the bologna with macaroni in it, though. that's just flat out terrifying
Tara: okay, that's disgusting. I used to eat bologna when I was in highschool, but that was also when I ate burgers for breakfast
Natalie: wow
Tara: now? not so much
Natalie: wasn't there also a time you lived on those little chocolate bites?
Tara: yes. hershey, reese's and skor bits. and coca-cola
Natalie: amazing what you can do to your body =)
Tara: I'm surprised it still works
Natalie: well, you're making up for it
Tara: I'm trying. if I'm going to live to be 100, I'd at least like to do it with a strong body
Natalie: heh. agreed. I think we should make a pact =)
Tara: organic food and a home gym in the widow house? or just that we'll have a widow house, since we'll both live forever?
Natalie: I was thinking the Merry Widow House pact, yes, but organic food and home gym sounds fabulous
Tara: it absolutely needs to be called the merry widow house pact
Natalie: we can each have an office that lets a lot of light in
Tara: and you'll have a couple of cats and I'll have a french bulldog named petunia, and they'll all play nice
Natalie: they will. they'll all be the same size =)
Tara: or we get a lab, and the cats can ride it
Natalie: hee. that would work too. we'll take all of them for walks together, the cats on the dog
Tara: it'll be beautiful. the way cats and dogs were meant to be together
Natalie: as horse and rider?
Tara: I'm not sure. I didn't work it out that far yet in my head
Natalie: just the peacefulness =)

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Guest entry: On promotions

Shaynan: I'm scared
Ed: ?
Shaynan: Spirit airlines is having a MILF sale. I'm not kidding. "many islands, low fares"
Ed: That. is. awesome.
Shaynan: how does no one in their marketing department know what MILF means?
Ed: Cougars, half off!
Shaynan: "Now is the perfect time to book that trip to paradise. Spirit is offering great, low fares to many exotic destinations at incredibly low fares". that is actual copy from their promo email
Ed: Can you forward that to me?...and can I publish part of this conversation?
Shaynan: absolutely. "from $9 each way". does that mean anal is included?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

On photo shoots

Tara: How'd the photo shoot go?
Coworker 3: I looked about as badass as the Care Bear Stare...

Monday, November 26, 2007

On the effects of internalizing bad language

Coworker 3: Hey Tara, is it supposed to be "Pay and Play" or "Pay n' Play"?
Tara: Hmm. I'm going to keep my initial response to myself and say that I *hope* it's "Pay and Play".
Coworker 3: I kind of figured you would.
Tara: I really hate "Pay n' Pay". I actually had a violent reaction to it in my head.
Coworker 3: Really? We'll have to stay away from it then.
Tara: The good news is, I managed to keep it inside. So maybe it'll turn into cancer later.

Friday, November 23, 2007

On conservapedia

Marq: so I'm just reading your blog
Tara: yup
Marq: the wiki part
Tara: oh right
Marq: on boingboing last week they were comparing the top 10 articles on Wikipedia
to the top 10 articles on the Conservapedia

Tara: okay you have to find that for me
Marq: well you're already familiar with Wikipedia and their top 10:

  1. Main Page [30,090,900]
  2. Wiki [904,800]
  3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [413,400]
  4. Naruto [401,400]
  5. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock [396,000]
  6. United States [330,000]
  7. Wikipedia [329,400]
  8. Deaths in 2007 [321,300]
  9. Heroes (TV series) [307,500]
  10. Transformers (film) [303,600]
Marq: nothing too surprising there
Tara: some of those are a little surprising, but go on
Marq: however when one goes to the "conservapedia: the encyclopeda for conservative adults" it gets a little...weird
Tara: my brain is already hurting, but go on...
Marq: so before I reveal the top 10, what you would guess most conservatives are MOST curious about. and by conservative, think Right wing alarmists
Tara: Iran?
Marq: pfft. try again
Tara: Britney Spears?
Marq: BUZZZ! no
Tara: okay, I give up
Marq: well number 1 is the front page, no shocker there
Tara: sure
Marq: #2 Homosexuality‎ [1,623,939]
Tara: wow. that's a lot of hits
Marq: wanna take a stab at #2?
Tara: abortion?
Marq: #3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis‎ [518,020]
Tara: WTF?!?!?!
Marq: #4 Homosexuality and Parasites‎ [432,901]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity‎ [422,097]
number 6 is my favourite
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome‎ [401,091]
Marq: these are their stats
#9 is Homosexuality and Anal Cancer‎ [294,340]
and finally
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health‎ [293,689]
Tara: you left out domestic violence and gonorrhea?
Marq: sorry, how could I leave out the clap? please forgive me
Tara: I'll try my best. I'm looking at gay bowel syndrome right now. this is bizarre and horrifying
Marq: so to review, these are the areas of MOST CONCERN to right wing Americuh. GAY PANIC!
Tara: aren't we lucky they have "The Trustworthy Encyclopedia" to turn to?

On cultural perceptions

Random Coworker (RC): Tara - I'd like to do a content review with you.
Tara: Content review will need to be next week. Just book something when I’m free and I’ll come by.
RC: Sounds good - enjoy the weekend (blazing fire and a book?)
Tara: Video games, football, and welcoming my best friend back from her book tour :)
RC: Sounds good. My wife is back from India this evening, it will probably be "I've got so much to tell you", then ZZZZZZZ.
Tara: Just based on that statement it sounds like her life is way more exciting than mine.
RC: Maybe, but she doesn't play soccer. I'll tell you all about it next week.
Tara: Me neither. NFL, nachos and drinks all the way ;)
RC: What was I thinking (slap forehead)!
Tara: You’re thinking like a Brit again ;)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

On Wikipedia stats

Coworker 3: Here are some poetic statistics. On the top 100 most popular pages on

26 - Hitler
27 - Britney Spears
28 - Masturbation
42 - Germany
43 - Anal Sex
69 - George W Bush
70 - Pornography
71 - The Beatles
79 - Batman
80 - Penis

Coworker 3: ????
Tara: I've got nothing... that's incredible
Coworker 3: and finally:
95 - Beowulf
96 - Vagina
97 - The Holocaust

Coworker 3: I can't believe that the tv show Scrubs is more popular than vaginas
Tara: That doesn't even make sense. Unless it's because people with vaginas like Scrubs, and vaginas ain't no thang because they've already got them ( I can't believe I said that either, but I can't think of a better way to put it)
Ken: LOL. Insightful. I think you might have something there.

Monday, November 19, 2007

On Super Mario Galaxy

Kyle: So I picked up Super Mario Galaxy.
Tara: Nice! How is it?
Kyle: Awesome! It's like happiness shits in your brain.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Things said during Catan with bible study crew

Kevin: I'm going to mono for brick.
Renee: Jerkwad.
Everyone else: [laughs]
Renee: I mean, Praise the Lord!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

On betrayal buns

Tara: okay, I've just had a bite of the worst cinnamon bun ever. I think that's the first food betrayal I've had at the cafeteria and I was even warned that it wasn't very good
Natalie: bad cinnamon buns are so disappointing. you want them to be good. and then BETRAYAL
Tara: well, typically they're light and fluffy and sticky and have a delicious creamy sugary icing right?
Natalie: yes indeed. like a cinnabon. the ultimate cinnamon bun
Tara: not so with the betrayal cinnamon bun. the pastry was dense and a little hard, not particularly moist, definitely not sticky, and the icing wasn't sweet and tasted sort of like sour cream or cream cheese. BETRAYED.
Natalie: boo! totally betrayed
Tara: it's the betrayal bun
Natalie: give me a minute
[roughly a minute passes]
Natalie: there you go. a poem about your cinnamon bun

Betrayal Bun

deceptive pastry
your swirl malevolence
no sugar can cover
your cruellest crumbling

I bite trusting
expect give and unctuous fullness
disappointment cracks my palate
like teeth shattered against a coin
expecting chocolate
shattered enamel

hope of tastiness
dashed and useless
as broken teeth in my hand

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Guest entry: on looking like William Shatner

Ed's mom: [describing her physical state the previous day] I looked like William Shatner's mother.
Ed: What?
Ed's mom: What? You take William Shatner, bloat him up a bit and put on breasts on him, that's what I looked like.
Ed: [frantically starts writing for Tara's benefit]

Friday, November 2, 2007

On merkins

Marq: your blog has inspired me to examine again
Tara: and? how'd that go?
Tara: naturally
Marq: I should be escorted out shortly
Tara: it's funny that we can google search anything or see anything on wikipedia regardless of what it's a description of
Marq: like "merkin"
Tara: I don't know what that is and now I have to look and I'm probably going to regret it
Marq: you don't know what a merkin is?
Tara: no
Marq: shall I descibe it?
Tara: no, that's fine. wikipedia just told me. that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard of.
Marq: it is. I try to use the word in conversation as much as possible. if no one is looking you can google image search it
Tara: no need. there's a bright pink one on wikipedia
Marq: I found a sequined one
Tara: sequined eh? wow. liberace would have loved that
Marq: Some saftey instructions I found on the intertoobs: "Your merkin is highly flammable. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Tara: that's awesome. but really, if you manage to set a merkin aflame while wearing it, you probably deserve some crotch burns

On language delerium

Tara: I think it's funny how many people think tattoos are not real. Like we'd go to the trouble of getting an incredibly intricate fake tattoo that will look that crisp and real
Natalie: heh. I know
Tara: seriously, where the hell do you get a fake tattoo of a thumbscrew these days?
Natalie: what else could it be?
Tara: sharpie!
Natalie: I know!
Tara: I'm very good at writing greek upsidedown with my left hand. don't know if you knew that about me. I don't like to brag too much
Natalie: ha!
Tara: I've been writing for 3 solid days so I'm a bit of a dink at this point
Natalie: you're awesome when you're all language delerious
Tara: and I'm firmly planted there. you're gonna need farm equipment to get me out at this point
Natalie: you've built a house there?
Tara: yes. I started gardening. it's just phonemes peeking out at this point, but we'll see what happens
Natalie: well, they're a good starter crop
Tara: I'm hoping for a bunch of adverbs, use them in a salad
Natalie: will you rotate to articles next season?
Tara: I could. that's a good idea. as soon as I said "adverbs" I pictured "radishes"
Natalie: word salad!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

On tattoos, parte the seconde

Coworker 1: I wanna get a tattoo. Probably a collage on my back.
Coworker 3: Hey, do you have any tattoos?
Contractor: No, I can't commit to anything enough to get it put on my body.
Coworker 1: I'm gonna get one on my face.
Coworker 3: [laughs] On your face, eh? What are you going to get?
Tara: Another face?
Coworker 1: A big star like that guy from Kiss.
Coworker 3: Paul Stanley? Okay, if you get that, I'll get a cat nose and whiskers on my face.
Contractor: I don't know if I can spend time with you guys if you're going to be such a bad influence on me.
Tara: What's so bad about a cat nose and whiskers?

On garbage cans

Coworker 2: I'm going to use your private garbage can.
Tara: But that's my private garbage can!

Friday, October 26, 2007

On degrees of fugliness

Tara: Okay, that's fugly.
Coworker: What's fugly?
Tara: This email. It's completely fugly. And I don't use the word "fugly" that often.
Coworker: That's not just fugly, that's motherfugly.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

On Paris Hilton

Tara: So did you watch the trailer for Repo! The Genetic Opera yet?
Coworker 3: No, not yet.
Tara: It looks incredible. Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman and Giles from "Buffy" are in it. And we might see Paris Hilton have her entrails removed
Coworker 3: Really?
Tara: From what I've read about it, it seems to be about how there are a whole bunch of organ failures so people are having their organs removed against their wills.
Coworker 3: How many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Tara: I can think of a couple that she doesn't seem to be using.
Coworker 2: [walks up to us]
Tara: Hey, how many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Coworker 2: None.
Tara: Seriously? Because she already seems to be functioning without a brain.
Coworker 2: That's not an organ for her, that's an accessory.

On the worst person in the world

Marq: Have you seen the website of the "worst person in the world?"
Tara: No. And you need to see this trailer:
Marq: not Paris Hilton
Tara: seriously. it's hilarious
Marq: ok but you have to look at this guy.
Tara: I've never heard of this guy
Marq: but you can sense the awesome be sure to check out his 'fitness' page
Tara: oh dear. now I see the email he sent her. he is a douche
Marq: yeah, just a little. even outside of the letter, that website is just ... shocking
Tara: yeah... that fitness page is just sad
Marq: he looks like he's poopin
Tara: yes, yes he does
Marq: screams for lol-catting

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

On tattoos

Tara: My friend got a tattoo of a set of thumbscrews on her wrist.
Random female coworker: Oh yeah? I should get a guillotine on my wrist.
Random male coworker: Better than getting it somewhere else...

On why some of my friends are evil

Tara: I'm not getting a console just for DDR when I'm at your place and Chris's 3 or 4 times a week.
Ed: You're using logic and reasoning again. Those have no place at work, you know that. (:
Tara: I know. it doesn't happen often, so let's not get rid of it this time.
Ed: Guitar Hero?
Tara: I'm not buying a console
Ed: (:
Tara: It doesn't make sense for me to do it when I'm not home most of the time. And you see me playing my DS about 95% of the time that I actually play it. I didn't like guitar hero anyway.
Ed: That's a shame.
Tara: I don't need a Wii. you just want to feel less bad about getting 8 games within the span of a month. peddle your crack elsewhere ;)
Ed: Oh, no, I understand very clearly that I'm both an addict and a terrible person. (...but I'm also a client!) commercial runs through my head)
Tara: I think I'm just the wrong person to try and convince to buy a console. I've had Ryan's cube since March and have played for about 15 total hours
Ed: I'm just trying to make myself feel better for the amount of money I'm going to be spending in November, is all.
Tara: I know it, and I'm not doing it this time. sure, I'll buy 3 DS games at once, but I'm not buying a console :)

On why we need to proofread (guest entry)

Ed: Do I need access for these?
Coworker: Yes I am have just requested it for you
Ed: Can we are have adding permissions ourselves, or do we am have to request it from another group?

On terrible ideas

Marq: So imagine for a second you are the president of a country and you want to raise a monument to a highly contraversial figure from your country's past. IE: many people love him, but a similar number hate him. What material would you use for said monument?
Tara: probably some sort of stone or concrete.Why?
Marq: Do you think glass would be a good choice?
Tara: No, not really. Glass isn't a great choice for any monument.
Marq: Then congratulations, you're smarter than Hugo Chavez.
Tara: That seems like a terrible idea
Marq: I think those are the only kind of ideas he has. Terrible ones.
Tara: This is the first I've heard of, so in my books he's 1 for 1 on terrible ideas.
Marq: Not to get off on a Chavez rant, but in terms of terrible-ness, this one is pretty minor compared to some of just doozys.
Tara: How many wackos are holding office around the world right now? I'm getting the sense there are way too many.
Marq: Yeah, it's time we learned that democracy just doesn't work.
Tara: True, but I'd like to know what the alternatives are before moving away from it.
Marq: Serfdom?
Tara: "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"
Marq: By the Baron? That's what Barons do
Tara: I was quoting monty python, but sure. It depends on who the Baron is.
Marq: I wish I was a Baron. Droit de seigneur seems like a pretty good deal ...for the Baron
Tara: What would you do with it? I suspect your wife wouldn't be totally cool with you deflowering virgins, even if it is a legal right.
Marq: Yeah, I should have considered that. Perhaps it's for the best that I am not a baron

Monday, October 22, 2007

On dancing birds

Natalie: Okay, you have to see this.

Neil: Fuck that bird.
Tara: Are you just mad because it has rhythm?
Neil: Yes!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

On bigfoot

Marq: have you ever wondered about male bigfoots and female bigfoots (bigfeet)?
Tara: um... no. why?
Marq: well you only ever hear of apparently male Bigfoots rampaging thru mountain towns
so how do they breed? .... Nevermind, I have the answer, in the form of a movie poster

Tara: that's amazing
Mark: I'll sleep soundly tonight
Tara: no kidding, except it might breed with you
Mark: I sleep on my back
Tara: that's probably for the best

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

On spam

Tara: I thought I was getting my first nigerian spam email and it turns out to just be pharmaceutical spam. I'm actually disappointed now
Marq: boner pills?
Tara: yes
Marq: well that's too bad, but at least you get to say the word "boner" today

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

On why I love IMing with my brother sometimes

Michael: So I just got off the phone with dad and he says Aunt Jeanne's going to talk to a lawyer.
Tara: What's your phone number?
Michael: Why?
Tara: I have to leave in 10 minutes. I want to talk to you about this, but it's quicker to talk on the phone than to type.
Michael: [gives phone number]
Tara: [dials number]
Michael: brb. the phone's ringing.
Tara: [laughs]
[conversation ensues wherein I'm filled in on the latest family news. when it's over I return to my computer to check the weather before I leave]
Michael: Ok i'm back.
Tara: You're hilarious
Michael: [sunglasses guy emoticon]
Tara: I just laughed out loud
Michael: I'm glad. Ok I'm going for real this time. ttyl
Tara: k bye

On ringtones

Tara: Is that someone's ringtone?
Natalie: Yeah. It sounds all ethereal and stuff. Your ringtone always sounds like a mystery's being solved, like at the end of CSI.

On D&D and racial profiling

Natalie: You know in D&D how they have half-elves? What do they call a 1/8 elf? An elveroon?

On Elebits

Ed: I'm trying to get a copy of Rune Factory on Game Trader. I think I can trade Elebits for it.
Tara: Oh yeah, you didn't like that did you?
Natalie: Well, the tutorial wasw so fun and then the game... not so much.
Ed: It's the equivalent of an "I've lost my keys and I'm late for work" game.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

On naming

Coworker 1: My girlfriend doesn't understand why black people name their kids "Ebony".
Coworker 3: Why?
Tara: That's like me naming my kid "Ivory".
Coworker 3: What's wrong with that?
Tara: I read a few years ago that the Quebec government wouldn't let a couple name their kid "Ivory" because it was a brand name.
COworker 3: When I have a kid some day I'm going to name it "Shitmix two thousand and whatever year it is".
Tara: I don't think you'll be allowed.
Coworker 3: Because "Shitmix" is a brand name?
Tara: No, because it has swearing in it.
Coworker 1: You should name your kid "Douche".
Coworker 3: And I'll just tell the government it's French for bag or whatever.
Tara: I think it's french for shower.
Coworker 1: Or you can call it "La Douche".
Coworker 3: Or add an "El" so it's like "El Douch-ay".
Tara: That's a little too close to "Il Duce".
Coworker 3: What's that?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

On ice cream

Natalie: Isn't the avocado ice cream so good?
Tara: I know. I think I'm going to mix it now with the mango.
Matthew: You were the queen of mixing ice cream when you were younger. I remember you always mixing Neopolitan.
Natalie: Neopolitan is like the asshole of ice creams.

On pro athletes failing urine tests

Natalie: I think I should sell fraudulent pee on the Internet.

Friday, October 5, 2007

On smurfs

Tara: Natalieeeeeeee!
Natalie: What?
Tara: Neil's there!
Natalie: Neil's where?
Tara: He's drunk!
Neil: No I'm not. I'm just happy.
Tara: You're like a smurf.
Neil: Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Natalie: [mocking] Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Neil: I hate you all.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

On things without shame

Tara: Daisy, you have no shame.
Daisy: [Wags tail like a maniac, even though she's laying down]
Tara: I'm taking a photo of this.
Daisy: [Continues to wag tail like a maniac]

Thursday, September 27, 2007

On boring meetings

Tara: a little over an hour and I get to go get my butter chicken :D. gross. then I have an hour long meeting directly after lunch. I kid you not, it's called "SharePoint Governance". I'm on the sharepoint governance committee.
Ed: Sounds.....(thump of unconscious body hitting desk)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

On why she uses the feather

Gabrielle: [playing Super Mario Bros on GBA] This level I use the feather to fly because it's a really hard level. The sun flies down and tries to get you. It's a mad sun. It had a hard time at home.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

On why it was okay for her friend to come over even though her parents weren't home yet

Gabrielle: [on phone with friend] My best friend is here and she's an adult so you can come over. She lives here and... she's an adult. She's short, but... yeah. So you can come over.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

Monday, September 24, 2007

On turds, gunts and titmice

Tara: So I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when my brother is here next Friday. Saturday Natalie's going to do a thanksgiving dinner, and then Rosanne's doing hers on the Sunday.
Marq: Nice.
Tara: Yeah, Natalie's thinking about doing a turducken.
Marq: Where does one find a deboned duck? Or the other things in turducken?
Tara: I'm not sure. I think you can just buy turduckens at some butchers.
Marq: I don't think "turducken" is a very good portmanteau. The word "turd" should not be a part of the name for any food.
Tara: [giggles] Ha! You said "turd". I can't deal with that word or "gunt". They make me laugh every time I hear them unexpectedly.
Marq: [laughs] Gunt! "Titmouse" does that to me too.
Tara: [laughs too hard at the word "titmouse" to respond, wipes some tears away] That's beautiful.

Friday, September 21, 2007

On holocausts

Coworker 3: did i tell you about my hideously morbid neteller nuclear holocaust dream?
Tara: no
Ken: .... consider yourself lucky :-P
Tara: I wish you could have seen my face when I read that line
Ken: hahahah. it wasn't even really that morbid as far as ...y'know nuclear holocausts go
Tara: is there such a thing as a happy nuclear holocaust? deformed rabbits hopping on one and a half leg through a blackened, former meadow?
Coworker 3: that's kind of happy. but i think there are much happier scenarios for a nuclear "holocaust". for example. say there's a certain type of wheat that germinates particularily well under immense radioactive bombardment and this wheat is growing next to a field of sugar cane and instead of hydrogen or uranium the bomb was made from only the finest glacial waters in the kootenay--we're talking about the nuclear payload here. now, we've got all the ingredients here for a fine tasting lager except hops. this is where things get tricky. basically, if all the people living in the target area stored a few bags of hops in their homes when the bomb detonated, it would instantly brew millions of gallons of big rock grasshopper. it would be, in effect, an alcoholocaust
Tara: I can't deal with this. I'm posting it to the blog and I need to always work with you
Coworker 3: well, i'm still working out the science behind it. but, i think it can be done
Tara: you make it happen, and everyone in Canada will be on board. I'd prefer to get trad in my house during the alcoholocaust though
Coworker 3: if you wish to have every cell in your body instantly atomized by a darker, richer flavoured explosion with a hint of nuts, then you will need to store slightly different ingredients in your neighborhood.
Tara: I can arrange that

Why she's my favourite kid

Tara: Stop tickling my ribs with your toes!
Gabrielle: Stop tickling my toes with your ribs!
Tara: My ribs don't move on their own!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

On barbecued eel

Coworker 2: I don't like barbecued eel. It tastes like dirt.
Tara: No, it tastes like barbecue. But its texture is weird. Sort of like fish, sort of like meat.
Coworker 3: It's feet!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

On Celine Dion

Tara: hey dude. do you know where Neil is?
Natalie: right next to me=). he hates you
Tara: why? oh. right. the video

Natalie: yep. the video
Tara: tell him it's payback for his friend's blog. I'm just sharing pain with the rest of you :). is that not the worst video ever?
Natalie: it is HORRIBLE
Tara: I know. it's so bad I considered not listening to music anymore
Natalie: ever again? any music?
Tara: yes. but then changed my mind. it was a brief thought
Natalie: but it still almost destroyed music for you forever, and that amuses me
Tara: oh yes, she did do that. but really, I'm surprised she hasn't done that for more people
Natalie: I hate celine dion more than I can ever express to you. I hope that cancer bees rape her in the eyeballs
Tara: I'm trying not to laugh loudly.
Natalie: that's the best picture ever

Sunday, September 16, 2007

On bromanties

Chris: Karrie and I are going to finish 'In Her Shoes' tomorrow night.
Tara: I still can't believe you like that movie. You have more of a
uterus than I do.
Chris: I'm wearing my manties!
Tara: You're *what*?
Ryan: I overheard it at school. It's genius because it's so obvious.
Tara: Please name Chris' mangina, Natalie. He's out of hand.
Natalie: Hmm...ah. I have it. Lady Winnifred Cockleshell Herringbone III.
Tara: Amazing.
Chris: Manties!
Tara: Best new word ever.
Natalie: What about bromance? I still like that one.
Chris: Would those involved in a bromance wear bromanties?
Ryan: Bromanties sounds like a greek god.
Natalie: Yeah. Bromantes, god of saunas and foreskin.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Heard at Blow-Out

Chris E: That's me. [points to Miss Lamp]
Tara: That's not you, that's your book you liar.
Blow-Out Attendee: [laughs] Is this your wife?
Tara and Chris E: [laughs] No, no no no.
Blow-Out Attendee: Does she cook you breakfast a couple of times a week?
Tara: I cook for no one.

On hateful cupcakes

Tara: There was a good post last week where there's the line "Nazis don't get cupcakes".
Ryan: What if it's a Nazi cupcake?
Tara: There's no such thing.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake with a swastika on it?
Tara: Nope, they don't get them.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake that hates Jews?
Tara: I don't think there's a such thing. Cupcakes don't hate.
Ryan: What if there's a cupcake that doesn't like black people?
Tara: No, no such thing.
Ryan: Listen. The Nazi cupcakes are made by crazy Nazi mad scientists. Nazi cupcakes are born, not bred.

On homicide

Neil's friend: So there was that quintuple murder-suicide in Victoria.
Neil: WHAT?!
Tara: Yeah. Didn't you hear about that? A guy in the middle of a divorce killed his wife, their kid, her parents and then himself, all with a knife.
Neil: Well that's how you know he means it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

On naked mole rats

Tara: someone sent me a photo of a naked mole rat. it looks like a penis with front teeth
Natalie: you can't just SAY THAT TO ME when I am SWALLOWING LIQUID. that. is. amazing.

On other people's misery in film

Tara: I saw The Lives of Others last night. It was amazing.
Coworker 3: Really? Okay, I'll watch that if you watch Letters from Iwo Jima.
Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: It's this Clint Eastwood movie that's totally dope. About how the Japanese were preparing for 2 months for this battle against the Americans that they knew they would lose. It's in black and white and is beautiful.
Coworker 1: That sounds good.
Coworker 3: Yeah, it's not like his other movies, like Million Dollar Baby. That movie was so depressing I went and smothered my kids whispering "You don't need to live in this world anymore".
[Editor's note: he doesn't have any kids]
Coworker 1: I didn't even finish it, it was so depressing.
Coworker 3: That movie is so depressing it makes Schindler's List look like a musical comedy.
Tara: I can't believe you just said that.
Coworker 1: Schindler's list isn't that bad once you get past the first hour and a half.
Tara: What? The holocaust?
Coworker 1: I like the holocaust. At least it's entertaining.
Tara: [sitting in a puddle of abject horror] I think you just bought your ticket to Hell.
Coworker 3: You sir just demonstrated that you have your finger on the pulse of marketing. "What? It's just the holocaust. We'll make a movie about it and it'll make millions!" That's why I'm going to go home and watch United 93 and World Trade Center back to back, eating popcorn and glorifying other people's misery.
Coworker 1: I tried to watch World Trade Center and couldn't do it because Nicolas Cage is in it.
Tara: Yeah, I try to avoid his movies.
Coworker 3: You know what's next? They're going to make software so they start showing movies about the worst times in your life. "I'm going to watch the movie about that time I got dumped." "No, wait, I'm going to watch the movie about when my dad got fired. And Nicolas Cage plays my dad yelling at me to go to my room."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

On the king of Emotown

Neil: would you like to read something truly emo?
Tara: uh... sure? who wrote it?
Neil: did i ever tell you about the writer in my class, captain mcemo pants?
Tara: I think so, but I can't remember which one he is
Neil: he's the overly dramatic, self-hating overweight gossip who reminds me in some twisted way of the guy i was (but not) in high school.
Tara: I'm not sure that sounds familiar. You may have talked about him, but I just don't remember. that's enough of a preamble to emo though
Neil: ah. well...i'm not sure how this will translate if you don't know him, but his blog is's painful, is what it is. [URL withheld to protect the innocent]
Tara: "I didn't get the girl either." ugh
Neil: i know!
Tara: that's awful
Neil: i know! it's so overwrought.
Tara: oh dear: "They may be getting better ratings now, but I doubt they remember the one-man fighting army that fought for anime in that company. I had to fight for the anime not be taken out even at the risk of my job." one-man fighting army eh?
Neil: army of one, dear. army. of. one. seriously, i think he writes the way 13-15 year old boys feel.
Tara: the entry from Sunday, September 2nd, 2007 makes me want to kill myself just to get away from it. "I'm suffering from one-titis..."
Neil: see, that makes me feel better about my essential humanity. his life is a perpetual emotional trainwreck. from "what about love": If I can keep a bit of my naivette, it's my idealistic outlook on love. It'll never happen, hell I don't even believe in marriage anymore. I only believe in the monetary benefits of it.
Tara: oh come on. okay, this might win the WTF award:

I'll only be convinced my work is good if somebody actually totally dedicated themselves as true fans or if someone buys it for great amounts of money. Other than that, I will simply deny that my work is any good. I'll believe in it, only to sell it. But deep inside I know my work sucks. It doesn't have critical acclaim, I'll just sell it. Like a whore on the streets, I'll whore it out until someone really gets it and goes for it.

from then on it's contradiction after contradiction. Tara: I feel bad for him, and yet I don't know that I can ever read his blog again
Neil: yeah. i feel bad for him, too, but he does do it to himself. and he's kind of two faced. he said some shit about the scientist that was uncool. and about me. but never to our faces. we just heard about it afterward and, well, he's got this whole inner world that's just...fascinating.
Tara: yeah. it makes me a little glad he's far away though. there are inner worlds, and then there are inner worlds where you're the King of Emotown, wading through puddles of tears and lost dreams. I still feel bad for him, but to a point
Neil: well, he does bathe in the fountain of his lost innocence. right next to the boulevard of broken dreams. that street he's on? it's got no name. and the sun never shines. winter approaches.
Tara: okay, but I don't think you referred to yourself that way anyway
Neil: the karma one. it's amazing. "what are you doing today, captain mcemo pants?" "what am i doing? me? karmic survivor? emotional holocaust victim? i am pushing forward. waging war against a mediocrity that fails to understand my genuis...and the chinese girls who refuse to date me"
Tara: FUck you Karma eh?
Neil: yes! "you just have to kill me"
Tara: his passion and will are ironclad, but are his underpants?
Neil: that is the question.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

On games I don't play

Natalie: Were you the one who told me about the "punch you in the asshole" game or was that my brother?
Mike: Uh, that was your brother. [turns to me] Tara, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not going to play that game with you.
Tara: That's fine. I don't play that game.
Mike: Natalie, you're going to have to play it yourself. You'll be there punching yourself in the asshole and then you'll wonder "why am I punching myself? I like myself"
Natalie: Is that like a donkey punch?
Mike and Tara and Ed: NO!!!
Natalie: Well what is it?
[Mike explains what it is. Wikipedia description]
Tara: I hate you guys. I can't write all of this down.
Natalie: Your blog post should be called "Donkey punch in the asshole game"

On mother nature

Jade: Did anyone else see that commercial? Why is mother nature dressed up like some sort of hoochie mama who just came off a runway?
Natalie: Because even mother nature needs the cock.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

On lying

Natalie: You're back! And what did you bring?
Neil: Chips and eggs. I participated.
Tara: Barely!
Neil: I chose the chips.
Tara: Yeah, but you chose sour cream and onion just because I said it.
Natalie: I like sour cream and onion chips.
Neil: And I knew that. [pauses] Actually I'm lying.
Natalie: You're a professional liar.
Neil: That's very true.
Tara: I suppose, because I'm in marketing, I'm a professional liar too.
Natalie: That's true!
Tara: But I make more money.
Natalie: That's because you lie for the man.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

On the unholy triumvirate

Tara: I've never seen hentai. And I'm okay with that.
Coworker 3: You don't need to.
Coworker 1: For some reason guys send that sort of thing to each other. I still haven't ever seen goatse and I don't want to.
Tara: Yeah, I'm pretty proud that I've never seen goatse, tub girl or lemon party.
Coworker 1: Lemon party is gross. I remember seeing that, closing it and then opening it again. Because you have to look twice.
Coworker 3: [eating breakfast]
Coworker 1: Lemon party will make you cringe but tub girl actually has that gag reflex factor.
Coworker 3: [doesn't look happy to be eating breakfast at that exact moment in time]
Tara: How's that breakfast working out for you?
Coworker 3: Not so great.
Tara: I don't ever want to see them but I think that if a gun were held to my head and I had to choose one to see or die, I would choose lemon party.
Coworker 3: Ugh. No.
Coworker 1: I could see that. It would be different for a chick.
Coworker 3: You know, you just need to go ahead and do it. See them all and get it all out of the way. You know what Nietzsche said. You need to stare into the abyss...
Tara: That is goatse?

Guest Entry: When you're young, in love and nerdly

Ed: Natalie! You have to watch this. This is awesome.
Natalie: what's up?
Natalie: okay
Ed: It's a review for Bioshock, and it's the way I want all my games reviewed.
Natalie: oh my god. "I wasn't aware the boiled water could form allegiances". "fuck the pope". I think I just peed.
Ed: See?!
Natalie: Ah!!!
Ed: It's brilliant and it's at a pace I can follow.
Natalie: "In the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of hitler and skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence."
Ed: Indeed.
Natalie: [heart]
Ed: You're welcome.
Natalie: thanks [equal smile]

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

On Nazis and cupcakes and not getting them

Natalie: So I was reading the other day about how there's a Neo-Nazi group here in Calgary.
Tara: Seriously?
Natalie: Yeah. They're in Kensington. Scary with fucking jackboots and neck tattoos.
Tara: But Kensington? That's our favourite neighbourhood with the best cupcakes and my tattoo guy.
Natalie: Nazis don't get cupcakes!
Tara: No. Nazis DON'T get cupcakes!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Guest entry: Things said at the sabbath

[Editor's note: I've been away for a week and a half and missed this week's Sabbath. Natalie was kind enough to send me a couple of gems from last night's sabbath.]

Natalie: So the elf mage has to stay behind because she's a woman.
Neil: Yep, See, she's in bed in a nighty and looks flushed. Clearly some sort of woman sickness prevents her from adventuring.
Natalie: a touch of the hysteria perhaps.
Neil: It's totally her uterus.
Natalie: why does that other chick get to go, though?
ryan: That other woman's had a hysterectomy.


ryan: Vulcans are the elves of space.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

On used bookstore finds

Tara: okay, so Cambridge? AWESOME. I took no photos because I just wanted to look around and take everything in, but it's so beautiful here
Ed: That is very cool, that.
Tara: I went into a used bookstore and found a nearly complete set of Alexander Pope books from 1745 on the shelves. on the damn shelves
Ed: That's the slowest stock turnover I've ever heard of.

On spiders

Karin: SPIDER!
Tara: What?
Karin: There's a spider. Can you kill it?
Tara: Sure. Wow, it's moving fast. [goes and gets toilet paper]
Karin: It's under the bed now.
Tara: Where? Oh. I need more toilet paper. That's big enough to be its own ecosystem.
Karin: That's not even a really big one.
Tara: It's plenty big enough. [catches spider] This guy's getting the big flush.

On shame

Karin: Remember him?
Tara: No. He's really hot though.
Karin: That's Sam. Remember him?
Tara: No.
Karin: Becky's little brother.
Tara: You're joking. He looks like he's at least 30.
Karin: He's probably 19.
Tara: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Conversation on the plane to England

[flight attendant hands out landing card to be filled out and handed over to customs]
Girl on plane: Do you need a pen?
Tara: No thanks.
[entire conversation for 9 hours. her book sure looked interesting]

Friday, August 17, 2007

On church

Tara: I'm so glad I left early and took that nap yesterday. I ended up taking my friend to the airport much later than we had planned.
Coworker 3: You should have punched her in the face.
Tara: I'm not going to punch her in the face. She takes me to and from the airport all of the time. Plus, we go to church together.
Coworker 3: Then I would especially punch her in the face.
Tara: You'd probably punch someone in the face if they took you to church.
Coworker 3: Right, that's it.
Tara: I'll have to remember never to invite you to church, not that I was planning on it.
Coworker 3: You'd say "Do you want to come to church with me?" and I'd start making a fist and ask "What denomination?" and when you say "Cathopresbyanglibapti..." I'd start making the other fist.
Tara: Yeah, but I'd say it and you wouldn't even know anyway. I've gone to church for most of my life and I'd never heard of it before I started going.
Coworker 3: What denomination is it?
Tara: Alliance
Coworker 3: Is that the opposite of Horde?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

On Nigella Lawson's boobs

Tara: 6 people have found my site by looking up "nigella lawson boobs", but there's also one who looked up "+"nigella lawson" +boobs" and one who looked up "nigella boobs". I think we know what the internet wants...
Natalie: nigella lawson's saucy british boobs, of course
Tara: she does have excellent boobs, but really... they must be disappointed when they hit my site. they should just watch her show
Natalie: but they must do regular internet searches and be constantly vigilant until the secret nigella sex tape appears
Tara: but who is she with? is it Gordon Ramsey? Jamie Oliver? God forbid, it might even be her husband!
Natalie: Oh no. it's just nigella. and all her kitchen gadgets
Tara: I suspect if that made its way on the internet, some people might never leave their homes

On tossing off

Ed: I just received mail from a guy named David Tosoff. I'm so sorry to hear about that name...
Tara: no kidding
Ed: I had to explain it to Natalie.
Tara: I'm thinking just "toss off"

Ed: That is hilarious. ...and I just received mail from an unfortunate IT guy named David Tosoff.
Natalie: oh? why unfortunate?
Ed: In the 80s, tossing off was a euphemism for masturbation.
Natalie: oh! I see [equal smile] back when dinosaurs roamed the earth
Ed: Shut up.
Tara: ah. yeah, I didn't know that either
Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.
Ed: That's for the best.
Tara: I like to think so


Tara: I think I might have just broken Ed's heart. I didn't know what a toss off was either
Natalie: hee. I made a comment about it being in the vernacular during the Jurassic period
Tara: :)
Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.
Natalie: poor Ed
Tara: I know. but really, there's no reason for a girl who was born in '79 to know that. I certainly couldn't "toss off"
Natalie: absolutely not. laughing
Tara: still can't, as far as I know
Natalie: unless you're a miracle of science, no

Friday, August 10, 2007

On names

Coworker 3: New Zealand won't let these people name their baby "4real".
Tara: That's just stupid. That baby should be taken away.
Coworker 3: Then the baby would be named "4adoption".

Thursday, August 9, 2007

On ruined childhoods

Coworker 3: awesome
Tara: a little part of my childhood just rolled up into the fetal position and died
Coworker 3: psssh, don't worry. i burned through all those pieces years ago. like kindling in the bonfire of my innocence
Tara: I thought I had a couple left. maybe not. oh wait, I still have pure memories of Jem and Rainbow Brite that can be annihilated
Coworker 3: i had a jem lite brite pattern
Tara: that's awesome
Coworker 3: but my friend donny used two red bulbs to give her glowing nipples. bonfire
Tara: okay, I guess she's ruined now too

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

On symbols

Marq: So I saw the weirdest thing in the mall yesterday.
Tara: What's that?
Marq: A youngish woman, in her 20's, with matching skull and crossbones tattoos on her upper chest. So, on her boobs essentially.
Tara: Dammit she stole my idea! :)
Marq: Being as the skull and crossbones symbol is pretty much internationally recognized as "poison," do you think she''ll appreciate the implications of breastfeeding?
Tara: I have no idea, but that's amazing
Marq: Like she could have used a different symbol for at least one of them...
High Voltage
anything but poison
Tara: Or she knows what she's really like and isn't afraid to say it. Or really likes pirates and didn't think about the poison symbol.
Marq: I suppose BioHazard might be the only worse choice she could have made.
Tara: Combustible might end a sex life
Marq: Or...
enhance it ;)

Friday, August 3, 2007

Things said while watching Rome

Setting the stage: Tara and Ed are watching an episode of Rome. Agrippa is awkwardly trying to tell Octavia that he wants her. Octavia says "I shall always love you like a brother."

Ed: Uh oh, that's not good for him.
Tara: Naw, it's fine. Remember, she slept with her brother.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

On Canadian literature

Tara: I'd like to read more from Indian writers.
Coworker 2: Have you read The God of Small Things?
Tara: That's the one with the brother and the sister right?
Coworker 2: Yes.
Tara: Yes, I've read it. I actually thought it was Canadian since most Canadian novels have incest in them.

On monkeys grabbing peaches

Tara: I like the space on the underside of the forearm just below the elbow. I don't know what I would want to get tattooed there so for now it will remain blank.
Coworker 3: You should get a monkey grabbing a peach.
Tara: Yes, I should get a picture of a monkey grabbing a peach. You know, it's interesting that they use the word "peach" for that since in literature it's used as a metaphor for the female genitalia.
Coworker 3: Oh yeah, that is interesting. What should they use then?
Tara: Monkey grabbing cherries?
Coworker 3: Monkey grabbing plums?
Tara: I guess it depends on the opponent.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

On drunks and babies

Marq: and speaking of cute babies, check out this video of my son.
Tara: that's so great!
Marq: yeah, that's the first time he took more than 3 stumbling steps in a row
Tara: I totally see why people think babies look like they're drunk when they just start walking
Marq: oh he is totally my little drunk buddy...walks poorly, poor motor control, cries for no reason, likes to hug people, occasional leakage, spits up, prone to fits of giggling. all those things describe drunks AND babies.
Tara: true

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

On the circus

Natalie: Is that a poster for the circus? Who even goes to the circus?
Tara: Families. Did something happen to you at the circus?
Natalie: No, nothing happened to me at the circus.
Tara: Did you see something awful at the circus?
Natalie: No!
Ed: Did you get pooped on by an elephant at the circus so they had to pull you out?
Tara: You really saw nothing bad at the circus?
Natalie: NO! I just think they're mean to the elephants and that bear really doesn't want to ride the little bicycle.
Tara: Did one of your aunts run away to the circus?
Natalie: No, one of my aunts ran away to Africa. A couple of people I went to highschool with ran away to become carnies though.
Tara: I would rather my aunt joined the circus than go to Africa. The circus comes to town once a year so I'd still get to see her.

Monday, July 30, 2007

On the Gilmore Girls

Tara: And I managed to get Gilmore Girls season 6 for $40 on eBay delivered. That's way cheaper than what you can get it for in the store.
Coworker 3: I could have given you ipecac syrup for free.
Tara: As much as the guys would have had you believe, I actually am a chick.
Coworker 3: Yeah, but my suggestion that it induce vomiting is based on my status as a human being.
Coworker 2: That'd be like watching Dawson's Creek.
Tara: Except if you watched that you'd have to hit yourself in the junk.
Coworker 3: To make sure it's still working.
Tara: "Yeah, I guess James Van Der Beek is a better actor than I remembered."
Coworker 2: [pantomimes punching self in the junk]

On graffiti

Mike W: I wrote graffiti.
Tara: You wrote on my car?
Mike W: No, it's from a song. "Yes indeedy, I wrote graffiti."
Tara: Doesn't saying "yes indeedy" go against the spirit of writing graffiti? That's like Ned Flanders saying he wrote graffiti.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Things said at Mike W's going away party

Chris: Anyone want some Stella [Artois]? This is terrible beer.
Ed: Way to sell it there Chris.
Chris: I mean it's delicious! Jeremy's brother said that in England it's called "wife beater".
Mike W: Do you want some Moosehead?
Ryan: That's the "wife beater" of Newfoundland.
Natalie: Although I imagine that if you have a Newfie accent, even beating your wife is quaint.


Natalie: Once, in gradeschool, in response to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I said I wanted to goal tend for the National Tonsil Hockey Association.


Chris: So when are you flying out?
Natalie: Wednesday.
Mike W: Yup.
Chris: The only difference is that you're coming back.
Natalie: That's right. But Mike, you should totally come back for the summer.
Mike W: Yeah, you can make $8000 a month on the rigs.
Chris: But you lose fingers.
Natalie: And they put you out there for 32 days so you have to make love to a hot buttered bagel.
Mike W: I can deal with getting $8000 for a finger. I'll type with stumps.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

On overreacting

Tara: So my brother just told me that some guy he went to highschool with killed 3 people.
Coworker 3: Seriously?
Tara: Rumour is he invited some dude over who was his dealer and knew that the guy worked in a gay bar but didn't know he was gay. Apparently he woke up and the guy was sucking him off and he strangled him.
Coworker 3: Wow. That's pretty intense. And seems sort of excessive. Like, why not be grateful for the free blow job?
Tara: I know.
Coworker 3: Something like that happened to one of my friends and some guy he went to highschool with. He had passed out and woke up to see the guy was working away at him. He was stressed but decided to let him finish.
Tara: That's hilarious. He was stressed about it later, but still. He let him finish and he didn't go kill anyone over it. I think you only seriously freak out about something like that if you're afraid you're gay.
Tara: You're probably right.

Monday, July 23, 2007

On barfing

Tara: Yeah, she might not get back to you on that until tomorrow because she has food poisoning. She had to stop talking to me because she had to go barf.
Coworker 3: Yeah, you know the fun part about barfing?
Tara: Nothing?
Coworker 3: That's right, there's nothing.
Tara: Except maybe the weight loss.
Coworker 3: [laughs] There is that.
Tara: You know, I threw up so much in Vancouver and didn't lose any weight at all? That's disappointing. You'd think I'd get something out of all of that effort.
Coworker 3: That's because you're not timing it right. You have to throw up after your meals. You concentrated your effort all into one block of time.
Tara: Oh right, the puke-yourself-thin model diet.
Coworker 3: The supermodel dessert. [inserts 2 fingers into throat]

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Things said at a super-secret sound poetry intromissium

Professor X: So you went to the Harry Potter launch?
Natalie: Yeah; it was hilarious. It's not often you get to see 8000 grown adults dressed up.
Professor X: Did you dress up?
Natalie: No.
Ed: She might have; you did larp.
Professor X: You larped?
Natalie: ONCE!
Professor X: I didn't know you were into full-contact trick-or-treating.
ryan: (waving his hands). Lighting bolt! Lighning Bolt!
Natalie: It wasn't that kind of larping; it was a Vampire: The Masquerade session.
Ed: What it was cool larping?
Professor X: Full. Contact. Trick-or-treating.
Natalie: I hate everyone.
Tara: Who wants gelato?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Things said at D&D on a blazingly hot Tuesday night

Editor's note: One of us was stoned from some special cookies. Take a guess at who it is.

Natalie: Can you fill my glass?
Mike: [fills and then proceeds to drink the entire contents of the newly-filled glass, while looking at us out of the corner of his eye and laughing]
Natalie: Your shitcockery knows no bounds.


Natalie: I think that Paris Hilton's vagina should be called "The Abject" and Britney Spears' should be called "The Abyss".


Natalie: Yeah, whathisface on the crazyboots was going to do it!


Natalie: [makes tiny duck out of banana bread and holds it up proudly for all to see]
Me: Now you're going to eat it, aren't you?
Natalie: [eats tiny banana bread duck]
Jade: That's murder.
Natalie: Tasty, tasty murder.


Natalie: OH! [leans over Ed to grab a nacho and a timbit, scraps the icing off the timbit with the nacho, proceeds to eat nacho with icing on it]
Jade: Are you making a sandwich with the timbit?
Natalie: No. I wanted to make an icing nacho. I could make a sandwich.
Tara: Why don't you make a fish? [has issues finding phone in a timely fashion]
Natalie: In that case it'll have dorsal fins.


Ed: What are you doing?
Natalie: I was trying to launch the die with my mouth.
Ed: You know that if you die choking to death on dice you go straight to hell.
Natalie: No you don't.
Ed: Yes. You put the die in your mouth, choke, St. Peter says "You go to hell", pokes you in the belly and you go to hell.
Natalie: Did you say "You go to hayll?"
Ed: Yes. He says it with a southern accent.


Natalie: Can you pass me the frozen bananas to snuggle?
Mike: No, I'm not giving you bananas.
Me: What about frozen vegetables?
Jade: Yeah, we have frozen peas.
Mike: I'm not giving you a bag of frozen peas.
Ed: But it's full of green pea-ness.
Natalie: [laughs so hard she snorts and flaps her hands]


Natalie: If an accordion had sex with a fence, this is what it would look like.


Natalie: You think about my bellybutton all the time, don't you?
Ed: My toes long for your bellybutton.
Natalie: NO! It's my personal bellybutton! [pause] If I was one of those little girls in Utah I'd totally have an abstinence ring for my belly button.


Me: What are you going to say tomorrow when you read all of this on my blog?
Ed: She's going to say "That's not fair, it's out of context!"
Me: Right now, your left breast is "Context".
Natalie: [looks down to consider] Okay. But is it alright if the right is called "Semiotics"? Because Marshall McLuhan needs to be involved in my boobs. He's Canadian you know.

Friday, July 13, 2007

On underpants, moleskines and Ernest Hemingway

Tara: So I'm wearing the underpants with the hearts today.
Natalie: Me too! We're underpants sisters!
[high five]
Tara: I actually bought more. I was pissed off that I couldn't buy a moleskine so I bought more underpants instead. Can you believe Chapters doesn't have moleskines?
Natalie: Really?
Tara: Yeah, and I didn't like any of the other journals they had. I like that moleskines have the band to hold them shut so it won't get wrecked in my bag.
Natalie: That is true.
Tara: Besides, if it's good enough for Hemingway, it's good enough for me. At least now we'll have more in common than the fact that we occasionally wear dresses.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

On the effects of Krispy Kreme

Coworker 5: I can't believe you're eating that donut. I can see your ass growing from here.
Coworker 4: Wanna see it closer up? [backs up in front of Coworker 4]
Coworker 5: [smacks Coworker 4 on the backside with a wrapped cheesestring]
Coworker 4: Don't break your cheese on my... Wait. That sounds really bad.
Coworker 6: Where's HR when you need them?

On bukkake


Shaynan: I can't even believe the stupidness of everything that flows around me
Ed: Like you're being bukkaked with stupid.
Shaynan: bukkaked?
Ed: You don't want to know.
Tara: That's amazing.
Ed: ...and she made me define it for her.
Tara: oh dear
Ed: Yeah. Some day I'll learn.
Tara: *sigh* When you said bukkake I pictured seppuku in my head. Google just reminded me that was not the case.
Ed: True. And I'm sorry.
Tara: That's fine. Let's just hope the little man that checks our surfing habits doesn't feel like he needs to pay me a visit

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Things said at the SNRG

Natalie: Check this out. You have to see this.
Tara: You are not attacking me with your Roomba.
Natalie: [laughs and stops steering the Roomba toward my feet]


Natalie: Do you want to see something amazing? The cats are terrified of bubbles. [proceeds to blow bubbles at the cats]
Ed: Natalie, that's not nice.
Mike W: See? This is why I call this place Auschwitz.
Natalie: I'm not even touching them with the bubbles. I thought they would play with them, but the first time they saw them George backed up like he was saying "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
Mike W: The computer room -- Dachau.


Mike W: That's the justice of this game.
Natalie: That's the ass-cockery of this game.
Mike W: Did you just say "ass-cockery"?
Natalie: It's a little known fact that when you get your Masters' you can make up words.


Mike W: This is excellent watermelon.
Natalie: I can choose perfect watermelon. That's my superpower.


Natalie: I wish I could just show my armpits and a bridge would appear.


Natalie: Did you fart?
Mike W: No, you did.
Natalie: Great. Now you smell like spearmint leaves, chips, quiche and poop.


Natalie: I hope Bowser dies in a fire. Being stung by bees. After he's had cancer for a while. Like 2 months of chemo.

On yawning

Coworker 5: [yawns like a donkey]
Coworker 2 and Tara: [laughing]
Coworker 2: Often imitated, never replicated.
Tara: That's right. Every yawn is different, like a snowflake.
Coworker 5: Do you want me to record it? I could make it a ringtone

On "The Toronto Mattress" (guest entry from Ed)

Natasha: Aaaanyway, I've got to run a few errands, so I'm going to head off. Bye for now!


Ed: Back?
Natasha: Not for long, probably. Heading out to my sister's place in a few minutes as soon as I confirm she's at home.
Ed: Nice. Is that a good thing?
Natasha: Yes? This is the good sister, not the klepto whore sister.
Ed: Can I quote you on that?Pleasepleaseplease?
Natasha: laughs Go ahead
Ed: A friend of mine has a conversations blog. This is gold.
Natasha: Well, it's true... In the same summer she stole my other sister's money, tried to steal my bike, and my mother referred to her as the Toronto Mattress.
me: Wow. How much of that can I tell Tara to publish?
Natasha: Well, unless she decides to google the words "Toronto Mattress" I don't think she's going to find it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Things said at D&D

Mike: Sorry Ed, but I'm going to have to erase these boobs now.
Ed: That's okay. I'm sure there'll be more at some point.
Mike: Hardly a game goes by where I'm not drawing breasts on something. I know there's some breast fans in the room.


Mike: I was talking to my friend the other day and said "You know what I like about titties? They make me think of titties!" And she said "I like the word titties too!" And I said "Of course you do!"

Things said at a stampede wedding

On the ferris wheel

Tara: So this is the closest I've ever been to being on a ride.
Natalie: Seriously?
Tara: I was the kid who threw up in the van on the way to the amusement park.


Over some disgustingly white-sugary lemonade

Tara: And I found out the bras I was using were too small.
Ed: Yes, but that's because you've been working out. Those are weapons.
Tara: Boob of death!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

On Nigella Lawson

Tara: So I was watching Jamie Oliver this morning and I think I might be a little bit in love with him. Even his lisp is adorable.
Natalie: I know!
Tara: And then I was listening to Nigella Lawson from the other room and decided there are 2 jobs that she would be perfect for.
Natalie: Okay.
Tara: The first one is that she should read children's books.
Natalie: Yes, she would be great at that.
Tara: And the other is that she should be a dominatrix.
Natalie: YES. SHE SHOULD TOTALLY BE A DOMINATRIX. The voice, she's not too thin, and her boobs in a bustier! You are so right.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Heard at the stampede breakfast

Coworker: And then when I'm done eating I'm going to kill myself from listening to this music.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

On Tori Spelling

Mike: And then the ghost flies right through you. Roll a saving throw for me.
Natalie: Michael Davy, I'm going to draw exactly what I think of you right now.
[Natalie draws, then shows Mike the picture]
Mike: What the hell is that?
Natalie: Those are veins.
Mike: Have you even seen a penis? It looks like a canoe! Give it to me. I'm going to draw.
[proceeds to add to the picture producing the following]

Mike: And this is what it would look like if I drew Tori Spelling's breasts.

On slips of the tongue

Coworker: The more laid back he gets, the more of a necrophiliac he is.
Everyone else: WHOA! [general uproar]
Coworker: No, wait, what's the word?
Tara: Narcolepsy?
Coworker: Yeah, that's it. What's the difference? Both involve lying down.

On Tom Cruise

TV Anchor 1: And happy birthday to Tom Cruise, who is 45 today.
TV Anchor 2: Tom Cruise is only 45? He looks much older now that he's a scientologist.
Tara: That is amaaaaaaaazing.

Friday, June 29, 2007

On the body

Coworker 3: My body is like a convenience store. It's cheap, instant gratification.
Tara: I need to blog that shit right now.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

On weddings

Natalee: It's happening. We're getting married in 11 days.
Chris: You know, we had a western wedding too.
Natalee: What size was your white dress?

On the von Karmas

Natalie: Manfred Von Karma is a fucker and I want him to die. Preferably while on fire

Tara: LOL

Natalie: and being stung by bees

Tara: he's not a good man, but when you're starting to break him it's awesome

Natalie: not there yet

Tara: his daughter is the one with the whip in the sequel

Natalie: really!

Tara: yes. she makes me angrier than he does. I'd love for her to get shot off into space only to get massacred by aliens. she'd try to whip them. they'd eat her whipping arm

Natalie: wow, really? ha! "why do you have a whip??" "for whipping."

Tara: exactly

Monday, June 25, 2007

On scooters

Ed: My friend Kimli is awesome. She dropped her last scooter (named Sally) and ended up selling it to a friend of hers. She bought a replacement this past weekend and it's less feminine. She's named it Oscar the Lady Tickler.
Tara: That's amazing.

On my cousin

Coworker 3: So how was your vacation?
: Pretty good. Really busy. The only bad thing was that my grandma was taken into the hospital. Turns out she just needs to go into a nursing home, but it’ll be fine. My mom says she’ll happily stay anywhere they feed her.
Coworker 3: That’s pretty funny.

: One day while I was visiting her they came to ask her what she wanted for dinner and she ordered the same thing she had for lunch. One of my aunts was there and she started to get all distressed about it so I told her to stop worrying because Grandma doesn’t remember what she had for lunch and it’s healthy so who cares?
Coworker 3: That’s very funny.

Tara: It was a good vacation but it wasn’t relaxing at all so when I go to the UK this summer I’m going to do nothing but lay in my friend’s backyard for 2 days. Maybe I’ll read a book.

Coworker 3: That sounds perfect. Get a tan from the smog.

: What sort of tan do you get from pollution?
Coworker 3: Misty.

: Awesome. I’ll look mysterious.
Coworker 3: [laughing] That’s right. But it’s Misty with an “I” and a heart over the “I”, like a stripper.

: I would make the worst stripper.
Coworker 3: Nah, you could do it. You’d just have to stop sleeping and have a stain over your tooth.

: And stop eating. Hey, did I ever tell you I have a cousin who was a stripper?
Coworker 3: Seriously?
: The highlight of Christmas not this past year but the year before was going over to my aunt’s and having my cousin show me her dominion. She had moved back in to her mom’s house and had a room in the basement. She was 37, a high-school dropout former stripper.

Coworker 3: I thought you were going to say she did a pole-dance on the Christmas tree.

: No, but that would be amazing. You want to know the best part?
Coworker 3: What’s that?

: She’s my father’s godchild.
Coworker 3: Wow. I don’t even know what to say to that.

: I know.

Friday, June 22, 2007

On the Queen

Tara: Why are there so many pictures of the Queen in this house?
Dad: Because I think she's a magnificent lady.
Tara: Fair enough.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

On my grandmother

Mom: That was Uncle Richard on the phone.
Tara: Oh yeah?
Mom: Grandma was just taken to the hospital. She can't walk.
Tara: Seriously?
Mom: Yes. I'm going, do you want to go? I don't want her to be alone for hours and no one else can go.
Tara: Sure. When are we leaving?
Mom: Now.


Tara: Hi Grandma!
Grandma: Oh! I wasn't expecting to see you! When did you get here?
Tara: This morning.
Mom: Yup. So she's a tired girl.
Tara: But I'm happy to see you. How are you?
Grandma: I'm okay. I'm just so damned hungry.


Tara: Hi there. My grandmother is here and she's very hungry and she's diabetic.
Nurse: Yes, we know she's diabetic, but the doctor needs to see her before she can eat. She's the next one he's seeing. We tested her sugar and it was okay. It was 7.9.
Tara: Okay thanks.


Tara: Grandma, I just talked to the nurse and she said you can't eat yet because you have to see the doctor first.
Grandma: But I'm so hungry.
Tara: It shouldn't be too long. You're the next one he's seeing.


Nurse: The doctor's not here yet, so I brought you some lunch.
Grandma: Oh good!


Tara: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Mom: I think I would want to fly.
Tara: Nice. I would want to control luck.
Grandma: What are you talking about?
Tara: Grandma, if you could have any superpower, what would you choose?
Grandma: What?
Mom: Superpower. Like flying or walking through walls or being invisible.
Tara: Or shapeshifting. That's always a good one.
Grandma: I think that's a trick question.


Doctor: There's nothing correctable that's wrong with her. She needs to move. I'll get her assessed so an occupational therapist can start working with her.
Mom: Okay great. Is there a way to get her back to the retirement home?
Doctor: I'll arrange patient transport for her.


Nurse: The ambulance should be here shortly, but I've ordered a dinner tray for her just in case.


Nurse: I know it's been a while but it will be another hour and a half before they can take her.
Tara: Mom, we haven't eaten in 7 hours or so and I flew all night.
Mom: We can go. Uncle Richard will be here soon to spend time with her.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

On tinkling

Former classmate: Are you seeing anyone right now?
Tara: No, not right now. I'm just taking it easy and having a good time.
Former classmate: That's good.
Tara: Yeah, it's been nice. I'm doing a lot of travelling right now. Went to Vancouver last weekend, Ontario this weekend, and then I'm going to the UK in August.
Former classmate: That is exciting. Is this your first time to the UK?
Tara: It is. I'm so very, very excited about it. I've wanted to go for so long and now I can finally afford it.
Former classmate: I can imagine that this has been one of your dreams....makes me think of the u.
Tara: I know.
Former classmate: And English lit.
Tara: I'm supposed to see the Bronte house. I might just walk in the front door and pee a little from excitement.
Former classmate: Do a little tinkle for me too.
Tara: lol. I'll do my best.

On buffets

Coworker 3: I used to be into Chinese girls but then I went to China.
Coworker 1: See? I won't even date them [note: this particular coworker is Chinese].
Tara: What was it about going to China?
Coworker 3: It was like going to a seafood buffet where... You know what? I'm not even going to finish that analogy.
[laughing all around]
Coworker 3: Sometimes I have the foresight to know when to back out.

Next to that conversation...
Coworker 2: Coworker 4, wake up!
Tara: Was he sleeping?
Coworker 5: Oh probably. He was laying down. Probably had some bad shrimp at the buffet.
Coworker 3: Yeah, I know what that's like.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Not that kind of princess, part 3

Coworker 1: Hey Coworker 3, don't you think Tara looks like Princess Leia?
Tara: Oh for goodness sake.
Coworker 3: Yeah, you just need a gold bikini.
Tara: I left it at home.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

On Aspirations

Random Coworker sends Tara news article about Prince Harry with a Cowboys barmaid that includes the following: The visit from the third in line to the throne has already proved a financial boon to the woman voted third-hottest bartender in Canada. Cherie Cymbalisty reportedly sold the story of her naughty night with the prince for over $30,000 and plans to pursue her dream of being a model for Playboy.

Tara: What does it mean when you aspire to be a Playboy model?
Random Coworker: Oh – I know... On the up side... she has aspirations. Yay!

Not that kind of princess, part 2

Coworker 2: I can't believe Coworker 1 asked you to take off your glasses just to say you should dress up as Princess Leia. I had no idea where he was going when he asked you that.
Tara: I know. I was surprised because I was thinking that I was just wearing contacts last week.
Coworker 1: [arrives] You guys are still talking about that?
Coworker 2: I was just saying I couldn't believe you got her to take her glasses off for that. You're such a geek!
Coworker 1: But you do look like that! You need to do your hair like that.
Tara: No. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.
Coworker 2: Wouldn't you dress up as that even for Halloween?
Tara: No. I'm a geek, but not that much of a geek.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Not that kind of princess

Coworker 1: What do you look like without your glasses on?
Tara: [takes off glasses, thinking that I was just wearing contacts last week so he really should know already]
Coworker 1: I knew it! You could totally look like Princess Leia!
Tara: [puts glasses back on immediately]
Coworker 2: Oh my god you're right! [laughing]
Tara: No. I will never dress like Princess Leia. I'm not that much of a geek.
Coworker 1: But you could!

Friday, June 8, 2007

On baldness

Tara: If you start to lose your hair, will you shave your head?
Neil: Not going to happen.
Tara: How do you know?
Neil: Not going to happen.
Tara: What do you mean?
Neil: I made a deal.
Tara: With who?
Neil: I made a deal. Possibly with the devil. Not going to happen.
Tara: Is there hair loss on your mom's side of the family?
Neil: Doesn't matter. Not going to happen. It's my one true friend.
Tara: I think you have at least a couple of those.
Neil: I do. I do have true friends, but this one [pats hair] is awesome.
Tara: I think I need to put this in my blog.
Neil: You go right ahead. The great thing about Facebook is that I've been seeing all of these people I went to highschool with and they're married with kids and a career but they're going bald. I'm not married, I don't have a kid, my career is just starting and I'm still in school, but I've got hair and I'm not losing it because I have a deal. A kid you can get later, but there's no refund on hair.
Tara: I'm posting this now.
Neil: Fair enough.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

On morning vs. mourning

Random Vancouver Guy 1 (RVG 1): Hey, do you have a pen I could borrow?
Tara: Sure. [hands pen over]
Random Vancouver Guy 2 (RVG 2): [says something barely intelligible, but points at my shirt, which says "I'M A NOUN!"]
Tara: I love this shirt
RVG 1: [looks at shirt] heh. cool. oh, now I need to find some paper
Tara: [hands paper over]
RVG 2: [more barely intelligible speaking, appears to be talking about language]
Tara: [watches RVG 1 struggle to write his own number because he has terrible penmanship and ash keeps dropping from his cigarette on the paper]
RVG 2: I don't even say "good morning" anymore because what's so good about it?
Tara: Well, I think the idea is that you're wishing the person to have a good morning.
RVG 1: Yeah, I think you're right!
RVG 2: But when I think of morning I think of the daily loss... of freedom?
Tara: I think you mean "mourning"

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

On D and D

Random Coworker: are you the only girl in the group? it doesn't count if all the dudes play female characters
Tara: nope. there are 3 of us
Tara: possibly the most girls ever at a D and D table
Random Coworker: that is an AWESOME D and D group

Monday, June 4, 2007

On "Knocked Up"

Coworker 1: So how was your weekend?
Tara: Not bad. Pretty low-key. I saw "Knocked Up" this weekend.
Coworker 1: You got knocked up this weekend?!
Tara: No.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

On my future dogs

Natalie: The pirate pomeranian on Cuteoverload is killing me
Tara: heh. I know. and that pug is unbelievable
Natalie: oh, he's pretty awesome
Tara: I need to own a ridiculous dog someday
Natalie: You do. you will =)
Tara: I imagine some day I'll be married and have tiny skinny kids who are constantly chasing after a pug who can't control the direction of its eyes or keep its tongue in its mouth
Natalie: laughing that's an amazing vision
Tara: I could do much worse. either that or we have a german shepherd and they just ride it all day. "get off the dog". "but he likes it!"
Natalie: ha! that's awesome. of COURSE the dogs WANTS to be ridden
Tara: and why wouldn't he? he also obviously wants the peanut butter sandwich the small one shared with him. (can you tell I don't feel like editing right now?)
Natalie: (yep) (and that's also awesome)