Friday, August 31, 2007

Guest entry: Things said at the sabbath

[Editor's note: I've been away for a week and a half and missed this week's Sabbath. Natalie was kind enough to send me a couple of gems from last night's sabbath.]

Natalie: So the elf mage has to stay behind because she's a woman.
Neil: Yep, See, she's in bed in a nighty and looks flushed. Clearly some sort of woman sickness prevents her from adventuring.
Natalie: a touch of the hysteria perhaps.
Neil: It's totally her uterus.
Natalie: why does that other chick get to go, though?
ryan: That other woman's had a hysterectomy.


ryan: Vulcans are the elves of space.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

On used bookstore finds

Tara: okay, so Cambridge? AWESOME. I took no photos because I just wanted to look around and take everything in, but it's so beautiful here
Ed: That is very cool, that.
Tara: I went into a used bookstore and found a nearly complete set of Alexander Pope books from 1745 on the shelves. on the damn shelves
Ed: That's the slowest stock turnover I've ever heard of.

On spiders

Karin: SPIDER!
Tara: What?
Karin: There's a spider. Can you kill it?
Tara: Sure. Wow, it's moving fast. [goes and gets toilet paper]
Karin: It's under the bed now.
Tara: Where? Oh. I need more toilet paper. That's big enough to be its own ecosystem.
Karin: That's not even a really big one.
Tara: It's plenty big enough. [catches spider] This guy's getting the big flush.

On shame

Karin: Remember him?
Tara: No. He's really hot though.
Karin: That's Sam. Remember him?
Tara: No.
Karin: Becky's little brother.
Tara: You're joking. He looks like he's at least 30.
Karin: He's probably 19.
Tara: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Conversation on the plane to England

[flight attendant hands out landing card to be filled out and handed over to customs]
Girl on plane: Do you need a pen?
Tara: No thanks.
[entire conversation for 9 hours. her book sure looked interesting]

Friday, August 17, 2007

On church

Tara: I'm so glad I left early and took that nap yesterday. I ended up taking my friend to the airport much later than we had planned.
Coworker 3: You should have punched her in the face.
Tara: I'm not going to punch her in the face. She takes me to and from the airport all of the time. Plus, we go to church together.
Coworker 3: Then I would especially punch her in the face.
Tara: You'd probably punch someone in the face if they took you to church.
Coworker 3: Right, that's it.
Tara: I'll have to remember never to invite you to church, not that I was planning on it.
Coworker 3: You'd say "Do you want to come to church with me?" and I'd start making a fist and ask "What denomination?" and when you say "Cathopresbyanglibapti..." I'd start making the other fist.
Tara: Yeah, but I'd say it and you wouldn't even know anyway. I've gone to church for most of my life and I'd never heard of it before I started going.
Coworker 3: What denomination is it?
Tara: Alliance
Coworker 3: Is that the opposite of Horde?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

On Nigella Lawson's boobs

Tara: 6 people have found my site by looking up "nigella lawson boobs", but there's also one who looked up "+"nigella lawson" +boobs" and one who looked up "nigella boobs". I think we know what the internet wants...
Natalie: nigella lawson's saucy british boobs, of course
Tara: she does have excellent boobs, but really... they must be disappointed when they hit my site. they should just watch her show
Natalie: but they must do regular internet searches and be constantly vigilant until the secret nigella sex tape appears
Tara: but who is she with? is it Gordon Ramsey? Jamie Oliver? God forbid, it might even be her husband!
Natalie: Oh no. it's just nigella. and all her kitchen gadgets
Tara: I suspect if that made its way on the internet, some people might never leave their homes

On tossing off

Ed: I just received mail from a guy named David Tosoff. I'm so sorry to hear about that name...
Tara: no kidding
Ed: I had to explain it to Natalie.
Tara: I'm thinking just "toss off"

Ed: That is hilarious. ...and I just received mail from an unfortunate IT guy named David Tosoff.
Natalie: oh? why unfortunate?
Ed: In the 80s, tossing off was a euphemism for masturbation.
Natalie: oh! I see [equal smile] back when dinosaurs roamed the earth
Ed: Shut up.
Tara: ah. yeah, I didn't know that either
Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.
Ed: That's for the best.
Tara: I like to think so


Tara: I think I might have just broken Ed's heart. I didn't know what a toss off was either
Natalie: hee. I made a comment about it being in the vernacular during the Jurassic period
Tara: :)
Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.
Natalie: poor Ed
Tara: I know. but really, there's no reason for a girl who was born in '79 to know that. I certainly couldn't "toss off"
Natalie: absolutely not. laughing
Tara: still can't, as far as I know
Natalie: unless you're a miracle of science, no

Friday, August 10, 2007

On names

Coworker 3: New Zealand won't let these people name their baby "4real".
Tara: That's just stupid. That baby should be taken away.
Coworker 3: Then the baby would be named "4adoption".

Thursday, August 9, 2007

On ruined childhoods

Coworker 3: awesome
Tara: a little part of my childhood just rolled up into the fetal position and died
Coworker 3: psssh, don't worry. i burned through all those pieces years ago. like kindling in the bonfire of my innocence
Tara: I thought I had a couple left. maybe not. oh wait, I still have pure memories of Jem and Rainbow Brite that can be annihilated
Coworker 3: i had a jem lite brite pattern
Tara: that's awesome
Coworker 3: but my friend donny used two red bulbs to give her glowing nipples. bonfire
Tara: okay, I guess she's ruined now too

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

On symbols

Marq: So I saw the weirdest thing in the mall yesterday.
Tara: What's that?
Marq: A youngish woman, in her 20's, with matching skull and crossbones tattoos on her upper chest. So, on her boobs essentially.
Tara: Dammit she stole my idea! :)
Marq: Being as the skull and crossbones symbol is pretty much internationally recognized as "poison," do you think she''ll appreciate the implications of breastfeeding?
Tara: I have no idea, but that's amazing
Marq: Like she could have used a different symbol for at least one of them...
High Voltage
anything but poison
Tara: Or she knows what she's really like and isn't afraid to say it. Or really likes pirates and didn't think about the poison symbol.
Marq: I suppose BioHazard might be the only worse choice she could have made.
Tara: Combustible might end a sex life
Marq: Or...
enhance it ;)

Friday, August 3, 2007

Things said while watching Rome

Setting the stage: Tara and Ed are watching an episode of Rome. Agrippa is awkwardly trying to tell Octavia that he wants her. Octavia says "I shall always love you like a brother."

Ed: Uh oh, that's not good for him.
Tara: Naw, it's fine. Remember, she slept with her brother.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

On Canadian literature

Tara: I'd like to read more from Indian writers.
Coworker 2: Have you read The God of Small Things?
Tara: That's the one with the brother and the sister right?
Coworker 2: Yes.
Tara: Yes, I've read it. I actually thought it was Canadian since most Canadian novels have incest in them.

On monkeys grabbing peaches

Tara: I like the space on the underside of the forearm just below the elbow. I don't know what I would want to get tattooed there so for now it will remain blank.
Coworker 3: You should get a monkey grabbing a peach.
Tara: Yes, I should get a picture of a monkey grabbing a peach. You know, it's interesting that they use the word "peach" for that since in literature it's used as a metaphor for the female genitalia.
Coworker 3: Oh yeah, that is interesting. What should they use then?
Tara: Monkey grabbing cherries?
Coworker 3: Monkey grabbing plums?
Tara: I guess it depends on the opponent.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

On drunks and babies

Marq: and speaking of cute babies, check out this video of my son.
Tara: that's so great!
Marq: yeah, that's the first time he took more than 3 stumbling steps in a row
Tara: I totally see why people think babies look like they're drunk when they just start walking
Marq: oh he is totally my little drunk buddy...walks poorly, poor motor control, cries for no reason, likes to hug people, occasional leakage, spits up, prone to fits of giggling. all those things describe drunks AND babies.
Tara: true