Wednesday, November 28, 2007

On photo shoots

Tara: How'd the photo shoot go?
Coworker 3: I looked about as badass as the Care Bear Stare...

Monday, November 26, 2007

On the effects of internalizing bad language

Coworker 3: Hey Tara, is it supposed to be "Pay and Play" or "Pay n' Play"?
Tara: Hmm. I'm going to keep my initial response to myself and say that I *hope* it's "Pay and Play".
Coworker 3: I kind of figured you would.
Tara: I really hate "Pay n' Pay". I actually had a violent reaction to it in my head.
Coworker 3: Really? We'll have to stay away from it then.
Tara: The good news is, I managed to keep it inside. So maybe it'll turn into cancer later.

Friday, November 23, 2007

On conservapedia

Marq: so I'm just reading your blog
Tara: yup
Marq: the wiki part
Tara: oh right
Marq: on boingboing last week they were comparing the top 10 articles on Wikipedia
to the top 10 articles on the Conservapedia

Tara: okay you have to find that for me
Marq: well you're already familiar with Wikipedia and their top 10:

  1. Main Page [30,090,900]
  2. Wiki [904,800]
  3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [413,400]
  4. Naruto [401,400]
  5. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock [396,000]
  6. United States [330,000]
  7. Wikipedia [329,400]
  8. Deaths in 2007 [321,300]
  9. Heroes (TV series) [307,500]
  10. Transformers (film) [303,600]
Marq: nothing too surprising there
Tara: some of those are a little surprising, but go on
Marq: however when one goes to the "conservapedia: the encyclopeda for conservative adults" it gets a little...weird
Tara: my brain is already hurting, but go on...
Marq: so before I reveal the top 10, what you would guess most conservatives are MOST curious about. and by conservative, think Right wing alarmists
Tara: Iran?
Marq: pfft. try again
Tara: Britney Spears?
Marq: BUZZZ! no
Tara: okay, I give up
Marq: well number 1 is the front page, no shocker there
Tara: sure
Marq: #2 Homosexuality‎ [1,623,939]
Tara: wow. that's a lot of hits
Marq: wanna take a stab at #2?
Tara: abortion?
Marq: #3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis‎ [518,020]
Tara: WTF?!?!?!
Marq: #4 Homosexuality and Parasites‎ [432,901]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity‎ [422,097]
number 6 is my favourite
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome‎ [401,091]
Marq: these are their stats
#9 is Homosexuality and Anal Cancer‎ [294,340]
and finally
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health‎ [293,689]
Tara: you left out domestic violence and gonorrhea?
Marq: sorry, how could I leave out the clap? please forgive me
Tara: I'll try my best. I'm looking at gay bowel syndrome right now. this is bizarre and horrifying
Marq: so to review, these are the areas of MOST CONCERN to right wing Americuh. GAY PANIC!
Tara: aren't we lucky they have "The Trustworthy Encyclopedia" to turn to?

On cultural perceptions

Random Coworker (RC): Tara - I'd like to do a content review with you.
Tara: Content review will need to be next week. Just book something when I’m free and I’ll come by.
RC: Sounds good - enjoy the weekend (blazing fire and a book?)
Tara: Video games, football, and welcoming my best friend back from her book tour :)
RC: Sounds good. My wife is back from India this evening, it will probably be "I've got so much to tell you", then ZZZZZZZ.
Tara: Just based on that statement it sounds like her life is way more exciting than mine.
RC: Maybe, but she doesn't play soccer. I'll tell you all about it next week.
Tara: Me neither. NFL, nachos and drinks all the way ;)
RC: What was I thinking (slap forehead)!
Tara: You’re thinking like a Brit again ;)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

On Wikipedia stats

Coworker 3: Here are some poetic statistics. On the top 100 most popular pages on

26 - Hitler
27 - Britney Spears
28 - Masturbation
42 - Germany
43 - Anal Sex
69 - George W Bush
70 - Pornography
71 - The Beatles
79 - Batman
80 - Penis

Coworker 3: ????
Tara: I've got nothing... that's incredible
Coworker 3: and finally:
95 - Beowulf
96 - Vagina
97 - The Holocaust

Coworker 3: I can't believe that the tv show Scrubs is more popular than vaginas
Tara: That doesn't even make sense. Unless it's because people with vaginas like Scrubs, and vaginas ain't no thang because they've already got them ( I can't believe I said that either, but I can't think of a better way to put it)
Ken: LOL. Insightful. I think you might have something there.

Monday, November 19, 2007

On Super Mario Galaxy

Kyle: So I picked up Super Mario Galaxy.
Tara: Nice! How is it?
Kyle: Awesome! It's like happiness shits in your brain.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Things said during Catan with bible study crew

Kevin: I'm going to mono for brick.
Renee: Jerkwad.
Everyone else: [laughs]
Renee: I mean, Praise the Lord!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

On betrayal buns

Tara: okay, I've just had a bite of the worst cinnamon bun ever. I think that's the first food betrayal I've had at the cafeteria and I was even warned that it wasn't very good
Natalie: bad cinnamon buns are so disappointing. you want them to be good. and then BETRAYAL
Tara: well, typically they're light and fluffy and sticky and have a delicious creamy sugary icing right?
Natalie: yes indeed. like a cinnabon. the ultimate cinnamon bun
Tara: not so with the betrayal cinnamon bun. the pastry was dense and a little hard, not particularly moist, definitely not sticky, and the icing wasn't sweet and tasted sort of like sour cream or cream cheese. BETRAYED.
Natalie: boo! totally betrayed
Tara: it's the betrayal bun
Natalie: give me a minute
[roughly a minute passes]
Natalie: there you go. a poem about your cinnamon bun

Betrayal Bun

deceptive pastry
your swirl malevolence
no sugar can cover
your cruellest crumbling

I bite trusting
expect give and unctuous fullness
disappointment cracks my palate
like teeth shattered against a coin
expecting chocolate
shattered enamel

hope of tastiness
dashed and useless
as broken teeth in my hand

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Guest entry: on looking like William Shatner

Ed's mom: [describing her physical state the previous day] I looked like William Shatner's mother.
Ed: What?
Ed's mom: What? You take William Shatner, bloat him up a bit and put on breasts on him, that's what I looked like.
Ed: [frantically starts writing for Tara's benefit]

Friday, November 2, 2007

On merkins

Marq: your blog has inspired me to examine again
Tara: and? how'd that go?
Tara: naturally
Marq: I should be escorted out shortly
Tara: it's funny that we can google search anything or see anything on wikipedia regardless of what it's a description of
Marq: like "merkin"
Tara: I don't know what that is and now I have to look and I'm probably going to regret it
Marq: you don't know what a merkin is?
Tara: no
Marq: shall I descibe it?
Tara: no, that's fine. wikipedia just told me. that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard of.
Marq: it is. I try to use the word in conversation as much as possible. if no one is looking you can google image search it
Tara: no need. there's a bright pink one on wikipedia
Marq: I found a sequined one
Tara: sequined eh? wow. liberace would have loved that
Marq: Some saftey instructions I found on the intertoobs: "Your merkin is highly flammable. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Tara: that's awesome. but really, if you manage to set a merkin aflame while wearing it, you probably deserve some crotch burns

On language delerium

Tara: I think it's funny how many people think tattoos are not real. Like we'd go to the trouble of getting an incredibly intricate fake tattoo that will look that crisp and real
Natalie: heh. I know
Tara: seriously, where the hell do you get a fake tattoo of a thumbscrew these days?
Natalie: what else could it be?
Tara: sharpie!
Natalie: I know!
Tara: I'm very good at writing greek upsidedown with my left hand. don't know if you knew that about me. I don't like to brag too much
Natalie: ha!
Tara: I've been writing for 3 solid days so I'm a bit of a dink at this point
Natalie: you're awesome when you're all language delerious
Tara: and I'm firmly planted there. you're gonna need farm equipment to get me out at this point
Natalie: you've built a house there?
Tara: yes. I started gardening. it's just phonemes peeking out at this point, but we'll see what happens
Natalie: well, they're a good starter crop
Tara: I'm hoping for a bunch of adverbs, use them in a salad
Natalie: will you rotate to articles next season?
Tara: I could. that's a good idea. as soon as I said "adverbs" I pictured "radishes"
Natalie: word salad!