Wednesday, January 30, 2008

On names and perception

Tara: What's your middle name?
Random coworker: John Edward. When I was growing up I had a neighbour named Edward who I thought I was named after. Of course, that was also when I thought cats were girls and boys were dogs.

Friday, January 25, 2008

On douchebags

Tara: Okay, so check this out. I clicked on this google ads link in my email for "Yoga Army" dresses, and this is what I found.
Coworker 3: Wow. I like that army.
Tara: So they're apparently boob dresses. Holy crap, that one is $250.
Coworker 3: I'll pay. Hey, the google ad in my gmail says "Spanish driver sues dead crash cyclist for damage"
Tara: How do you sue a dead person?
Coworker 3: Says a businessman is suing the family for 20,000 euros for the damage the body's impact made to the car.
Tara: I'd like to change the headline to "You know how I know you're a douchebag?"

On "Teeth"

Coworker 3: So how is Cloverfield rating?
Tara: In the 70s. You know what's getting a higher rating?
Coworker 3: What?
Tara: Teeth.
Coworker 3: What's that?
Tara: Here's the trailer.
Coworker 3: Oh my god. I've had nightmares about that.
Tara: Seriously? Like for reals?
Coworker 3: It's not an uncommon dream for young guys to have. I saw a vagina with teeth in it when I was a kid and it scared the shit out of me.
Tara: Speaking as a woman, that would scare the shit out of me too.
Coworker 3: Yeah, no doubt. You'd have to get flesh dentures.
Tara: I'd probably get surgery.
Coworker 3: And I'd probably have 2 toothbrushes. You don't want to mix that.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Guest entry: on names

Neil: Hey.
Brown: Hey.
Neil: Are you ever scared that someone will make a supremely popular song that prominently features your name in the title and/or chorus.
Brown: Why would that scare me?
Neil: Well, it would kind of change your life.
Brown: How?
Neil: Depends on the song. Depends on the singer. But, I mean, that's one of the first things people would say when they meet you. People are always trying to say smart things when they first meet someone.
Brown: Right. Example?
Neil: Example? Sure. Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah.
Neil: Tommy can you hear me?
Tommy: Fuck off.
Brown: Ah, I see.
Neil: So?
Brown: Yeah, I'm not that worried. Are you?
Neil: Not really. I just don't like the idea that something as external and obnoxious as a pop song could change the shape of my life.
Tommy: It's more like it changes the smell of your life.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

On currencies and wardrobes

Ed: I found you a copy of Puzzle Quest on Ebay. Not bad and it ends in an hour. $12 for shipping though.
Tara: I can't bid in an hour, so I'm thinking $15 max
my bid pushed it to $11.50
Ed: Nice little end to the day, either way.
Tara: with a game that hates me personally? :)
Ed: Oh, it will. Easily the most frustrating DS game I've ever played.
Tara: poor neil
Ed: When you get this game? This game should come with a warning for people willing to farm in caves. (:
Tara: the good news, and this will always be true, is that at least I'll have boobs
Ed: And yet I have yet to see you ever use them as currency to get by in any situation.
Tara: I'm saving them for a special occasion
Ed: A wonderful hole card, to be sure, but still. Wait, that's not true!
I remember you bringing just the faintest hint of cleavage to the Catan tournament at that board-game festival.
Tara: :) clearly didn't work, but I tried
Ed: I think it had to do with your level of cleavage commitment.
Tara: true, but the chud there weren't worth a nipple display. also, I don't have many particularly busty shirts
Ed: Not that I've seen. Your wardrobe does tend more toward Victorian than Produce Display.
Tara: victorian?
Ed: Covered up to the neck.
Tara: maybe victorian tomboy
Ed: Victorian only in coverage, not in constriction.

On Tom Cruise

Marq: have you looked at wwtdd lately? I am fully charged!
Tara: not today, why?
Marq: Tom Cruise is Crazy as Hell
Tara: lemme look
while I wait for the video to load, let me just say... the photo of the dude with a dollhouse for a hat? genius
Marq: yeah, the whole Britney thing is so far past being surreal at this point
Tara: okay, I'm going to watch the video now. if you don't hear back, assume it's because the craziness killed me
Marq: sweetzombiejesus, he comes across as if he's doing a parody of himself. Dramatic music, doubletalk... then the announcer/voice over. it reminds me of Starship Troopers
Tara: did he just say "criminon"?!?!
Marq: its like he's reciting Green Eggs and Ham, but with gravitas. utter gibberish
Tara: you see things the way they are in all its glory? so you and I are missing out on seeing the way things are? and he wants to romp and play? that seems like an odd confession
Marq: that's what I mean.... gibberish
Tara: he's almost crying saying "I know, and when you know..." at least he knows he has to do something. I think I have to stop watching this. I've hit my crazy limit
Mark: skip to the end, the voice over closing is the best part
Tara: that's FUCKING CRAZY. he's turned over a billion people into scientologists? there's no way that's true
Marq: one time, when my brother was drunk; he claimed to have invented Pineapple Juice
Tara: and it's his responsibility to share pineapple juice because NO ONE ELSE CAN
Marq: beyond bizarre.
It seriously looks like a Tom Cruise impersonator who's trying to embarrass him. does he really think anyone is going to take him seriously?
Tara: apparently over a billion people do
Marq: pineapple juice
Tara: word

Thursday, January 3, 2008

On fashion

Coworker 3: i think your sexual orientation should be soley defined on your appearance in past decades
Tara: that would be hilarious
Coworker 3:if that was the case, my dad would have about 10 wives right now. he was like, magnum PI in the 70s and 80s
Tara: wow. he'd be a total pimp
Coworker 3: yeah, my step-dad on the other hand...would have been the first amish drag queen. he had the wrap around beard and the gayest clothes you have ever seen
Tara: that might be the funniest thing I've ever read. so you still judge him?
Coworker 3: um. short shorts, fanny pack, tucked in hawaiian shirt, 80s sunglasses, beard
Tara: okay, I judge him now
Coworker 3: if i don't judge him, history will. i wish i could get you the photo
Tara: that would be incredible
Coworker 3: even if i could, i'm not sure i would... that would cause emotional trauma equivalent to waterboarding for both him and those who see the photo. i want people to feel good about being alive
Tara: oh how I've missed you
Coworker 3: lol likewise