On Michael Flatley

Tara: okay, that video of your baby dancing is awesome
Marq: glad you liked it. I can literally play any music and he dances the same way
even to the weather channel
Tara: that's awesome!
Marq: yeah, he's gonna grow up to be a Micheal Flatley
Tara: but less gay?
Marq: he's not gay, he just plays gay on stage. kinda like that guy from Will and Grace
Tara: right. but either way he's fabulous?
Marq: FAB-U-LOUS! snap snap
Tara: holy crap he's from detroit
Marq: oh yeah, he's neither Irish nor Gay
Tara: and is married to a woman whose name I can't pronounce
Marq: It's pronounced Gold-Digger
Tara: LOL. well, his parents are from ireland. and he has a flute solo album
Marq: hehe
Tara: plays a flute...
Marq: teehee. Not GAY!
Tara: at all!
Marq: nope. all man
Tara: RAWR!
Marq: Just dances in spangly tights and plays the flute
Tara: that's right
Marq: ...also while wearing tights. or not. probably not
Tara: this is making me giggle

On Tom Cruise

Marq: have you looked at wwtdd lately? I am fully charged!
Tara: not today, why?
Marq: Tom Cruise is Crazy as Hell
Tara: lemme look
while I wait for the video to load, let me just say... the photo of the dude with a dollhouse for a hat? genius
Marq: yeah, the whole Britney thing is so far past being surreal at this point
Tara: okay, I'm going to watch the video now. if you don't hear back, assume it's because the craziness killed me
Marq: sweetzombiejesus, he comes across as if he's doing a parody of himself. Dramatic music, doubletalk... then the announcer/voice over. it reminds me of Starship Troopers
Tara: did he just say "criminon"?!?!
Marq: its like he's reciting Green Eggs and Ham, but with gravitas. utter gibberish
Tara: you see things the way they are in all its glory? so you and I are missing out on seeing the way things are? and he wants to romp and play? that seems like an odd confession
Marq: that's what I mean.... gibberish
Tara: he's almost crying saying "I know, and when you know..." at least he knows he has to do something. I think I have to stop watching this. I've hit my crazy limit
Mark: skip to the end, the voice over closing is the best part
Tara: that's FUCKING CRAZY. he's turned over a billion people into scientologists? there's no way that's true
Marq: one time, when my brother was drunk; he claimed to have invented Pineapple Juice
Tara: and it's his responsibility to share pineapple juice because NO ONE ELSE CAN
Marq: beyond bizarre.
It seriously looks like a Tom Cruise impersonator who's trying to embarrass him. does he really think anyone is going to take him seriously?
Tara: apparently over a billion people do
Marq: pineapple juice
Tara: word

On conservapedia

Marq: so I'm just reading your blog
Tara: yup
Marq: the wiki part
Tara: oh right
Marq: on boingboing last week they were comparing the top 10 articles on Wikipedia
to the top 10 articles on the Conservapedia
Tara: okay you have to find that for me
Marq: well you're already familiar with Wikipedia and their top 10:

1. Main Page [30,090,900]
2. Wiki [904,800]
3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [413,400]
4. Naruto [401,400]
5. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock [396,000]
6. United States [330,000]
7. Wikipedia [329,400]
8. Deaths in 2007 [321,300]
9. Heroes (TV series) [307,500]
10. Transformers (film) [303,600]
    

Marq: nothing too surprising there
Tara: some of those are a little surprising, but go on
Marq: however when one goes to the "conservapedia: the encyclopeda for conservative adults" it gets a little...weird
Tara: my brain is already hurting, but go on...
Marq: so before I reveal the top 10, what you would guess most conservatives are MOST curious about. and by conservative, think Right wing alarmists
Tara: Iran?
Marq: pfft. try again
Tara: Britney Spears?
Marq: BUZZZ! no
Tara: okay, I give up
Marq: well number 1 is the front page, no shocker there
Tara: sure
Marq: #2 Homosexuality‎ [1,623,939]
Tara: wow. that's a lot of hits
Marq: wanna take a stab at #2?
Tara: abortion?
Marq: #3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis‎ [518,020]
Tara: WTF?!?!?!
Marq: #4 Homosexuality and Parasites‎ [432,901]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity‎ [422,097]
number 6 is my favourite
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome‎ [401,091]
Tara: COME ON. THAT CAN'T BE REAL.
Marq: http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page. these are their stats
#9 is Homosexuality and Anal Cancer‎ [294,340]
and finally
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health‎ [293,689]
Tara: you left out domestic violence and gonorrhea?
Marq: sorry, how could I leave out the clap? please forgive me
Tara: I'll try my best. I'm looking at gay bowel syndrome right now. this is bizarre and horrifying
Marq: so to review, these are the areas of MOST CONCERN to right wing Americuh. GAY PANIC!
Tara: aren't we lucky they have "The Trustworthy Encyclopedia" to turn to?

On merkins

Marq: your blog has inspired me to examine fugly.com again
Tara: and? how'd that go?
Marq: *******ADULT MATERIALS********THE WORKPLACE POLICE ARE COMING
Tara: naturally
Marq: I should be escorted out shortly
Tara: it's funny that we can google search anything or see anything on wikipedia regardless of what it's a description of
Marq: like "merkin"
Tara: I don't know what that is and now I have to look and I'm probably going to regret it
Marq: you don't know what a merkin is?
Tara: no
Marq: shall I descibe it?
Tara: no, that's fine. wikipedia just told me. that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard of.
Marq: it is. I try to use the word in conversation as much as possible. if no one is looking you can google image search it
Tara: no need. there's a bright pink one on wikipedia
Marq: I found a sequined one
Tara: sequined eh? wow. liberace would have loved that
Marq: Some saftey instructions I found on the intertoobs: "Your merkin is highly flammable. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Tara: that's awesome. but really, if you manage to set a merkin aflame while wearing it, you probably deserve some crotch burns

On the worst person in the world

Marq: Have you seen the website of the "worst person in the world?"
Tara: No. And you need to see this trailer: http://www.ifilm.com/video/2905684
Marq: not Paris Hilton
Tara: seriously. it's hilarious
Marq: ok but you have to look at this guy. http://johnfitzgeraldpage.com/aboutus.aspx
Tara: I've never heard of this guy
Marq: but you can sense the awesome be sure to check out his 'fitness' page
Tara: oh dear. now I see the email he sent her. he is a douche
Marq: yeah, just a little. even outside of the letter, that website is just ... shocking
Tara: yeah... that fitness page is just sad
Marq: he looks like he's poopin
Tara: yes, yes he does
Marq: screams for lol-catting

On terrible ideas

Marq: So imagine for a second you are the president of a country and you want to raise a monument to a highly contraversial figure from your country's past. IE: many people love him, but a similar number hate him. What material would you use for said monument?
Tara: probably some sort of stone or concrete.Why?
Marq: Do you think glass would be a good choice?
Tara: No, not really. Glass isn't a great choice for any monument.
Marq: Then congratulations, you're smarter than Hugo Chavez. http://www.kansascity.com/news/world/story/324670.html
Tara: That seems like a terrible idea
Marq: I think those are the only kind of ideas he has. Terrible ones.
Tara: This is the first I've heard of, so in my books he's 1 for 1 on terrible ideas.
Marq: Not to get off on a Chavez rant, but in terms of terrible-ness, this one is pretty minor compared to some of just doozys.
Tara: How many wackos are holding office around the world right now? I'm getting the sense there are way too many.
Marq: Yeah, it's time we learned that democracy just doesn't work.
Tara: True, but I'd like to know what the alternatives are before moving away from it.
Marq: Serfdom?
Tara: "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"
Marq: By the Baron? That's what Barons do
Tara: I was quoting monty python, but sure. It depends on who the Baron is.
Marq: I wish I was a Baron. Droit de seigneur seems like a pretty good deal ...for the Baron
Tara: What would you do with it? I suspect your wife wouldn't be totally cool with you deflowering virgins, even if it is a legal right.
Marq: Yeah, I should have considered that. Perhaps it's for the best that I am not a baron

On bigfoot

Marq: have you ever wondered about male bigfoots and female bigfoots (bigfeet)?
Tara: um... no. why?
Marq: well you only ever hear of apparently male Bigfoots rampaging thru mountain towns
so how do they breed? .... Nevermind, I have the answer, in the form of a movie poster


Tara: that's amazing
Mark: I'll sleep soundly tonight
Tara: no kidding, except it might breed with you
Mark: I sleep on my back
Tara: that's probably for the best

On spam

Tara: I thought I was getting my first nigerian spam email and it turns out to just be pharmaceutical spam. I'm actually disappointed now

Marq: boner pills?

Tara: yes

Marq: well that's too bad, but at least you get to say the word "boner" today

On turds, gunts and titmice

Tara: So I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when my brother is here next Friday. Saturday Natalie's going to do a thanksgiving dinner, and then Rosanne's doing hers on the Sunday.
Marq: Nice.
Tara: Yeah, Natalie's thinking about doing a turducken.
Marq: Where does one find a deboned duck? Or the other things in turducken?
Tara: I'm not sure. I think you can just buy turduckens at some butchers.
Marq: I don't think "turducken" is a very good portmanteau. The word "turd" should not be a part of the name for any food.
Tara: [giggles] Ha! You said "turd". I can't deal with that word or "gunt". They make me laugh every time I hear them unexpectedly.
Marq: [laughs] Gunt! "Titmouse" does that to me too.
Tara: [laughs too hard at the word "titmouse" to respond, wipes some tears away] That's beautiful.

On symbols

Marq: So I saw the weirdest thing in the mall yesterday.
Tara: What's that?
Marq: A youngish woman, in her 20's, with matching skull and crossbones tattoos on her upper chest. So, on her boobs essentially.
Tara: Dammit she stole my idea! :)
Marq: Being as the skull and crossbones symbol is pretty much internationally recognized as "poison," do you think she''ll appreciate the implications of breastfeeding?
Tara: I have no idea, but that's amazing
Marq: Like she could have used a different symbol for at least one of them...
explosive
DANGER
or...
High Voltage
anything but poison
Tara: Or she knows what she's really like and isn't afraid to say it. Or really likes pirates and didn't think about the poison symbol.
Marq: I suppose BioHazard might be the only worse choice she could have made.
Tara: Combustible might end a sex life
Marq: Or...
enhance it ;)

On drunks and babies

Marq: and speaking of cute babies, check out this video of my son.
Tara: that's so great!
Marq: yeah, that's the first time he took more than 3 stumbling steps in a row
Tara: I totally see why people think babies look like they're drunk when they just start walking
Marq: oh he is totally my little drunk buddy...walks poorly, poor motor control, cries for no reason, likes to hug people, occasional leakage, spits up, prone to fits of giggling. all those things describe drunks AND babies.
Tara: true