Tuesday, October 30, 2007

On tattoos, parte the seconde

Coworker 1: I wanna get a tattoo. Probably a collage on my back.
Coworker 3: Hey, do you have any tattoos?
Contractor: No, I can't commit to anything enough to get it put on my body.
Coworker 1: I'm gonna get one on my face.
Coworker 3: [laughs] On your face, eh? What are you going to get?
Tara: Another face?
Coworker 1: A big star like that guy from Kiss.
Coworker 3: Paul Stanley? Okay, if you get that, I'll get a cat nose and whiskers on my face.
Contractor: I don't know if I can spend time with you guys if you're going to be such a bad influence on me.
Tara: What's so bad about a cat nose and whiskers?

On garbage cans

Coworker 2: I'm going to use your private garbage can.
Tara: But that's my private garbage can!

Friday, October 26, 2007

On degrees of fugliness

Tara: Okay, that's fugly.
Coworker: What's fugly?
Tara: This email. It's completely fugly. And I don't use the word "fugly" that often.
Coworker: That's not just fugly, that's motherfugly.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

On Paris Hilton

Tara: So did you watch the trailer for Repo! The Genetic Opera yet?
Coworker 3: No, not yet.
Tara: It looks incredible. Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman and Giles from "Buffy" are in it. And we might see Paris Hilton have her entrails removed
Coworker 3: Really?
Tara: From what I've read about it, it seems to be about how there are a whole bunch of organ failures so people are having their organs removed against their wills.
Coworker 3: How many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Tara: I can think of a couple that she doesn't seem to be using.
Coworker 2: [walks up to us]
Tara: Hey, how many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Coworker 2: None.
Tara: Seriously? Because she already seems to be functioning without a brain.
Coworker 2: That's not an organ for her, that's an accessory.

On the worst person in the world

Marq: Have you seen the website of the "worst person in the world?"
Tara: No. And you need to see this trailer:
Marq: not Paris Hilton
Tara: seriously. it's hilarious
Marq: ok but you have to look at this guy.
Tara: I've never heard of this guy
Marq: but you can sense the awesome be sure to check out his 'fitness' page
Tara: oh dear. now I see the email he sent her. he is a douche
Marq: yeah, just a little. even outside of the letter, that website is just ... shocking
Tara: yeah... that fitness page is just sad
Marq: he looks like he's poopin
Tara: yes, yes he does
Marq: screams for lol-catting

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

On tattoos

Tara: My friend got a tattoo of a set of thumbscrews on her wrist.
Random female coworker: Oh yeah? I should get a guillotine on my wrist.
Random male coworker: Better than getting it somewhere else...

On why some of my friends are evil

Tara: I'm not getting a console just for DDR when I'm at your place and Chris's 3 or 4 times a week.
Ed: You're using logic and reasoning again. Those have no place at work, you know that. (:
Tara: I know. it doesn't happen often, so let's not get rid of it this time.
Ed: Guitar Hero?
Tara: I'm not buying a console
Ed: (:
Tara: It doesn't make sense for me to do it when I'm not home most of the time. And you see me playing my DS about 95% of the time that I actually play it. I didn't like guitar hero anyway.
Ed: That's a shame.
Tara: I don't need a Wii. you just want to feel less bad about getting 8 games within the span of a month. peddle your crack elsewhere ;)
Ed: Oh, no, I understand very clearly that I'm both an addict and a terrible person. (...but I'm also a client!) commercial runs through my head)
Tara: I think I'm just the wrong person to try and convince to buy a console. I've had Ryan's cube since March and have played for about 15 total hours
Ed: I'm just trying to make myself feel better for the amount of money I'm going to be spending in November, is all.
Tara: I know it, and I'm not doing it this time. sure, I'll buy 3 DS games at once, but I'm not buying a console :)

On why we need to proofread (guest entry)

Ed: Do I need access for these?
Coworker: Yes I am have just requested it for you
Ed: Can we are have adding permissions ourselves, or do we am have to request it from another group?

On terrible ideas

Marq: So imagine for a second you are the president of a country and you want to raise a monument to a highly contraversial figure from your country's past. IE: many people love him, but a similar number hate him. What material would you use for said monument?
Tara: probably some sort of stone or concrete.Why?
Marq: Do you think glass would be a good choice?
Tara: No, not really. Glass isn't a great choice for any monument.
Marq: Then congratulations, you're smarter than Hugo Chavez.
Tara: That seems like a terrible idea
Marq: I think those are the only kind of ideas he has. Terrible ones.
Tara: This is the first I've heard of, so in my books he's 1 for 1 on terrible ideas.
Marq: Not to get off on a Chavez rant, but in terms of terrible-ness, this one is pretty minor compared to some of just doozys.
Tara: How many wackos are holding office around the world right now? I'm getting the sense there are way too many.
Marq: Yeah, it's time we learned that democracy just doesn't work.
Tara: True, but I'd like to know what the alternatives are before moving away from it.
Marq: Serfdom?
Tara: "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"
Marq: By the Baron? That's what Barons do
Tara: I was quoting monty python, but sure. It depends on who the Baron is.
Marq: I wish I was a Baron. Droit de seigneur seems like a pretty good deal ...for the Baron
Tara: What would you do with it? I suspect your wife wouldn't be totally cool with you deflowering virgins, even if it is a legal right.
Marq: Yeah, I should have considered that. Perhaps it's for the best that I am not a baron

Monday, October 22, 2007

On dancing birds

Natalie: Okay, you have to see this.

Neil: Fuck that bird.
Tara: Are you just mad because it has rhythm?
Neil: Yes!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

On bigfoot

Marq: have you ever wondered about male bigfoots and female bigfoots (bigfeet)?
Tara: um... no. why?
Marq: well you only ever hear of apparently male Bigfoots rampaging thru mountain towns
so how do they breed? .... Nevermind, I have the answer, in the form of a movie poster

Tara: that's amazing
Mark: I'll sleep soundly tonight
Tara: no kidding, except it might breed with you
Mark: I sleep on my back
Tara: that's probably for the best

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

On spam

Tara: I thought I was getting my first nigerian spam email and it turns out to just be pharmaceutical spam. I'm actually disappointed now
Marq: boner pills?
Tara: yes
Marq: well that's too bad, but at least you get to say the word "boner" today

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

On why I love IMing with my brother sometimes

Michael: So I just got off the phone with dad and he says Aunt Jeanne's going to talk to a lawyer.
Tara: What's your phone number?
Michael: Why?
Tara: I have to leave in 10 minutes. I want to talk to you about this, but it's quicker to talk on the phone than to type.
Michael: [gives phone number]
Tara: [dials number]
Michael: brb. the phone's ringing.
Tara: [laughs]
[conversation ensues wherein I'm filled in on the latest family news. when it's over I return to my computer to check the weather before I leave]
Michael: Ok i'm back.
Tara: You're hilarious
Michael: [sunglasses guy emoticon]
Tara: I just laughed out loud
Michael: I'm glad. Ok I'm going for real this time. ttyl
Tara: k bye

On ringtones

Tara: Is that someone's ringtone?
Natalie: Yeah. It sounds all ethereal and stuff. Your ringtone always sounds like a mystery's being solved, like at the end of CSI.

On D&D and racial profiling

Natalie: You know in D&D how they have half-elves? What do they call a 1/8 elf? An elveroon?

On Elebits

Ed: I'm trying to get a copy of Rune Factory on Game Trader. I think I can trade Elebits for it.
Tara: Oh yeah, you didn't like that did you?
Natalie: Well, the tutorial wasw so fun and then the game... not so much.
Ed: It's the equivalent of an "I've lost my keys and I'm late for work" game.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

On naming

Coworker 1: My girlfriend doesn't understand why black people name their kids "Ebony".
Coworker 3: Why?
Tara: That's like me naming my kid "Ivory".
Coworker 3: What's wrong with that?
Tara: I read a few years ago that the Quebec government wouldn't let a couple name their kid "Ivory" because it was a brand name.
COworker 3: When I have a kid some day I'm going to name it "Shitmix two thousand and whatever year it is".
Tara: I don't think you'll be allowed.
Coworker 3: Because "Shitmix" is a brand name?
Tara: No, because it has swearing in it.
Coworker 1: You should name your kid "Douche".
Coworker 3: And I'll just tell the government it's French for bag or whatever.
Tara: I think it's french for shower.
Coworker 1: Or you can call it "La Douche".
Coworker 3: Or add an "El" so it's like "El Douch-ay".
Tara: That's a little too close to "Il Duce".
Coworker 3: What's that?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

On ice cream

Natalie: Isn't the avocado ice cream so good?
Tara: I know. I think I'm going to mix it now with the mango.
Matthew: You were the queen of mixing ice cream when you were younger. I remember you always mixing Neopolitan.
Natalie: Neopolitan is like the asshole of ice creams.

On pro athletes failing urine tests

Natalie: I think I should sell fraudulent pee on the Internet.

Friday, October 5, 2007

On smurfs

Tara: Natalieeeeeeee!
Natalie: What?
Tara: Neil's there!
Natalie: Neil's where?
Tara: He's drunk!
Neil: No I'm not. I'm just happy.
Tara: You're like a smurf.
Neil: Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Natalie: [mocking] Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Neil: I hate you all.