Wednesday, May 28, 2008

On Champix side effects

Tara: so what are the side effects you're having?
Neil: well, i am very tired and prone to feeling weak.
in the morning i often feel nauseous to the point of wondering if i'm going to throw up.
i have very vivid dreams and my sleep isn't very restful.
i may be pregnant.
you got me pregnant.
look what you did!

Monday, May 26, 2008

On soap

Coworker 2: Did you just take a shower?
Coworker 3: Yeah. Because I just rode the bike and I didn't want to smell like bike.
Tara: We appreciate that you don't want to smell like bike either.
Coworker 3: Especially since bike smells like old feet.
Tara: So you would smell like old feet.
Coworker 3: Right. When I could smell like something delicious like peppermint.
Tara: There are many better things to smell like than old feet.
Coworker 3: Check out this bottle. The label looks like it was written by a schizophrenic shaman.
Tara: [Laughs until she thinks she may no longer breathe and nearly chokes on the apple she was chewing]

Thursday, May 15, 2008

On hen's teeth

Ed: sigh
Tara: ?
Ed: I described something as being like hen's teeth in chat.
Tara: okay
Ed: They'd never heard of it. I said it means rare or impossible to find.
Tara: oh dear
Ed: Then said it was my fault, I forgot they didn't speak old.
Tara: I know what it is and so does my brother Matthew
Ed: Thank you. I appreciate the gesture. (:
Tara: it's true though. matthew used it in his msn name recently. something about how jobs in amherstburg are about as common as hen's teeth
Ed: Sounds about right.
Tara: luckily he got a job at subway
Ed: (:

2 hours pass...

Ed: and at that point even I noticed I was rambling.
Tara: you're not. this is very goode. good even
Ed: (:
Tara: I was feeling olde-timey ;)
Ed: It's all good, olde-timey people are like hen's teeth. You were saying. (:
Tara: I actually laughed out loud

On therapy

Tara: Hey dude, how's it going?
Natalie: Great. My therapist is awesome. Like a grandma.
Neil: Really?
Natalie: Yeah, but in a "my grandma can kick your grandma's ass kind of way".
Tara: That's the greatest thing I've heard all week.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

On Portal

Neil: You know, being drunk makes me think about portals.
Tara: I need to go blog that right now.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

On quotation marks

Coworker 3: Someone sent me some changes for the newsletter and one of them is...:

They by far and away prefer debit cards to any type of credit or consumer charge cards.
and she is wondering if there should be quotes or something around "far and away"
Tara: NO
Coworker 3: which, seems very very wrong
Tara: fuck. absolutely not
Coworker 3: okay that's what i thought
Tara: I'm so tired of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: i wouldn't call them "superfluous"
Tara: I should get a t-shirt made that says: I'm so "tired" of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: lol. for sure. and i'll say, hey tara i really "like" your tshirt. air quotes will be added
Tara: are you sure you don't "really" like it?
Coworker 3: i'm going to steal it, so i'll say: i really like "your" shirt
Tara: I love it. I mean, I "love" it.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

On sex offenders

Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: A sign of the apocalypse. The 18 sexiest female teacher sex offenders. (
Tara: Oh god.
Coworker 3: I know. I mean, what would a list of the 18 sexiest male sex offenders look like?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

On countries I've never heard of

Tara: I've never heard of some of these countries
Random Coworker: neither had I.
Tara: Vanuatu?
Random Coworker: I have actually heard of that
Tara: that sounds like it's from a sci-fi
Random Coworker: like a weird planet somewhere
Tara: Wallis and Futuna... they're the uncle and aunt you never want to see
Random Coworker: that Kirk took advantage of the women of...
Random Coworker: I meant Vanuatu... not the aunt and uncle cause that's just creepy
Tara: LOL. he was arrested for that once
Random Coworker: and family dinners have never been the same....

Friday, February 15, 2008

On Michael Flatley

Tara: okay, that video of your baby dancing is awesome
Marq: glad you liked it. I can literally play any music and he dances the same way
even to the weather channel
Tara: that's awesome!
Marq: yeah, he's gonna grow up to be a Micheal Flatley
Tara: but less gay?
Marq: he's not gay, he just plays gay on stage. kinda like that guy from Will and Grace
Tara: right. but either way he's fabulous?
Marq: FAB-U-LOUS! snap snap
Tara: holy crap he's from detroit
Marq: oh yeah, he's neither Irish nor Gay
Tara: and is married to a woman whose name I can't pronounce
Marq: It's pronounced Gold-Digger
Tara: LOL. well, his parents are from ireland. and he has a flute solo album
Marq: hehe
Tara: plays a flute...
Marq: teehee. Not GAY!
Tara: at all!
Marq: nope. all man
Tara: RAWR!
Marq: Just dances in spangly tights and plays the flute
Tara: that's right
Marq: ...also while wearing tights. or not. probably not
Tara: this is making me giggle

Thursday, February 14, 2008

On DDR for mobiles

Ed: ?!?
Tara: I know! I might have to get that!
Ed: Do you need really tiny feet for it? (;

Monday, February 11, 2008

Guest entry: on cookies and Churchill

Ed: need.......nap.....can't....finish....cookie...
Natalie: heh.
it's defeating you?
Ed: It will not! I have not yet begun to fight! Nevah Surrendah! (munch munch)
Natalie: oh dear

Monday, February 4, 2008

On the Superbowl, for Ed

Ed: Nice.
Tara: I like that article
Ed: It's a wonderful diversion from the ceaseless New England coverage.
Tara: sure has a lot about the giants and manning. it's like the sports coverage world turned its head making that popping sound as the patriots' collective cock came out if its mouth and went "hey, wait a minute, some other guy won!"

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

On names and perception

Tara: What's your middle name?
Random coworker: John Edward. When I was growing up I had a neighbour named Edward who I thought I was named after. Of course, that was also when I thought cats were girls and boys were dogs.

Friday, January 25, 2008

On douchebags

Tara: Okay, so check this out. I clicked on this google ads link in my email for "Yoga Army" dresses, and this is what I found.
Coworker 3: Wow. I like that army.
Tara: So they're apparently boob dresses. Holy crap, that one is $250.
Coworker 3: I'll pay. Hey, the google ad in my gmail says "Spanish driver sues dead crash cyclist for damage"
Tara: How do you sue a dead person?
Coworker 3: Says a businessman is suing the family for 20,000 euros for the damage the body's impact made to the car.
Tara: I'd like to change the headline to "You know how I know you're a douchebag?"

On "Teeth"

Coworker 3: So how is Cloverfield rating?
Tara: In the 70s. You know what's getting a higher rating?
Coworker 3: What?
Tara: Teeth.
Coworker 3: What's that?
Tara: Here's the trailer.
Coworker 3: Oh my god. I've had nightmares about that.
Tara: Seriously? Like for reals?
Coworker 3: It's not an uncommon dream for young guys to have. I saw a vagina with teeth in it when I was a kid and it scared the shit out of me.
Tara: Speaking as a woman, that would scare the shit out of me too.
Coworker 3: Yeah, no doubt. You'd have to get flesh dentures.
Tara: I'd probably get surgery.
Coworker 3: And I'd probably have 2 toothbrushes. You don't want to mix that.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Guest entry: on names

Neil: Hey.
Brown: Hey.
Neil: Are you ever scared that someone will make a supremely popular song that prominently features your name in the title and/or chorus.
Brown: Why would that scare me?
Neil: Well, it would kind of change your life.
Brown: How?
Neil: Depends on the song. Depends on the singer. But, I mean, that's one of the first things people would say when they meet you. People are always trying to say smart things when they first meet someone.
Brown: Right. Example?
Neil: Example? Sure. Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah.
Neil: Tommy can you hear me?
Tommy: Fuck off.
Brown: Ah, I see.
Neil: So?
Brown: Yeah, I'm not that worried. Are you?
Neil: Not really. I just don't like the idea that something as external and obnoxious as a pop song could change the shape of my life.
Tommy: It's more like it changes the smell of your life.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

On currencies and wardrobes

Ed: I found you a copy of Puzzle Quest on Ebay. Not bad and it ends in an hour. $12 for shipping though.
Tara: I can't bid in an hour, so I'm thinking $15 max
my bid pushed it to $11.50
Ed: Nice little end to the day, either way.
Tara: with a game that hates me personally? :)
Ed: Oh, it will. Easily the most frustrating DS game I've ever played.
Tara: poor neil
Ed: When you get this game? This game should come with a warning for people willing to farm in caves. (:
Tara: the good news, and this will always be true, is that at least I'll have boobs
Ed: And yet I have yet to see you ever use them as currency to get by in any situation.
Tara: I'm saving them for a special occasion
Ed: A wonderful hole card, to be sure, but still. Wait, that's not true!
I remember you bringing just the faintest hint of cleavage to the Catan tournament at that board-game festival.
Tara: :) clearly didn't work, but I tried
Ed: I think it had to do with your level of cleavage commitment.
Tara: true, but the chud there weren't worth a nipple display. also, I don't have many particularly busty shirts
Ed: Not that I've seen. Your wardrobe does tend more toward Victorian than Produce Display.
Tara: victorian?
Ed: Covered up to the neck.
Tara: maybe victorian tomboy
Ed: Victorian only in coverage, not in constriction.

On Tom Cruise

Marq: have you looked at wwtdd lately? I am fully charged!
Tara: not today, why?
Marq: Tom Cruise is Crazy as Hell
Tara: lemme look
while I wait for the video to load, let me just say... the photo of the dude with a dollhouse for a hat? genius
Marq: yeah, the whole Britney thing is so far past being surreal at this point
Tara: okay, I'm going to watch the video now. if you don't hear back, assume it's because the craziness killed me
Marq: sweetzombiejesus, he comes across as if he's doing a parody of himself. Dramatic music, doubletalk... then the announcer/voice over. it reminds me of Starship Troopers
Tara: did he just say "criminon"?!?!
Marq: its like he's reciting Green Eggs and Ham, but with gravitas. utter gibberish
Tara: you see things the way they are in all its glory? so you and I are missing out on seeing the way things are? and he wants to romp and play? that seems like an odd confession
Marq: that's what I mean.... gibberish
Tara: he's almost crying saying "I know, and when you know..." at least he knows he has to do something. I think I have to stop watching this. I've hit my crazy limit
Mark: skip to the end, the voice over closing is the best part
Tara: that's FUCKING CRAZY. he's turned over a billion people into scientologists? there's no way that's true
Marq: one time, when my brother was drunk; he claimed to have invented Pineapple Juice
Tara: and it's his responsibility to share pineapple juice because NO ONE ELSE CAN
Marq: beyond bizarre.
It seriously looks like a Tom Cruise impersonator who's trying to embarrass him. does he really think anyone is going to take him seriously?
Tara: apparently over a billion people do
Marq: pineapple juice
Tara: word

Thursday, January 3, 2008

On fashion

Coworker 3: i think your sexual orientation should be soley defined on your appearance in past decades
Tara: that would be hilarious
Coworker 3:if that was the case, my dad would have about 10 wives right now. he was like, magnum PI in the 70s and 80s
Tara: wow. he'd be a total pimp
Coworker 3: yeah, my step-dad on the other hand...would have been the first amish drag queen. he had the wrap around beard and the gayest clothes you have ever seen
Tara: that might be the funniest thing I've ever read. so you still judge him?
Coworker 3: um. short shorts, fanny pack, tucked in hawaiian shirt, 80s sunglasses, beard
Tara: okay, I judge him now
Coworker 3: if i don't judge him, history will. i wish i could get you the photo
Tara: that would be incredible
Coworker 3: even if i could, i'm not sure i would... that would cause emotional trauma equivalent to waterboarding for both him and those who see the photo. i want people to feel good about being alive
Tara: oh how I've missed you
Coworker 3: lol likewise