Saturday, September 29, 2007

On things without shame

Tara: Daisy, you have no shame.
Daisy: [Wags tail like a maniac, even though she's laying down]
Tara: I'm taking a photo of this.
Daisy: [Continues to wag tail like a maniac]

Thursday, September 27, 2007

On boring meetings

Tara: a little over an hour and I get to go get my butter chicken :D. gross. then I have an hour long meeting directly after lunch. I kid you not, it's called "SharePoint Governance". I'm on the sharepoint governance committee.
Ed: Sounds.....(thump of unconscious body hitting desk)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

On why she uses the feather

Gabrielle: [playing Super Mario Bros on GBA] This level I use the feather to fly because it's a really hard level. The sun flies down and tries to get you. It's a mad sun. It had a hard time at home.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

On why it was okay for her friend to come over even though her parents weren't home yet

Gabrielle: [on phone with friend] My best friend is here and she's an adult so you can come over. She lives here and... she's an adult. She's short, but... yeah. So you can come over.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

Monday, September 24, 2007

On turds, gunts and titmice

Tara: So I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when my brother is here next Friday. Saturday Natalie's going to do a thanksgiving dinner, and then Rosanne's doing hers on the Sunday.
Marq: Nice.
Tara: Yeah, Natalie's thinking about doing a turducken.
Marq: Where does one find a deboned duck? Or the other things in turducken?
Tara: I'm not sure. I think you can just buy turduckens at some butchers.
Marq: I don't think "turducken" is a very good portmanteau. The word "turd" should not be a part of the name for any food.
Tara: [giggles] Ha! You said "turd". I can't deal with that word or "gunt". They make me laugh every time I hear them unexpectedly.
Marq: [laughs] Gunt! "Titmouse" does that to me too.
Tara: [laughs too hard at the word "titmouse" to respond, wipes some tears away] That's beautiful.

Friday, September 21, 2007

On holocausts

Coworker 3: did i tell you about my hideously morbid neteller nuclear holocaust dream?
Tara: no
Ken: .... consider yourself lucky :-P
Tara: I wish you could have seen my face when I read that line
Ken: hahahah. it wasn't even really that morbid as far as ...y'know nuclear holocausts go
Tara: is there such a thing as a happy nuclear holocaust? deformed rabbits hopping on one and a half leg through a blackened, former meadow?
Coworker 3: that's kind of happy. but i think there are much happier scenarios for a nuclear "holocaust". for example. say there's a certain type of wheat that germinates particularily well under immense radioactive bombardment and this wheat is growing next to a field of sugar cane and instead of hydrogen or uranium the bomb was made from only the finest glacial waters in the kootenay--we're talking about the nuclear payload here. now, we've got all the ingredients here for a fine tasting lager except hops. this is where things get tricky. basically, if all the people living in the target area stored a few bags of hops in their homes when the bomb detonated, it would instantly brew millions of gallons of big rock grasshopper. it would be, in effect, an alcoholocaust
Tara: I can't deal with this. I'm posting it to the blog and I need to always work with you
Coworker 3: well, i'm still working out the science behind it. but, i think it can be done
Tara: you make it happen, and everyone in Canada will be on board. I'd prefer to get trad in my house during the alcoholocaust though
Coworker 3: if you wish to have every cell in your body instantly atomized by a darker, richer flavoured explosion with a hint of nuts, then you will need to store slightly different ingredients in your neighborhood.
Tara: I can arrange that

Why she's my favourite kid

Tara: Stop tickling my ribs with your toes!
Gabrielle: Stop tickling my toes with your ribs!
Tara: My ribs don't move on their own!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

On barbecued eel

Coworker 2: I don't like barbecued eel. It tastes like dirt.
Tara: No, it tastes like barbecue. But its texture is weird. Sort of like fish, sort of like meat.
Coworker 3: It's feet!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

On Celine Dion

Tara: hey dude. do you know where Neil is?
Natalie: right next to me=). he hates you
Tara: why? oh. right. the video

Natalie: yep. the video
Tara: tell him it's payback for his friend's blog. I'm just sharing pain with the rest of you :). is that not the worst video ever?
Natalie: it is HORRIBLE
Tara: I know. it's so bad I considered not listening to music anymore
Natalie: ever again? any music?
Tara: yes. but then changed my mind. it was a brief thought
Natalie: but it still almost destroyed music for you forever, and that amuses me
Tara: oh yes, she did do that. but really, I'm surprised she hasn't done that for more people
Natalie: I hate celine dion more than I can ever express to you. I hope that cancer bees rape her in the eyeballs
Tara: I'm trying not to laugh loudly.
Natalie: that's the best picture ever

Sunday, September 16, 2007

On bromanties

Chris: Karrie and I are going to finish 'In Her Shoes' tomorrow night.
Tara: I still can't believe you like that movie. You have more of a
uterus than I do.
Chris: I'm wearing my manties!
Tara: You're *what*?
Ryan: I overheard it at school. It's genius because it's so obvious.
Tara: Please name Chris' mangina, Natalie. He's out of hand.
Natalie: Hmm...ah. I have it. Lady Winnifred Cockleshell Herringbone III.
Tara: Amazing.
Chris: Manties!
Tara: Best new word ever.
Natalie: What about bromance? I still like that one.
Chris: Would those involved in a bromance wear bromanties?
Ryan: Bromanties sounds like a greek god.
Natalie: Yeah. Bromantes, god of saunas and foreskin.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Heard at Blow-Out

Chris E: That's me. [points to Miss Lamp]
Tara: That's not you, that's your book you liar.
Blow-Out Attendee: [laughs] Is this your wife?
Tara and Chris E: [laughs] No, no no no.
Blow-Out Attendee: Does she cook you breakfast a couple of times a week?
Tara: I cook for no one.

On hateful cupcakes

Tara: There was a good post last week where there's the line "Nazis don't get cupcakes".
Ryan: What if it's a Nazi cupcake?
Tara: There's no such thing.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake with a swastika on it?
Tara: Nope, they don't get them.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake that hates Jews?
Tara: I don't think there's a such thing. Cupcakes don't hate.
Ryan: What if there's a cupcake that doesn't like black people?
Tara: No, no such thing.
Ryan: Listen. The Nazi cupcakes are made by crazy Nazi mad scientists. Nazi cupcakes are born, not bred.

On homicide

Neil's friend: So there was that quintuple murder-suicide in Victoria.
Neil: WHAT?!
Tara: Yeah. Didn't you hear about that? A guy in the middle of a divorce killed his wife, their kid, her parents and then himself, all with a knife.
Neil: Well that's how you know he means it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

On naked mole rats

Tara: someone sent me a photo of a naked mole rat. it looks like a penis with front teeth
Natalie: you can't just SAY THAT TO ME when I am SWALLOWING LIQUID. that. is. amazing.

On other people's misery in film

Tara: I saw The Lives of Others last night. It was amazing.
Coworker 3: Really? Okay, I'll watch that if you watch Letters from Iwo Jima.
Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: It's this Clint Eastwood movie that's totally dope. About how the Japanese were preparing for 2 months for this battle against the Americans that they knew they would lose. It's in black and white and is beautiful.
Coworker 1: That sounds good.
Coworker 3: Yeah, it's not like his other movies, like Million Dollar Baby. That movie was so depressing I went and smothered my kids whispering "You don't need to live in this world anymore".
[Editor's note: he doesn't have any kids]
Coworker 1: I didn't even finish it, it was so depressing.
Coworker 3: That movie is so depressing it makes Schindler's List look like a musical comedy.
Tara: I can't believe you just said that.
Coworker 1: Schindler's list isn't that bad once you get past the first hour and a half.
Tara: What? The holocaust?
Coworker 1: I like the holocaust. At least it's entertaining.
Tara: [sitting in a puddle of abject horror] I think you just bought your ticket to Hell.
Coworker 3: You sir just demonstrated that you have your finger on the pulse of marketing. "What? It's just the holocaust. We'll make a movie about it and it'll make millions!" That's why I'm going to go home and watch United 93 and World Trade Center back to back, eating popcorn and glorifying other people's misery.
Coworker 1: I tried to watch World Trade Center and couldn't do it because Nicolas Cage is in it.
Tara: Yeah, I try to avoid his movies.
Coworker 3: You know what's next? They're going to make software so they start showing movies about the worst times in your life. "I'm going to watch the movie about that time I got dumped." "No, wait, I'm going to watch the movie about when my dad got fired. And Nicolas Cage plays my dad yelling at me to go to my room."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

On the king of Emotown

Neil: would you like to read something truly emo?
Tara: uh... sure? who wrote it?
Neil: did i ever tell you about the writer in my class, captain mcemo pants?
Tara: I think so, but I can't remember which one he is
Neil: he's the overly dramatic, self-hating overweight gossip who reminds me in some twisted way of the guy i was (but not) in high school.
Tara: I'm not sure that sounds familiar. You may have talked about him, but I just don't remember. that's enough of a preamble to emo though
Neil: ah. well...i'm not sure how this will translate if you don't know him, but his blog is's painful, is what it is. [URL withheld to protect the innocent]
Tara: "I didn't get the girl either." ugh
Neil: i know!
Tara: that's awful
Neil: i know! it's so overwrought.
Tara: oh dear: "They may be getting better ratings now, but I doubt they remember the one-man fighting army that fought for anime in that company. I had to fight for the anime not be taken out even at the risk of my job." one-man fighting army eh?
Neil: army of one, dear. army. of. one. seriously, i think he writes the way 13-15 year old boys feel.
Tara: the entry from Sunday, September 2nd, 2007 makes me want to kill myself just to get away from it. "I'm suffering from one-titis..."
Neil: see, that makes me feel better about my essential humanity. his life is a perpetual emotional trainwreck. from "what about love": If I can keep a bit of my naivette, it's my idealistic outlook on love. It'll never happen, hell I don't even believe in marriage anymore. I only believe in the monetary benefits of it.
Tara: oh come on. okay, this might win the WTF award:

I'll only be convinced my work is good if somebody actually totally dedicated themselves as true fans or if someone buys it for great amounts of money. Other than that, I will simply deny that my work is any good. I'll believe in it, only to sell it. But deep inside I know my work sucks. It doesn't have critical acclaim, I'll just sell it. Like a whore on the streets, I'll whore it out until someone really gets it and goes for it.

from then on it's contradiction after contradiction. Tara: I feel bad for him, and yet I don't know that I can ever read his blog again
Neil: yeah. i feel bad for him, too, but he does do it to himself. and he's kind of two faced. he said some shit about the scientist that was uncool. and about me. but never to our faces. we just heard about it afterward and, well, he's got this whole inner world that's just...fascinating.
Tara: yeah. it makes me a little glad he's far away though. there are inner worlds, and then there are inner worlds where you're the King of Emotown, wading through puddles of tears and lost dreams. I still feel bad for him, but to a point
Neil: well, he does bathe in the fountain of his lost innocence. right next to the boulevard of broken dreams. that street he's on? it's got no name. and the sun never shines. winter approaches.
Tara: okay, but I don't think you referred to yourself that way anyway
Neil: the karma one. it's amazing. "what are you doing today, captain mcemo pants?" "what am i doing? me? karmic survivor? emotional holocaust victim? i am pushing forward. waging war against a mediocrity that fails to understand my genuis...and the chinese girls who refuse to date me"
Tara: FUck you Karma eh?
Neil: yes! "you just have to kill me"
Tara: his passion and will are ironclad, but are his underpants?
Neil: that is the question.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

On games I don't play

Natalie: Were you the one who told me about the "punch you in the asshole" game or was that my brother?
Mike: Uh, that was your brother. [turns to me] Tara, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not going to play that game with you.
Tara: That's fine. I don't play that game.
Mike: Natalie, you're going to have to play it yourself. You'll be there punching yourself in the asshole and then you'll wonder "why am I punching myself? I like myself"
Natalie: Is that like a donkey punch?
Mike and Tara and Ed: NO!!!
Natalie: Well what is it?
[Mike explains what it is. Wikipedia description]
Tara: I hate you guys. I can't write all of this down.
Natalie: Your blog post should be called "Donkey punch in the asshole game"

On mother nature

Jade: Did anyone else see that commercial? Why is mother nature dressed up like some sort of hoochie mama who just came off a runway?
Natalie: Because even mother nature needs the cock.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

On lying

Natalie: You're back! And what did you bring?
Neil: Chips and eggs. I participated.
Tara: Barely!
Neil: I chose the chips.
Tara: Yeah, but you chose sour cream and onion just because I said it.
Natalie: I like sour cream and onion chips.
Neil: And I knew that. [pauses] Actually I'm lying.
Natalie: You're a professional liar.
Neil: That's very true.
Tara: I suppose, because I'm in marketing, I'm a professional liar too.
Natalie: That's true!
Tara: But I make more money.
Natalie: That's because you lie for the man.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

On the unholy triumvirate

Tara: I've never seen hentai. And I'm okay with that.
Coworker 3: You don't need to.
Coworker 1: For some reason guys send that sort of thing to each other. I still haven't ever seen goatse and I don't want to.
Tara: Yeah, I'm pretty proud that I've never seen goatse, tub girl or lemon party.
Coworker 1: Lemon party is gross. I remember seeing that, closing it and then opening it again. Because you have to look twice.
Coworker 3: [eating breakfast]
Coworker 1: Lemon party will make you cringe but tub girl actually has that gag reflex factor.
Coworker 3: [doesn't look happy to be eating breakfast at that exact moment in time]
Tara: How's that breakfast working out for you?
Coworker 3: Not so great.
Tara: I don't ever want to see them but I think that if a gun were held to my head and I had to choose one to see or die, I would choose lemon party.
Coworker 3: Ugh. No.
Coworker 1: I could see that. It would be different for a chick.
Coworker 3: You know, you just need to go ahead and do it. See them all and get it all out of the way. You know what Nietzsche said. You need to stare into the abyss...
Tara: That is goatse?

Guest Entry: When you're young, in love and nerdly

Ed: Natalie! You have to watch this. This is awesome.
Natalie: what's up?
Natalie: okay
Ed: It's a review for Bioshock, and it's the way I want all my games reviewed.
Natalie: oh my god. "I wasn't aware the boiled water could form allegiances". "fuck the pope". I think I just peed.
Ed: See?!
Natalie: Ah!!!
Ed: It's brilliant and it's at a pace I can follow.
Natalie: "In the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of hitler and skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence."
Ed: Indeed.
Natalie: [heart]
Ed: You're welcome.
Natalie: thanks [equal smile]

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

On Nazis and cupcakes and not getting them

Natalie: So I was reading the other day about how there's a Neo-Nazi group here in Calgary.
Tara: Seriously?
Natalie: Yeah. They're in Kensington. Scary with fucking jackboots and neck tattoos.
Tara: But Kensington? That's our favourite neighbourhood with the best cupcakes and my tattoo guy.
Natalie: Nazis don't get cupcakes!
Tara: No. Nazis DON'T get cupcakes!