Tuesday, July 31, 2007

On the circus

Natalie: Is that a poster for the circus? Who even goes to the circus?
Tara: Families. Did something happen to you at the circus?
Natalie: No, nothing happened to me at the circus.
Tara: Did you see something awful at the circus?
Natalie: No!
Ed: Did you get pooped on by an elephant at the circus so they had to pull you out?
Tara: You really saw nothing bad at the circus?
Natalie: NO! I just think they're mean to the elephants and that bear really doesn't want to ride the little bicycle.
Tara: Did one of your aunts run away to the circus?
Natalie: No, one of my aunts ran away to Africa. A couple of people I went to highschool with ran away to become carnies though.
Tara: I would rather my aunt joined the circus than go to Africa. The circus comes to town once a year so I'd still get to see her.

Monday, July 30, 2007

On the Gilmore Girls

Tara: And I managed to get Gilmore Girls season 6 for $40 on eBay delivered. That's way cheaper than what you can get it for in the store.
Coworker 3: I could have given you ipecac syrup for free.
Tara: As much as the guys would have had you believe, I actually am a chick.
Coworker 3: Yeah, but my suggestion that it induce vomiting is based on my status as a human being.
Coworker 2: That'd be like watching Dawson's Creek.
Tara: Except if you watched that you'd have to hit yourself in the junk.
Coworker 3: To make sure it's still working.
Tara: "Yeah, I guess James Van Der Beek is a better actor than I remembered."
Coworker 2: [pantomimes punching self in the junk]

On graffiti

Mike W: I wrote graffiti.
Tara: You wrote on my car?
Mike W: No, it's from a song. "Yes indeedy, I wrote graffiti."
Tara: Doesn't saying "yes indeedy" go against the spirit of writing graffiti? That's like Ned Flanders saying he wrote graffiti.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Things said at Mike W's going away party

Chris: Anyone want some Stella [Artois]? This is terrible beer.
Ed: Way to sell it there Chris.
Chris: I mean it's delicious! Jeremy's brother said that in England it's called "wife beater".
Mike W: Do you want some Moosehead?
Ryan: That's the "wife beater" of Newfoundland.
Natalie: Although I imagine that if you have a Newfie accent, even beating your wife is quaint.


Natalie: Once, in gradeschool, in response to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I said I wanted to goal tend for the National Tonsil Hockey Association.


Chris: So when are you flying out?
Natalie: Wednesday.
Mike W: Yup.
Chris: The only difference is that you're coming back.
Natalie: That's right. But Mike, you should totally come back for the summer.
Mike W: Yeah, you can make $8000 a month on the rigs.
Chris: But you lose fingers.
Natalie: And they put you out there for 32 days so you have to make love to a hot buttered bagel.
Mike W: I can deal with getting $8000 for a finger. I'll type with stumps.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

On overreacting

Tara: So my brother just told me that some guy he went to highschool with killed 3 people.
Coworker 3: Seriously?
Tara: Rumour is he invited some dude over who was his dealer and knew that the guy worked in a gay bar but didn't know he was gay. Apparently he woke up and the guy was sucking him off and he strangled him.
Coworker 3: Wow. That's pretty intense. And seems sort of excessive. Like, why not be grateful for the free blow job?
Tara: I know.
Coworker 3: Something like that happened to one of my friends and some guy he went to highschool with. He had passed out and woke up to see the guy was working away at him. He was stressed but decided to let him finish.
Tara: That's hilarious. He was stressed about it later, but still. He let him finish and he didn't go kill anyone over it. I think you only seriously freak out about something like that if you're afraid you're gay.
Tara: You're probably right.

Monday, July 23, 2007

On barfing

Tara: Yeah, she might not get back to you on that until tomorrow because she has food poisoning. She had to stop talking to me because she had to go barf.
Coworker 3: Yeah, you know the fun part about barfing?
Tara: Nothing?
Coworker 3: That's right, there's nothing.
Tara: Except maybe the weight loss.
Coworker 3: [laughs] There is that.
Tara: You know, I threw up so much in Vancouver and didn't lose any weight at all? That's disappointing. You'd think I'd get something out of all of that effort.
Coworker 3: That's because you're not timing it right. You have to throw up after your meals. You concentrated your effort all into one block of time.
Tara: Oh right, the puke-yourself-thin model diet.
Coworker 3: The supermodel dessert. [inserts 2 fingers into throat]

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Things said at a super-secret sound poetry intromissium

Professor X: So you went to the Harry Potter launch?
Natalie: Yeah; it was hilarious. It's not often you get to see 8000 grown adults dressed up.
Professor X: Did you dress up?
Natalie: No.
Ed: She might have; you did larp.
Professor X: You larped?
Natalie: ONCE!
Professor X: I didn't know you were into full-contact trick-or-treating.
ryan: (waving his hands). Lighting bolt! Lighning Bolt!
Natalie: It wasn't that kind of larping; it was a Vampire: The Masquerade session.
Ed: What it was cool larping?
Professor X: Full. Contact. Trick-or-treating.
Natalie: I hate everyone.
Tara: Who wants gelato?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Things said at D&D on a blazingly hot Tuesday night

Editor's note: One of us was stoned from some special cookies. Take a guess at who it is.

Natalie: Can you fill my glass?
Mike: [fills and then proceeds to drink the entire contents of the newly-filled glass, while looking at us out of the corner of his eye and laughing]
Natalie: Your shitcockery knows no bounds.


Natalie: I think that Paris Hilton's vagina should be called "The Abject" and Britney Spears' should be called "The Abyss".


Natalie: Yeah, whathisface on the crazyboots was going to do it!


Natalie: [makes tiny duck out of banana bread and holds it up proudly for all to see]
Me: Now you're going to eat it, aren't you?
Natalie: [eats tiny banana bread duck]
Jade: That's murder.
Natalie: Tasty, tasty murder.


Natalie: OH! [leans over Ed to grab a nacho and a timbit, scraps the icing off the timbit with the nacho, proceeds to eat nacho with icing on it]
Jade: Are you making a sandwich with the timbit?
Natalie: No. I wanted to make an icing nacho. I could make a sandwich.
Tara: Why don't you make a fish? [has issues finding phone in a timely fashion]
Natalie: In that case it'll have dorsal fins.


Ed: What are you doing?
Natalie: I was trying to launch the die with my mouth.
Ed: You know that if you die choking to death on dice you go straight to hell.
Natalie: No you don't.
Ed: Yes. You put the die in your mouth, choke, St. Peter says "You go to hell", pokes you in the belly and you go to hell.
Natalie: Did you say "You go to hayll?"
Ed: Yes. He says it with a southern accent.


Natalie: Can you pass me the frozen bananas to snuggle?
Mike: No, I'm not giving you bananas.
Me: What about frozen vegetables?
Jade: Yeah, we have frozen peas.
Mike: I'm not giving you a bag of frozen peas.
Ed: But it's full of green pea-ness.
Natalie: [laughs so hard she snorts and flaps her hands]


Natalie: If an accordion had sex with a fence, this is what it would look like.


Natalie: You think about my bellybutton all the time, don't you?
Ed: My toes long for your bellybutton.
Natalie: NO! It's my personal bellybutton! [pause] If I was one of those little girls in Utah I'd totally have an abstinence ring for my belly button.


Me: What are you going to say tomorrow when you read all of this on my blog?
Ed: She's going to say "That's not fair, it's out of context!"
Me: Right now, your left breast is "Context".
Natalie: [looks down to consider] Okay. But is it alright if the right is called "Semiotics"? Because Marshall McLuhan needs to be involved in my boobs. He's Canadian you know.

Friday, July 13, 2007

On underpants, moleskines and Ernest Hemingway

Tara: So I'm wearing the underpants with the hearts today.
Natalie: Me too! We're underpants sisters!
[high five]
Tara: I actually bought more. I was pissed off that I couldn't buy a moleskine so I bought more underpants instead. Can you believe Chapters doesn't have moleskines?
Natalie: Really?
Tara: Yeah, and I didn't like any of the other journals they had. I like that moleskines have the band to hold them shut so it won't get wrecked in my bag.
Natalie: That is true.
Tara: Besides, if it's good enough for Hemingway, it's good enough for me. At least now we'll have more in common than the fact that we occasionally wear dresses.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

On the effects of Krispy Kreme

Coworker 5: I can't believe you're eating that donut. I can see your ass growing from here.
Coworker 4: Wanna see it closer up? [backs up in front of Coworker 4]
Coworker 5: [smacks Coworker 4 on the backside with a wrapped cheesestring]
Coworker 4: Don't break your cheese on my... Wait. That sounds really bad.
Coworker 6: Where's HR when you need them?

On bukkake


Shaynan: I can't even believe the stupidness of everything that flows around me
Ed: Like you're being bukkaked with stupid.
Shaynan: bukkaked?
Ed: You don't want to know.
Tara: That's amazing.
Ed: ...and she made me define it for her.
Tara: oh dear
Ed: Yeah. Some day I'll learn.
Tara: *sigh* When you said bukkake I pictured seppuku in my head. Google just reminded me that was not the case.
Ed: True. And I'm sorry.
Tara: That's fine. Let's just hope the little man that checks our surfing habits doesn't feel like he needs to pay me a visit

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Things said at the SNRG

Natalie: Check this out. You have to see this.
Tara: You are not attacking me with your Roomba.
Natalie: [laughs and stops steering the Roomba toward my feet]


Natalie: Do you want to see something amazing? The cats are terrified of bubbles. [proceeds to blow bubbles at the cats]
Ed: Natalie, that's not nice.
Mike W: See? This is why I call this place Auschwitz.
Natalie: I'm not even touching them with the bubbles. I thought they would play with them, but the first time they saw them George backed up like he was saying "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"
Mike W: The computer room -- Dachau.


Mike W: That's the justice of this game.
Natalie: That's the ass-cockery of this game.
Mike W: Did you just say "ass-cockery"?
Natalie: It's a little known fact that when you get your Masters' you can make up words.


Mike W: This is excellent watermelon.
Natalie: I can choose perfect watermelon. That's my superpower.


Natalie: I wish I could just show my armpits and a bridge would appear.


Natalie: Did you fart?
Mike W: No, you did.
Natalie: Great. Now you smell like spearmint leaves, chips, quiche and poop.


Natalie: I hope Bowser dies in a fire. Being stung by bees. After he's had cancer for a while. Like 2 months of chemo.

On yawning

Coworker 5: [yawns like a donkey]
Coworker 2 and Tara: [laughing]
Coworker 2: Often imitated, never replicated.
Tara: That's right. Every yawn is different, like a snowflake.
Coworker 5: Do you want me to record it? I could make it a ringtone

On "The Toronto Mattress" (guest entry from Ed)

Natasha: Aaaanyway, I've got to run a few errands, so I'm going to head off. Bye for now!


Ed: Back?
Natasha: Not for long, probably. Heading out to my sister's place in a few minutes as soon as I confirm she's at home.
Ed: Nice. Is that a good thing?
Natasha: Yes? This is the good sister, not the klepto whore sister.
Ed: Can I quote you on that?Pleasepleaseplease?
Natasha: laughs Go ahead
Ed: A friend of mine has a conversations blog. This is gold.
Natasha: Well, it's true... In the same summer she stole my other sister's money, tried to steal my bike, and my mother referred to her as the Toronto Mattress.
me: Wow. How much of that can I tell Tara to publish?
Natasha: Well, unless she decides to google the words "Toronto Mattress" I don't think she's going to find it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Things said at D&D

Mike: Sorry Ed, but I'm going to have to erase these boobs now.
Ed: That's okay. I'm sure there'll be more at some point.
Mike: Hardly a game goes by where I'm not drawing breasts on something. I know there's some breast fans in the room.


Mike: I was talking to my friend the other day and said "You know what I like about titties? They make me think of titties!" And she said "I like the word titties too!" And I said "Of course you do!"

Things said at a stampede wedding

On the ferris wheel

Tara: So this is the closest I've ever been to being on a ride.
Natalie: Seriously?
Tara: I was the kid who threw up in the van on the way to the amusement park.


Over some disgustingly white-sugary lemonade

Tara: And I found out the bras I was using were too small.
Ed: Yes, but that's because you've been working out. Those are weapons.
Tara: Boob of death!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

On Nigella Lawson

Tara: So I was watching Jamie Oliver this morning and I think I might be a little bit in love with him. Even his lisp is adorable.
Natalie: I know!
Tara: And then I was listening to Nigella Lawson from the other room and decided there are 2 jobs that she would be perfect for.
Natalie: Okay.
Tara: The first one is that she should read children's books.
Natalie: Yes, she would be great at that.
Tara: And the other is that she should be a dominatrix.
Natalie: YES. SHE SHOULD TOTALLY BE A DOMINATRIX. The voice, she's not too thin, and her boobs in a bustier! You are so right.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Heard at the stampede breakfast

Coworker: And then when I'm done eating I'm going to kill myself from listening to this music.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

On Tori Spelling

Mike: And then the ghost flies right through you. Roll a saving throw for me.
Natalie: Michael Davy, I'm going to draw exactly what I think of you right now.
[Natalie draws, then shows Mike the picture]
Mike: What the hell is that?
Natalie: Those are veins.
Mike: Have you even seen a penis? It looks like a canoe! Give it to me. I'm going to draw.
[proceeds to add to the picture producing the following]

Mike: And this is what it would look like if I drew Tori Spelling's breasts.

On slips of the tongue

Coworker: The more laid back he gets, the more of a necrophiliac he is.
Everyone else: WHOA! [general uproar]
Coworker: No, wait, what's the word?
Tara: Narcolepsy?
Coworker: Yeah, that's it. What's the difference? Both involve lying down.

On Tom Cruise

TV Anchor 1: And happy birthday to Tom Cruise, who is 45 today.
TV Anchor 2: Tom Cruise is only 45? He looks much older now that he's a scientologist.
Tara: That is amaaaaaaaazing.