On the body

Coworker 3: My body is like a convenience store. It's cheap, instant gratification.
Tara: I need to blog that shit right now.

On weddings

Natalee: It's happening. We're getting married in 11 days.
Chris: You know, we had a western wedding too.
Natalee: What size was your white dress?

On the von Karmas

Natalie: Manfred Von Karma is a fucker and I want him to die. Preferably while on fire

Tara: LOL

Natalie: and being stung by bees

Tara: he's not a good man, but when you're starting to break him it's awesome

Natalie: not there yet

Tara: his daughter is the one with the whip in the sequel

Natalie: really!

Tara: yes. she makes me angrier than he does. I'd love for her to get shot off into space only to get massacred by aliens. she'd try to whip them. they'd eat her whipping arm

Natalie: wow, really? ha! "why do you have a whip??" "for whipping."

Tara: exactly

On scooters

Ed: My friend Kimli is awesome. She dropped her last scooter (named Sally) and ended up selling it to a friend of hers. She bought a replacement this past weekend and it's less feminine. She's named it Oscar the Lady Tickler.
Tara: That's amazing.

On my cousin

Coworker 3: So how was your vacation?
Tara: Pretty good. Really busy. The only bad thing was that my grandma was taken into the hospital. Turns out she just needs to go into a nursing home, but it’ll be fine. My mom says she’ll happily stay anywhere they feed her.
Coworker 3: That’s pretty funny.
Tara: One day while I was visiting her they came to ask her what she wanted for dinner and she ordered the same thing she had for lunch. One of my aunts was there and she started to get all distressed about it so I told her to stop worrying because Grandma doesn’t remember what she had for lunch and it’s healthy so who cares?
Coworker 3: That’s very funny.
Tara: It was a good vacation but it wasn’t relaxing at all so when I go to the UK this summer I’m going to do nothing but lay in my friend’s backyard for 2 days. Maybe I’ll read a book.
Coworker 3: That sounds perfect. Get a tan from the smog.
Tara: What sort of tan do you get from pollution?
Coworker 3: Misty.
Tara: Awesome. I’ll look mysterious.
Coworker 3: [laughing] That’s right. But it’s Misty with an “I” and a heart over the “I”, like a stripper.
Tara: I would make the worst stripper.
Coworker 3: Nah, you could do it. You’d just have to stop sleeping and have a stain over your tooth.
Tara: And stop eating. Hey, did I ever tell you I have a cousin who was a stripper?
Coworker 3: Seriously?
Tara: The highlight of Christmas not this past year but the year before was going over to my aunt’s and having my cousin show me her dominion. She had moved back in to her mom’s house and had a room in the basement. She was 37, a high-school dropout former stripper.
Coworker 3: I thought you were going to say she did a pole-dance on the Christmas tree.
Tara: No, but that would be amazing. You want to know the best part?
Coworker 3: What’s that?
Tara: She’s my father’s godchild.
Coworker 3: Wow. I don’t even know what to say to that.
Tara: I know.

On the Queen

Tara: Why are there so many pictures of the Queen in this house?
Dad: Because I think she's a magnificent lady.
Tara: Fair enough.

On my grandmother

Mom: That was Uncle Richard on the phone.
Tara: Oh yeah?
Mom: Grandma was just taken to the hospital. She can't walk.
Tara: Seriously?
Mom: Yes. I'm going, do you want to go? I don't want her to be alone for hours and no one else can go.
Tara: Sure. When are we leaving?
Mom: Now.

...

Tara: Hi Grandma!
Grandma: Oh! I wasn't expecting to see you! When did you get here?
Tara: This morning.
Mom: Yup. So she's a tired girl.
Tara: But I'm happy to see you. How are you?
Grandma: I'm okay. I'm just so damned hungry.


...

Tara: Hi there. My grandmother is here and she's very hungry and she's diabetic.
Nurse: Yes, we know she's diabetic, but the doctor needs to see her before she can eat. She's the next one he's seeing. We tested her sugar and it was okay. It was 7.9.
Tara: Okay thanks.

...

Tara: Grandma, I just talked to the nurse and she said you can't eat yet because you have to see the doctor first.
Grandma: But I'm so hungry.
Tara: It shouldn't be too long. You're the next one he's seeing.

...

Nurse: The doctor's not here yet, so I brought you some lunch.
Grandma: Oh good!

...

Tara: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Mom: I think I would want to fly.
Tara: Nice. I would want to control luck.
Grandma: What are you talking about?
Tara: Grandma, if you could have any superpower, what would you choose?
Grandma: What?
Mom: Superpower. Like flying or walking through walls or being invisible.
Tara: Or shapeshifting. That's always a good one.
Grandma: I think that's a trick question.

...

Doctor: There's nothing correctable that's wrong with her. She needs to move. I'll get her assessed so an occupational therapist can start working with her.
Mom: Okay great. Is there a way to get her back to the retirement home?
Doctor: I'll arrange patient transport for her.

...

Nurse: The ambulance should be here shortly, but I've ordered a dinner tray for her just in case.

...

Nurse: I know it's been a while but it will be another hour and a half before they can take her.
Tara: Mom, we haven't eaten in 7 hours or so and I flew all night.
Mom: We can go. Uncle Richard will be here soon to spend time with her.

On tinkling

Former classmate: Are you seeing anyone right now?
Tara: No, not right now. I'm just taking it easy and having a good time.
Former classmate: That's good.
Tara: Yeah, it's been nice. I'm doing a lot of travelling right now. Went to Vancouver last weekend, Ontario this weekend, and then I'm going to the UK in August.
Former classmate: That is exciting. Is this your first time to the UK?
Tara: It is. I'm so very, very excited about it. I've wanted to go for so long and now I can finally afford it.
Former classmate: I can imagine that this has been one of your dreams....makes me think of the u.
Tara: I know.
Former classmate: And English lit.
Tara: I'm supposed to see the Bronte house. I might just walk in the front door and pee a little from excitement.
Former classmate: Do a little tinkle for me too.
Tara: lol. I'll do my best.

On buffets

Coworker 3: I used to be into Chinese girls but then I went to China.
Coworker 1: See? I won't even date them [note: this particular coworker is Chinese].
Tara: What was it about going to China?
Coworker 3: It was like going to a seafood buffet where... You know what? I'm not even going to finish that analogy.
[laughing all around]
Coworker 3: Sometimes I have the foresight to know when to back out.

Next to that conversation...
Coworker 2: Coworker 4, wake up!
Tara: Was he sleeping?
Coworker 5: Oh probably. He was laying down. Probably had some bad shrimp at the buffet.
Coworker 3: Yeah, I know what that's like.

Not that kind of princess, part 3

Coworker 1: Hey Coworker 3, don't you think Tara looks like Princess Leia?
Tara: Oh for goodness sake.
Coworker 3: Yeah, you just need a gold bikini.
Tara: I left it at home.

On Aspirations

Context
Random Coworker sends Tara news article about Prince Harry with a Cowboys barmaid that includes the following: The visit from the third in line to the throne has already proved a financial boon to the woman voted third-hottest bartender in Canada. Cherie Cymbalisty reportedly sold the story of her naughty night with the prince for over $30,000 and plans to pursue her dream of being a model for Playboy.

Tara: What does it mean when you aspire to be a Playboy model?
Random Coworker: Oh – I know... On the up side... she has aspirations. Yay!

Not that kind of princess, part 2

Coworker 2: I can't believe Coworker 1 asked you to take off your glasses just to say you should dress up as Princess Leia. I had no idea where he was going when he asked you that.
Tara: I know. I was surprised because I was thinking that I was just wearing contacts last week.
Coworker 1: [arrives] You guys are still talking about that?
Coworker 2: I was just saying I couldn't believe you got her to take her glasses off for that. You're such a geek!
Coworker 1: But you do look like that! You need to do your hair like that.
Tara: No. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.
Coworker 2: Wouldn't you dress up as that even for Halloween?
Tara: No. I'm a geek, but not that much of a geek.

Not that kind of princess

Coworker 1: What do you look like without your glasses on?
Tara: [takes off glasses, thinking that I was just wearing contacts last week so he really should know already]
Coworker 1: I knew it! You could totally look like Princess Leia!
Tara: [puts glasses back on immediately]
Coworker 2: Oh my god you're right! [laughing]
Tara: No. I will never dress like Princess Leia. I'm not that much of a geek.
Coworker 1: But you could!

On baldness

Tara: If you start to lose your hair, will you shave your head?
Neil: Not going to happen.
Tara: How do you know?
Neil: Not going to happen.
Tara: What do you mean?
Neil: I made a deal.
Tara: With who?
Neil: I made a deal. Possibly with the devil. Not going to happen.
Tara: Is there hair loss on your mom's side of the family?
Neil: Doesn't matter. Not going to happen. It's my one true friend.
Tara: I think you have at least a couple of those.
Neil: I do. I do have true friends, but this one [pats hair] is awesome.
Tara: I think I need to put this in my blog.
Neil: You go right ahead. The great thing about Facebook is that I've been seeing all of these people I went to highschool with and they're married with kids and a career but they're going bald. I'm not married, I don't have a kid, my career is just starting and I'm still in school, but I've got hair and I'm not losing it because I have a deal. A kid you can get later, but there's no refund on hair.
Tara: I'm posting this now.
Neil: Fair enough.

On morning vs. mourning

Random Vancouver Guy 1 (RVG 1): Hey, do you have a pen I could borrow?
Tara: Sure. [hands pen over]
Random Vancouver Guy 2 (RVG 2): [says something barely intelligible, but points at my shirt, which says "I'M A NOUN!"]
Tara: I love this shirt
RVG 1: [looks at shirt] heh. cool. oh, now I need to find some paper
Tara: [hands paper over]
RVG 2: [more barely intelligible speaking, appears to be talking about language]
Tara: [watches RVG 1 struggle to write his own number because he has terrible penmanship and ash keeps dropping from his cigarette on the paper]
RVG 2: I don't even say "good morning" anymore because what's so good about it?
Tara: Well, I think the idea is that you're wishing the person to have a good morning.
RVG 1: Yeah, I think you're right!
RVG 2: But when I think of morning I think of the daily loss... of freedom?
Tara: I think you mean "mourning"

On D and D

Random Coworker: are you the only girl in the group? it doesn't count if all the dudes play female characters
Tara: nope. there are 3 of us
Tara: possibly the most girls ever at a D and D table
Random Coworker: that is an AWESOME D and D group

On "Knocked Up"

Coworker 1: So how was your weekend?
Tara: Not bad. Pretty low-key. I saw "Knocked Up" this weekend.
Coworker 1: You got knocked up this weekend?!
Tara: No.