On Champix side effects

Tara: so what are the side effects you're having?
Neil: well, i am very tired and prone to feeling weak.
in the morning i often feel nauseous to the point of wondering if i'm going to throw up.
i have very vivid dreams and my sleep isn't very restful.
i may be pregnant.
you got me pregnant.
look what you did!

On soap

Coworker 2: Did you just take a shower?
Coworker 3: Yeah. Because I just rode the bike and I didn't want to smell like bike.
Tara: We appreciate that you don't want to smell like bike either.
Coworker 3: Especially since bike smells like old feet.
Tara: So you would smell like old feet.
Coworker 3: Right. When I could smell like something delicious like peppermint.
Tara: There are many better things to smell like than old feet.
Coworker 3: Check out this bottle. The label looks like it was written by a schizophrenic shaman.
Tara: [Laughs until she thinks she may no longer breathe and nearly chokes on the apple she was chewing]

On hen's teeth

Ed: sigh
Tara: ?
Ed: I described something as being like hen's teeth in chat.
Tara: okay
Ed: They'd never heard of it. I said it means rare or impossible to find.
Tara: oh dear
Ed: Then said it was my fault, I forgot they didn't speak old.
Tara: I know what it is and so does my brother Matthew
Ed: Thank you. I appreciate the gesture. (:
Tara: it's true though. matthew used it in his msn name recently. something about how jobs in amherstburg are about as common as hen's teeth
Ed: Sounds about right.
Tara: luckily he got a job at subway
Ed: (:

2 hours pass...

Ed: and at that point even I noticed I was rambling.
Tara: you're not. this is very goode. good even
Ed: (:
Tara: I was feeling olde-timey ;)
Ed: It's all good, olde-timey people are like hen's teeth. You were saying. (:
Tara: I actually laughed out loud

On therapy

Tara: Hey dude, how's it going?
Natalie: Great. My therapist is awesome. Like a grandma.
Neil: Really?
Natalie: Yeah, but in a "my grandma can kick your grandma's ass kind of way".
Tara: That's the greatest thing I've heard all week.

On Portal

Neil: You know, being drunk makes me think about portals.
Tara: I need to go blog that right now.

On quotation marks

Coworker 3: Someone sent me some changes for the newsletter and one of them is...:

They by far and away prefer debit cards to any type of credit or consumer charge cards.

and she is wondering if there should be quotes or something around "far and away"
Tara: NO
Coworker 3: which, seems very very wrong
Tara: fuck. absolutely not
Coworker 3: okay that's what i thought
Tara: I'm so tired of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: i wouldn't call them "superfluous"
Tara: I should get a t-shirt made that says: I'm so "tired" of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: lol. for sure. and i'll say, hey tara i really "like" your tshirt. air quotes will be added
Tara: are you sure you don't "really" like it?
Coworker 3: i'm going to steal it, so i'll say: i really like "your" shirt
Tara: I love it. I mean, I "love" it.

On sex offenders

Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: A sign of the apocalypse. The 18 sexiest female teacher sex offenders. (http://www.coedmagazine.com/news/6069)
Tara: Oh god.
Coworker 3: I know. I mean, what would a list of the 18 sexiest male sex offenders look like?