Things said at D&D

Mike: Sorry Ed, but I'm going to have to erase these boobs now.
Ed: That's okay. I'm sure there'll be more at some point.
Mike: Hardly a game goes by where I'm not drawing breasts on something. I know there's some breast fans in the room.

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Mike: I was talking to my friend the other day and said "You know what I like about titties? They make me think of titties!" And she said "I like the word titties too!" And I said "Of course you do!"

Things said at a stampede wedding

On the ferris wheel

Tara: So this is the closest I've ever been to being on a ride.
Natalie: Seriously?
Tara: I was the kid who threw up in the van on the way to the amusement park.

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Over some disgustingly white-sugary lemonade

Tara: And I found out the bras I was using were too small.
Ed: Yes, but that's because you've been working out. Those are weapons.
Tara: Boob of death!

On Nigella Lawson

Tara: So I was watching Jamie Oliver this morning and I think I might be a little bit in love with him. Even his lisp is adorable.
Natalie: I know!
Tara: And then I was listening to Nigella Lawson from the other room and decided there are 2 jobs that she would be perfect for.
Natalie: Okay.
Tara: The first one is that she should read children's books.
Natalie: Yes, she would be great at that.
Tara: And the other is that she should be a dominatrix.
Natalie: YES. SHE SHOULD TOTALLY BE A DOMINATRIX. The voice, she's not too thin, and her boobs in a bustier! You are so right.

Heard at the stampede breakfast

Coworker: And then when I'm done eating I'm going to kill myself from listening to this music.

On Tori Spelling

Mike: And then the ghost flies right through you. Roll a saving throw for me.
Natalie: Michael Davy, I'm going to draw exactly what I think of you right now.
[Natalie draws, then shows Mike the picture]
Mike: What the hell is that?
Natalie: Those are veins.
Mike: Have you even seen a penis? It looks like a canoe! Give it to me. I'm going to draw.
[proceeds to add to the picture producing the following]

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Mike: And this is what it would look like if I drew Tori Spelling's breasts.

On slips of the tongue

Coworker: The more laid back he gets, the more of a necrophiliac he is.
Everyone else: WHOA! [general uproar]
Coworker: No, wait, what's the word?
Tara: Narcolepsy?
Coworker: Yeah, that's it. What's the difference? Both involve lying down.

On Tom Cruise

TV Anchor 1: And happy birthday to Tom Cruise, who is 45 today.
TV Anchor 2: Tom Cruise is only 45? He looks much older now that he's a scientologist.
Tara: That is amaaaaaaaazing.