NAZIS DON'T GET CUPCAKES

New blog--for realsies

2010-01-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

So I did the tumblr thing for a little while and rapidly figured out that I wanted a blog, not necessarily tumblr.

Checkout the new blog at www.versusboredom.com. It's me fighting boredom with a lot of books, movies, tv shows, and games, and writing all about it. Also, because I can rarely peel myself away from my RSS reader, I'll be sharing things I think are interesting.

New blog

2010-01-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

Does anyone even check here anymore?

If so, and for all of you who ended up here because you're looking for photos of Nigella's boobs (you know who you are), I have a new blog that has even less to do with those boobs than this one did.

Check me out at taramdscott.tumblr.com. I'll be sharing my thoughts on movies, books, music and tv shows, but not necessarily new releases. I'll also be posting stories from other sites that I like or think are important.

No gushy feelings on that blog. No personal stories for the forseeable future.

This blog was fun but people stopped saying random, insane things around me. Or I stopped thinking they're random or insane. Either way, you know where to find me now.

On Champix side effects

2008-05-28T08:32:00.001-07:00

Tara: so what are the side effects you're having?
Neil: well, i am very tired and prone to feeling weak.
in the morning i often feel nauseous to the point of wondering if i'm going to throw up.
i have very vivid dreams and my sleep isn't very restful.
i may be pregnant.
you got me pregnant.
look what you did!

On soap

2008-05-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

Coworker 2: Did you just take a shower?
Coworker 3: Yeah. Because I just rode the bike and I didn't want to smell like bike.
Tara: We appreciate that you don't want to smell like bike either.
Coworker 3: Especially since bike smells like old feet.
Tara: So you would smell like old feet.
Coworker 3: Right. When I could smell like something delicious like peppermint.
Tara: There are many better things to smell like than old feet.
Coworker 3: Check out this bottle. The label looks like it was written by a schizophrenic shaman.
Tara: [Laughs until she thinks she may no longer breathe and nearly chokes on the apple she was chewing]

On hen's teeth

2008-05-15T15:45:00.001-07:00

Ed: sigh
Tara: ?
Ed: I described something as being like hen's teeth in chat.
Tara: okay
Ed: They'd never heard of it. I said it means rare or impossible to find.
Tara: oh dear
Ed: Then said it was my fault, I forgot they didn't speak old.
Tara: I know what it is and so does my brother Matthew
Ed: Thank you. I appreciate the gesture. (:
Tara: it's true though. matthew used it in his msn name recently. something about how jobs in amherstburg are about as common as hen's teeth
Ed: Sounds about right.
Tara: luckily he got a job at subway
Ed: (:

2 hours pass...

Ed: and at that point even I noticed I was rambling.
Tara: you're not. this is very goode. good even
Ed: (:
Tara: I was feeling olde-timey ;)
Ed: It's all good, olde-timey people are like hen's teeth. You were saying. (:
Tara: I actually laughed out loud

On therapy

2008-05-15T09:24:00.001-07:00

Tara: Hey dude, how's it going?
Natalie: Great. My therapist is awesome. Like a grandma.
Neil: Really?
Natalie: Yeah, but in a "my grandma can kick your grandma's ass kind of way".
Tara: That's the greatest thing I've heard all week.

On Portal

2008-04-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

Neil: You know, being drunk makes me think about portals.
Tara: I need to go blog that right now.

On quotation marks

2008-04-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

Coworker 3: Someone sent me some changes for the newsletter and one of them is...:

They by far and away prefer debit cards to any type of credit or consumer charge cards.

and she is wondering if there should be quotes or something around "far and away"
Tara: NO
Coworker 3: which, seems very very wrong
Tara: fuck. absolutely not
Coworker 3: okay that's what i thought
Tara: I'm so tired of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: i wouldn't call them "superfluous"
Tara: I should get a t-shirt made that says: I'm so "tired" of superfluous quotation marks
Coworker 3: lol. for sure. and i'll say, hey tara i really "like" your tshirt. air quotes will be added
Tara: are you sure you don't "really" like it?
Coworker 3: i'm going to steal it, so i'll say: i really like "your" shirt
Tara: I love it. I mean, I "love" it.

On sex offenders

2008-02-27T10:29:00.000-08:00

Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: A sign of the apocalypse. The 18 sexiest female teacher sex offenders. (http://www.coedmagazine.com/news/6069)
Tara: Oh god.
Coworker 3: I know. I mean, what would a list of the 18 sexiest male sex offenders look like?

On countries I've never heard of

2008-02-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

Tara: I've never heard of some of these countries
Random Coworker: neither had I.
Tara: Vanuatu?
Random Coworker: I have actually heard of that
Tara: that sounds like it's from a sci-fi
Random Coworker: like a weird planet somewhere
Tara: Wallis and Futuna... they're the uncle and aunt you never want to see
Random Coworker: that Kirk took advantage of the women of...
Random Coworker: I meant Vanuatu... not the aunt and uncle cause that's just creepy
Tara: LOL. he was arrested for that once
Random Coworker: and family dinners have never been the same....

On Michael Flatley

2008-02-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Tara: okay, that video of your baby dancing is awesome
Marq: glad you liked it. I can literally play any music and he dances the same way
even to the weather channel
Tara: that's awesome!
Marq: yeah, he's gonna grow up to be a Micheal Flatley
Tara: but less gay?
Marq: he's not gay, he just plays gay on stage. kinda like that guy from Will and Grace
Tara: right. but either way he's fabulous?
Marq: FAB-U-LOUS! snap snap
Tara: holy crap he's from detroit
Marq: oh yeah, he's neither Irish nor Gay
Tara: and is married to a woman whose name I can't pronounce
Marq: It's pronounced Gold-Digger
Tara: LOL. well, his parents are from ireland. and he has a flute solo album
Marq: hehe
Tara: plays a flute...
Marq: teehee. Not GAY!
Tara: at all!
Marq: nope. all man
Tara: RAWR!
Marq: Just dances in spangly tights and plays the flute
Tara: that's right
Marq: ...also while wearing tights. or not. probably not
Tara: this is making me giggle

On DDR for mobiles

2008-02-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

Tara: HOLY CRAP I CAN GET DDR ON MY CRACKBERRY

Ed: ?!?

Tara: I know! I might have to get that!

Ed: Do you need really tiny feet for it? (;

Guest entry: on cookies and Churchill

2008-02-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

Ed: need.......nap.....can't....finish....cookie...
Natalie: heh.
it's defeating you?
Ed: It will not! I have not yet begun to fight! Nevah Surrendah! (munch munch)
Natalie: oh dear

On the Superbowl, for Ed

2008-02-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

Tara: http://www.nfl.com/superbowl/story?id=09000d5d8067ea8a&template=with-video&confirm=true

Ed: Nice.

Tara: I like that article

Ed: It's a wonderful diversion from the ceaseless New England coverage.

Tara: nfl.com sure has a lot about the giants and manning. it's like the sports coverage world turned its head making that popping sound as the patriots' collective cock came out if its mouth and went "hey, wait a minute, some other guy won!"

On names and perception

2008-01-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

Tara: What's your middle name?
Random coworker: John Edward. When I was growing up I had a neighbour named Edward who I thought I was named after. Of course, that was also when I thought cats were girls and boys were dogs.

On douchebags

2008-01-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

Tara: Okay, so check this out. I clicked on this google ads link in my email for "Yoga Army" dresses, and this is what I found.
Coworker 3: Wow. I like that army.
Tara: So they're apparently boob dresses. Holy crap, that one is $250.
Coworker 3: I'll pay. Hey, the google ad in my gmail says "Spanish driver sues dead crash cyclist for damage"
Tara: How do you sue a dead person?
Coworker 3: Says a businessman is suing the family for 20,000 euros for the damage the body's impact made to the car.
Tara: I'd like to change the headline to "You know how I know you're a douchebag?"

On "Teeth"

2008-01-25T14:33:00.000-08:00

Coworker 3: So how is Cloverfield rating?
Tara: In the 70s. You know what's getting a higher rating?
Coworker 3: What?
Tara: Teeth.
Coworker 3: What's that?
Tara: Here's the trailer.
Coworker 3: Oh my god. I've had nightmares about that.
Tara: Seriously? Like for reals?
Coworker 3: It's not an uncommon dream for young guys to have. I saw a vagina with teeth in it when I was a kid and it scared the shit out of me.
Tara: Speaking as a woman, that would scare the shit out of me too.
Coworker 3: Yeah, no doubt. You'd have to get flesh dentures.
Tara: I'd probably get surgery.
Coworker 3: And I'd probably have 2 toothbrushes. You don't want to mix that.

Guest entry: on names

2008-01-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

Neil: Hey.
Brown: Hey.
Neil: Are you ever scared that someone will make a supremely popular song that prominently features your name in the title and/or chorus.
Brown: Why would that scare me?
Neil: Well, it would kind of change your life.
Brown: How?
Neil: Depends on the song. Depends on the singer. But, I mean, that's one of the first things people would say when they meet you. People are always trying to say smart things when they first meet someone.
Brown: Right. Example?
Neil: Example? Sure. Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah.
Neil: Tommy can you hear me?
Tommy: Fuck off.
Brown: Ah, I see.
Neil: So?
Brown: Yeah, I'm not that worried. Are you?
Neil: Not really. I just don't like the idea that something as external and obnoxious as a pop song could change the shape of my life.
Tommy: It's more like it changes the smell of your life.

On currencies and wardrobes

2008-01-15T15:58:00.001-08:00

Ed: I found you a copy of Puzzle Quest on Ebay. Not bad and it ends in an hour. $12 for shipping though.
Tara: I can't bid in an hour, so I'm thinking $15 max
my bid pushed it to $11.50
Ed: Nice little end to the day, either way.
Tara: with a game that hates me personally? :)
Ed: Oh, it will. Easily the most frustrating DS game I've ever played.
Tara: poor neil
Ed: When you get this game? This game should come with a warning for people willing to farm in caves. (:
Tara: the good news, and this will always be true, is that at least I'll have boobs
Ed: And yet I have yet to see you ever use them as currency to get by in any situation.
Tara: I'm saving them for a special occasion
Ed: A wonderful hole card, to be sure, but still. Wait, that's not true!
I remember you bringing just the faintest hint of cleavage to the Catan tournament at that board-game festival.
Tara: :) clearly didn't work, but I tried
Ed: I think it had to do with your level of cleavage commitment.
Tara: true, but the chud there weren't worth a nipple display. also, I don't have many particularly busty shirts
Ed: Not that I've seen. Your wardrobe does tend more toward Victorian than Produce Display.
Tara: victorian?
Ed: Covered up to the neck.
Tara: maybe victorian tomboy
Ed: Victorian only in coverage, not in constriction.

On Tom Cruise

2008-01-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

Marq: have you looked at wwtdd lately? I am fully charged!
Tara: not today, why?
Marq: Tom Cruise is Crazy as Hell
Tara: lemme look
while I wait for the video to load, let me just say... the photo of the dude with a dollhouse for a hat? genius
Marq: yeah, the whole Britney thing is so far past being surreal at this point
Tara: okay, I'm going to watch the video now. if you don't hear back, assume it's because the craziness killed me
Marq: sweetzombiejesus, he comes across as if he's doing a parody of himself. Dramatic music, doubletalk... then the announcer/voice over. it reminds me of Starship Troopers
Tara: did he just say "criminon"?!?!
Marq: its like he's reciting Green Eggs and Ham, but with gravitas. utter gibberish
Tara: you see things the way they are in all its glory? so you and I are missing out on seeing the way things are? and he wants to romp and play? that seems like an odd confession
Marq: that's what I mean.... gibberish
Tara: he's almost crying saying "I know, and when you know..." at least he knows he has to do something. I think I have to stop watching this. I've hit my crazy limit
Mark: skip to the end, the voice over closing is the best part
Tara: that's FUCKING CRAZY. he's turned over a billion people into scientologists? there's no way that's true
Marq: one time, when my brother was drunk; he claimed to have invented Pineapple Juice
Tara: and it's his responsibility to share pineapple juice because NO ONE ELSE CAN
Marq: beyond bizarre.
It seriously looks like a Tom Cruise impersonator who's trying to embarrass him. does he really think anyone is going to take him seriously?
Tara: apparently over a billion people do
Marq: pineapple juice
Tara: word

On fashion

2008-01-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

Coworker 3: i think your sexual orientation should be soley defined on your appearance in past decades
Tara: that would be hilarious
Coworker 3:if that was the case, my dad would have about 10 wives right now. he was like, magnum PI in the 70s and 80s
Tara: wow. he'd be a total pimp
Coworker 3: yeah, my step-dad on the other hand...would have been the first amish drag queen. he had the wrap around beard and the gayest clothes you have ever seen
Tara: that might be the funniest thing I've ever read. so you still judge him?
Coworker 3: um. short shorts, fanny pack, tucked in hawaiian shirt, 80s sunglasses, beard
Tara: okay, I judge him now
Coworker 3: if i don't judge him, history will. i wish i could get you the photo
Tara: that would be incredible
Coworker 3: even if i could, i'm not sure i would... that would cause emotional trauma equivalent to waterboarding for both him and those who see the photo. i want people to feel good about being alive
Tara: oh how I've missed you
Coworker 3: lol likewise

On the muffcake

2007-12-30T19:15:00.001-08:00

Mike W: So I made you a cupcake.
Tara: That's so sweet!
Mike W: Actually, it's sort of like a muffin crossed with a cupcake, so it's a muffcake.

Merry Christmas to all...

2007-12-25T22:20:00.000-08:00

Zeke: i was pretty surprised to see you were being inked out there. never figured you for a body mod
Tara: I didn't either, but it all started to click almost 2 years ago. I think I'm done though. 3 is enough. did I show you any of them before?
Zeke: not one. i was kinda surprised
Tara: hmm. that's funny. at this point I'm not sure who has and who hasn't seen them
Zeke: i have a friend who can say that about her breasts
Tara: LOL
Zeke: i am on the "seen 'em" list, unfortunately. they're nice and all, don't get me wrong....but it kinda warps the dynamic afterward

On kittens

2007-12-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Neil: So I have "The Proposition" to watch.
Tara: You're not saying we should watch it, are you?
Neil: No, for me to watch.
Natalie: I, personally, couldn't do it. There were 3 scenes that were unwatchable.
Tara: When Natalie left the first time I stayed, and she came back for a while, but there was this one point when we both realized there was a rapin' about to happen, so we were both done. I think we both actually put up our hand and said something like "I'm done!" and went to the office and looked at pictures of kittens for an hour.
Ryan: Kittens: the anti-rape!

On pain

2007-12-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

Tara: The thing that scares me is that the more things that get fixed, the more work I have to do.
Coworker 1: Yeah, but at least your stuff is getting fixed.
Tara: Right, but if the translations weren't messed up and the CMS broken, I could have been done a lot of this a couple of weeks ago.
Coworker 2: That's true. His stuff takes months to get fixed so it's long and painful, but your stuff is short and very painful.
Tara: So it's like a choice between childbirth and cancer.
[manic laughter born of stress and rapidly-approaching deadlines laughing all around]
Coworker 2: True!
Coworker 1: I think I'd take childbirth.
Coworker 3: I think I'd take cancer.
Coworker 2: Be careful what you wish for.
Tara: That's right. You could get cancer and a baby.
Coworker 2: Or. No. Wait. I can't do it.
Tara: What? He could get a baby with cancer?
Coworker 2: We were all thinking it.
Coworker 3: Hey, babies are born bald anyway.

On the Merry Widow House pact

2007-12-04T10:38:00.000-08:00

Tara: Wonder bread is very soft, but over time, especially when compounded with bologna, might kill people
Natalie: i have never completely understood bologna. it kind of...frightens me. not as much as the bologna with macaroni in it, though. that's just flat out terrifying
Tara: okay, that's disgusting. I used to eat bologna when I was in highschool, but that was also when I ate burgers for breakfast
Natalie: wow
Tara: now? not so much
Natalie: wasn't there also a time you lived on those little chocolate bites?
Tara: yes. hershey, reese's and skor bits. and coca-cola
Natalie: amazing what you can do to your body =)
Tara: I'm surprised it still works
Natalie: well, you're making up for it
Tara: I'm trying. if I'm going to live to be 100, I'd at least like to do it with a strong body
Natalie: heh. agreed. I think we should make a pact =)
Tara: organic food and a home gym in the widow house? or just that we'll have a widow house, since we'll both live forever?
Natalie: I was thinking the Merry Widow House pact, yes, but organic food and home gym sounds fabulous
Tara: it absolutely needs to be called the merry widow house pact
Natalie: we can each have an office that lets a lot of light in
Tara: and you'll have a couple of cats and I'll have a french bulldog named petunia, and they'll all play nice
Natalie: they will. they'll all be the same size =)
Tara: or we get a lab, and the cats can ride it
Natalie: hee. that would work too. we'll take all of them for walks together, the cats on the dog
Tara: it'll be beautiful. the way cats and dogs were meant to be together
Natalie: as horse and rider?
Tara: I'm not sure. I didn't work it out that far yet in my head
Natalie: just the peacefulness =)

Guest entry: On promotions

2007-12-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

Shaynan: I'm scared
Ed: ?
Shaynan: Spirit airlines is having a MILF sale. I'm not kidding. "many islands, low fares"
Ed: That. is. awesome.
Shaynan: how does no one in their marketing department know what MILF means?
Ed: Cougars, half off!
Shaynan: "Now is the perfect time to book that trip to paradise. Spirit is offering great, low fares to many exotic destinations at incredibly low fares". that is actual copy from their promo email
Ed: Can you forward that to me?...and can I publish part of this conversation?
Shaynan: absolutely. "from $9 each way". does that mean anal is included?
Ed: I....wow.

On photo shoots

2007-11-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

Tara: How'd the photo shoot go?
Coworker 3: I looked about as badass as the Care Bear Stare...

On the effects of internalizing bad language

2007-11-26T09:23:00.001-08:00

Coworker 3: Hey Tara, is it supposed to be "Pay and Play" or "Pay n' Play"?
Tara: Hmm. I'm going to keep my initial response to myself and say that I *hope* it's "Pay and Play".
Coworker 3: I kind of figured you would.
Tara: I really hate "Pay n' Pay". I actually had a violent reaction to it in my head.
Coworker 3: Really? We'll have to stay away from it then.
Tara: The good news is, I managed to keep it inside. So maybe it'll turn into cancer later.

On conservapedia

2007-11-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

Marq: so I'm just reading your blog
Tara: yup
Marq: the wiki part
Tara: oh right
Marq: on boingboing last week they were comparing the top 10 articles on Wikipedia
to the top 10 articles on the Conservapedia
Tara: okay you have to find that for me
Marq: well you're already familiar with Wikipedia and their top 10:

Main Page [30,090,900]
Wiki [904,800]
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [413,400]
Naruto [401,400]
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock [396,000]
United States [330,000]
Wikipedia [329,400]
Deaths in 2007 [321,300]
Heroes (TV series) [307,500]
Transformers (film) [303,600]

Marq: nothing too surprising there
Tara: some of those are a little surprising, but go on
Marq: however when one goes to the "conservapedia: the encyclopeda for conservative adults" it gets a little...weird
Tara: my brain is already hurting, but go on...
Marq: so before I reveal the top 10, what you would guess most conservatives are MOST curious about. and by conservative, think Right wing alarmists
Tara: Iran?
Marq: pfft. try again
Tara: Britney Spears?
Marq: BUZZZ! no
Tara: okay, I give up
Marq: well number 1 is the front page, no shocker there
Tara: sure
Marq: #2 Homosexuality‎ [1,623,939]
Tara: wow. that's a lot of hits
Marq: wanna take a stab at #2?
Tara: abortion?
Marq: #3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis‎ [518,020]
Tara: WTF?!?!?!
Marq: #4 Homosexuality and Parasites‎ [432,901]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity‎ [422,097]
number 6 is my favourite
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome‎ [401,091]
Tara: COME ON. THAT CAN'T BE REAL.
Marq: http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page. these are their stats
#9 is Homosexuality and Anal Cancer‎ [294,340]
and finally
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health‎ [293,689]
Tara: you left out domestic violence and gonorrhea?
Marq: sorry, how could I leave out the clap? please forgive me
Tara: I'll try my best. I'm looking at gay bowel syndrome right now. this is bizarre and horrifying
Marq: so to review, these are the areas of MOST CONCERN to right wing Americuh. GAY PANIC!
Tara: aren't we lucky they have "The Trustworthy Encyclopedia" to turn to?

On cultural perceptions

2007-11-23T12:25:00.001-08:00

Random Coworker (RC): Tara - I'd like to do a content review with you.
Tara: Content review will need to be next week. Just book something when I’m free and I’ll come by.
RC: Sounds good - enjoy the weekend (blazing fire and a book?)
Tara: Video games, football, and welcoming my best friend back from her book tour :)
RC: Sounds good. My wife is back from India this evening, it will probably be "I've got so much to tell you", then ZZZZZZZ.
Tara: Just based on that statement it sounds like her life is way more exciting than mine.
RC: Maybe, but she doesn't play soccer. I'll tell you all about it next week.
Tara: Me neither. NFL, nachos and drinks all the way ;)
RC: What was I thinking (slap forehead)!
Tara: You’re thinking like a Brit again ;)

On Wikipedia stats

2007-11-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

Coworker 3: Here are some poetic statistics. On the top 100 most popular pages on wikipedia.com:

26 - Hitler
27 - Britney Spears
28 - Masturbation
42 - Germany
43 - Anal Sex
69 - George W Bush
70 - Pornography
71 - The Beatles
79 - Batman
80 - Penis

Coworker 3: ????
Tara: I've got nothing... that's incredible
Coworker 3: and finally:

95 - Beowulf
96 - Vagina
97 - The Holocaust

Coworker 3: I can't believe that the tv show Scrubs is more popular than vaginas
Tara: That doesn't even make sense. Unless it's because people with vaginas like Scrubs, and vaginas ain't no thang because they've already got them ( I can't believe I said that either, but I can't think of a better way to put it)
Ken: LOL. Insightful. I think you might have something there.

On Super Mario Galaxy

2007-11-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Kyle: So I picked up Super Mario Galaxy.
Tara: Nice! How is it?
Kyle: Awesome! It's like happiness shits in your brain.

Things said during Catan with bible study crew

2007-11-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

Kevin: I'm going to mono for brick.
Renee: Jerkwad.
Everyone else: [laughs]
Renee: I mean, Praise the Lord!

On betrayal buns

2007-11-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

Tara: okay, I've just had a bite of the worst cinnamon bun ever. I think that's the first food betrayal I've had at the cafeteria and I was even warned that it wasn't very good
Natalie: bad cinnamon buns are so disappointing. you want them to be good. and then BETRAYAL
Tara: well, typically they're light and fluffy and sticky and have a delicious creamy sugary icing right?
Natalie: yes indeed. like a cinnabon. the ultimate cinnamon bun
Tara: not so with the betrayal cinnamon bun. the pastry was dense and a little hard, not particularly moist, definitely not sticky, and the icing wasn't sweet and tasted sort of like sour cream or cream cheese. BETRAYED.
Natalie: boo! totally betrayed
Tara: it's the betrayal bun
Natalie: give me a minute
[roughly a minute passes]
Natalie: there you go. a poem about your cinnamon bun

Betrayal Bun

deceptive pastry
your swirl malevolence
no sugar can cover
your cruellest crumbling

I bite trusting
expect give and unctuous fullness
disappointment cracks my palate
like teeth shattered against a coin
bitten
expecting chocolate
shattered enamel

hope of tastiness
dashed and useless
as broken teeth in my hand

Guest entry: on looking like William Shatner

2007-11-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

Ed's mom: [describing her physical state the previous day] I looked like William Shatner's mother.
Ed: What?
Ed's mom: What? You take William Shatner, bloat him up a bit and put on breasts on him, that's what I looked like.
Ed: [frantically starts writing for Tara's benefit]

On merkins

2007-11-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Marq: your blog has inspired me to examine fugly.com again
Tara: and? how'd that go?
Marq: *******ADULT MATERIALS********THE WORKPLACE POLICE ARE COMING
Tara: naturally
Marq: I should be escorted out shortly
Tara: it's funny that we can google search anything or see anything on wikipedia regardless of what it's a description of
Marq: like "merkin"
Tara: I don't know what that is and now I have to look and I'm probably going to regret it
Marq: you don't know what a merkin is?
Tara: no
Marq: shall I descibe it?
Tara: no, that's fine. wikipedia just told me. that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard of.
Marq: it is. I try to use the word in conversation as much as possible. if no one is looking you can google image search it
Tara: no need. there's a bright pink one on wikipedia
Marq: I found a sequined one
Tara: sequined eh? wow. liberace would have loved that
Marq: Some saftey instructions I found on the intertoobs: "Your merkin is highly flammable. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Tara: that's awesome. but really, if you manage to set a merkin aflame while wearing it, you probably deserve some crotch burns

On language delerium

2007-11-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tara: I think it's funny how many people think tattoos are not real. Like we'd go to the trouble of getting an incredibly intricate fake tattoo that will look that crisp and real
Natalie: heh. I know
Tara: seriously, where the hell do you get a fake tattoo of a thumbscrew these days?
Natalie: what else could it be?
Tara: sharpie!
Natalie: I know!
Tara: I'm very good at writing greek upsidedown with my left hand. don't know if you knew that about me. I don't like to brag too much
Natalie: ha!
Tara: I've been writing for 3 solid days so I'm a bit of a dink at this point
Natalie: you're awesome when you're all language delerious
Tara: and I'm firmly planted there. you're gonna need farm equipment to get me out at this point
Natalie: you've built a house there?
Tara: yes. I started gardening. it's just phonemes peeking out at this point, but we'll see what happens
Natalie: well, they're a good starter crop
Tara: I'm hoping for a bunch of adverbs, use them in a salad
Natalie: will you rotate to articles next season?
Tara: I could. that's a good idea. as soon as I said "adverbs" I pictured "radishes"
Natalie: word salad!

On tattoos, parte the seconde

2007-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Coworker 1: I wanna get a tattoo. Probably a collage on my back.
Coworker 3: Hey, do you have any tattoos?
Contractor: No, I can't commit to anything enough to get it put on my body.
Coworker 1: I'm gonna get one on my face.
Coworker 3: [laughs] On your face, eh? What are you going to get?
Tara: Another face?
Coworker 1: A big star like that guy from Kiss.
Coworker 3: Paul Stanley? Okay, if you get that, I'll get a cat nose and whiskers on my face.
Contractor: I don't know if I can spend time with you guys if you're going to be such a bad influence on me.
Tara: What's so bad about a cat nose and whiskers?

On garbage cans

2007-10-30T09:06:00.001-07:00

Coworker 2: I'm going to use your private garbage can.
Tara: But that's my private garbage can!

On degrees of fugliness

2007-10-26T13:43:00.001-07:00

Tara: Okay, that's fugly.
Coworker: What's fugly?
Tara: This email. It's completely fugly. And I don't use the word "fugly" that often.
Coworker: That's not just fugly, that's motherfugly.

On Paris Hilton

2007-10-25T09:41:00.001-07:00

Tara: So did you watch the trailer for Repo! The Genetic Opera yet?
Coworker 3: No, not yet.
Tara: It looks incredible. Paris Hilton, Sarah Brightman and Giles from "Buffy" are in it. And we might see Paris Hilton have her entrails removed
Coworker 3: Really?
Tara: From what I've read about it, it seems to be about how there are a whole bunch of organ failures so people are having their organs removed against their wills.
Coworker 3: How many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Tara: I can think of a couple that she doesn't seem to be using.
Coworker 2: [walks up to us]
Tara: Hey, how many organs do you think Paris Hilton could have removed and still live?
Coworker 2: None.
Tara: Seriously? Because she already seems to be functioning without a brain.
Coworker 2: That's not an organ for her, that's an accessory.

On the worst person in the world

2007-10-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Marq: Have you seen the website of the "worst person in the world?"
Tara: No. And you need to see this trailer: http://www.ifilm.com/video/2905684
Marq: not Paris Hilton
Tara: seriously. it's hilarious
Marq: ok but you have to look at this guy. http://johnfitzgeraldpage.com/aboutus.aspx
Tara: I've never heard of this guy
Marq: but you can sense the awesome be sure to check out his 'fitness' page
Tara: oh dear. now I see the email he sent her. he is a douche
Marq: yeah, just a little. even outside of the letter, that website is just ... shocking
Tara: yeah... that fitness page is just sad
Marq: he looks like he's poopin
Tara: yes, yes he does
Marq: screams for lol-catting

On tattoos

2007-10-23T13:04:00.001-07:00

Tara: My friend got a tattoo of a set of thumbscrews on her wrist.
Random female coworker: Oh yeah? I should get a guillotine on my wrist.
Random male coworker: Better than getting it somewhere else...

On why some of my friends are evil

2007-10-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

Tara: I'm not getting a console just for DDR when I'm at your place and Chris's 3 or 4 times a week.
Ed: You're using logic and reasoning again. Those have no place at work, you know that. (:
Tara: I know. it doesn't happen often, so let's not get rid of it this time.
Ed: Guitar Hero?
Tara: I'm not buying a console
Ed: (:
Tara: It doesn't make sense for me to do it when I'm not home most of the time. And you see me playing my DS about 95% of the time that I actually play it. I didn't like guitar hero anyway.
Ed: That's a shame.
Tara: I don't need a Wii. you just want to feel less bad about getting 8 games within the span of a month. peddle your crack elsewhere ;)
Ed: Oh, no, I understand very clearly that I'm both an addict and a terrible person. (...but I'm also a client!) commercial runs through my head)
Tara: I think I'm just the wrong person to try and convince to buy a console. I've had Ryan's cube since March and have played for about 15 total hours
Ed: I'm just trying to make myself feel better for the amount of money I'm going to be spending in November, is all.
Tara: I know it, and I'm not doing it this time. sure, I'll buy 3 DS games at once, but I'm not buying a console :)

On why we need to proofread (guest entry)

2007-10-23T10:02:00.001-07:00

Ed: Do I need access for these?
Coworker: Yes I am have just requested it for you
Ed: Can we are have adding permissions ourselves, or do we am have to request it from another group?

On terrible ideas

2007-10-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Marq: So imagine for a second you are the president of a country and you want to raise a monument to a highly contraversial figure from your country's past. IE: many people love him, but a similar number hate him. What material would you use for said monument?
Tara: probably some sort of stone or concrete.Why?
Marq: Do you think glass would be a good choice?
Tara: No, not really. Glass isn't a great choice for any monument.
Marq: Then congratulations, you're smarter than Hugo Chavez. http://www.kansascity.com/news/world/story/324670.html
Tara: That seems like a terrible idea
Marq: I think those are the only kind of ideas he has. Terrible ones.
Tara: This is the first I've heard of, so in my books he's 1 for 1 on terrible ideas.
Marq: Not to get off on a Chavez rant, but in terms of terrible-ness, this one is pretty minor compared to some of just doozys.
Tara: How many wackos are holding office around the world right now? I'm getting the sense there are way too many.
Marq: Yeah, it's time we learned that democracy just doesn't work.
Tara: True, but I'd like to know what the alternatives are before moving away from it.
Marq: Serfdom?
Tara: "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"
Marq: By the Baron? That's what Barons do
Tara: I was quoting monty python, but sure. It depends on who the Baron is.
Marq: I wish I was a Baron. Droit de seigneur seems like a pretty good deal ...for the Baron
Tara: What would you do with it? I suspect your wife wouldn't be totally cool with you deflowering virgins, even if it is a legal right.
Marq: Yeah, I should have considered that. Perhaps it's for the best that I am not a baron

On dancing birds

2007-10-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

Natalie: Okay, you have to see this.

Neil: Fuck that bird.
Tara: Are you just mad because it has rhythm?
Neil: Yes!

On bigfoot

2007-10-18T12:30:00.001-07:00

Marq: have you ever wondered about male bigfoots and female bigfoots (bigfeet)?
Tara: um... no. why?
Marq: well you only ever hear of apparently male Bigfoots rampaging thru mountain towns
so how do they breed? .... Nevermind, I have the answer, in the form of a movie poster

Tara: that's amazing
Mark: I'll sleep soundly tonight
Tara: no kidding, except it might breed with you
Mark: I sleep on my back
Tara: that's probably for the best

On spam

2007-10-17T08:10:00.001-07:00

Tara: I thought I was getting my first nigerian spam email and it turns out to just be pharmaceutical spam. I'm actually disappointed now

Marq: boner pills?

Tara: yes

Marq: well that's too bad, but at least you get to say the word "boner" today

On why I love IMing with my brother sometimes

2007-10-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

Michael: So I just got off the phone with dad and he says Aunt Jeanne's going to talk to a lawyer.
Tara: What's your phone number?
Michael: Why?
Tara: I have to leave in 10 minutes. I want to talk to you about this, but it's quicker to talk on the phone than to type.
Michael: [gives phone number]
Tara: [dials number]
Michael: brb. the phone's ringing.
Tara: [laughs]
[conversation ensues wherein I'm filled in on the latest family news. when it's over I return to my computer to check the weather before I leave]
Michael: Ok i'm back.
Tara: You're hilarious
Michael: [sunglasses guy emoticon]
Tara: I just laughed out loud
Michael: I'm glad. Ok I'm going for real this time. ttyl
Tara: k bye

On ringtones

2007-10-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

Tara: Is that someone's ringtone?
Natalie: Yeah. It sounds all ethereal and stuff. Your ringtone always sounds like a mystery's being solved, like at the end of CSI.

On D&D and racial profiling

2007-10-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Natalie: You know in D&D how they have half-elves? What do they call a 1/8 elf? An elveroon?

On Elebits

2007-10-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

Ed: I'm trying to get a copy of Rune Factory on Game Trader. I think I can trade Elebits for it.
Tara: Oh yeah, you didn't like that did you?
Natalie: Well, the tutorial wasw so fun and then the game... not so much.
Ed: It's the equivalent of an "I've lost my keys and I'm late for work" game.

On naming

2007-10-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

Coworker 1: My girlfriend doesn't understand why black people name their kids "Ebony".
Coworker 3: Why?
Tara: That's like me naming my kid "Ivory".
Coworker 3: What's wrong with that?
Tara: I read a few years ago that the Quebec government wouldn't let a couple name their kid "Ivory" because it was a brand name.
COworker 3: When I have a kid some day I'm going to name it "Shitmix two thousand and whatever year it is".
Tara: I don't think you'll be allowed.
Coworker 3: Because "Shitmix" is a brand name?
Tara: No, because it has swearing in it.
Coworker 1: You should name your kid "Douche".
Coworker 3: And I'll just tell the government it's French for bag or whatever.
Tara: I think it's french for shower.
Coworker 1: Or you can call it "La Douche".
Coworker 3: Or add an "El" so it's like "El Douch-ay".
Tara: That's a little too close to "Il Duce".
Coworker 3: What's that?

On ice cream

2007-10-09T09:31:00.001-07:00

Natalie: Isn't the avocado ice cream so good?
Tara: I know. I think I'm going to mix it now with the mango.
Matthew: You were the queen of mixing ice cream when you were younger. I remember you always mixing Neopolitan.
Natalie: Neopolitan is like the asshole of ice creams.

On pro athletes failing urine tests

2007-10-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Natalie: I think I should sell fraudulent pee on the Internet.

On smurfs

2007-10-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

Tara: Natalieeeeeeee!
Natalie: What?
Tara: Neil's there!
Natalie: Neil's where?
Tara: He's drunk!
Neil: No I'm not. I'm just happy.
Tara: You're like a smurf.
Neil: Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Natalie: [mocking] Why you gotta go to the smurf place?
Neil: I hate you all.

On things without shame

2007-09-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

Tara: Daisy, you have no shame.
Daisy: [Wags tail like a maniac, even though she's laying down]
Tara: I'm taking a photo of this.
Daisy: [Continues to wag tail like a maniac]

On boring meetings

2007-09-27T09:57:00.001-07:00

Tara: a little over an hour and I get to go get my butter chicken :D. gross. then I have an hour long meeting directly after lunch. I kid you not, it's called "SharePoint Governance". I'm on the sharepoint governance committee.
Ed: Sounds.....(thump of unconscious body hitting desk)

On why she uses the feather

2007-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Gabrielle: [playing Super Mario Bros on GBA] This level I use the feather to fly because it's a really hard level. The sun flies down and tries to get you. It's a mad sun. It had a hard time at home.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

On why it was okay for her friend to come over even though her parents weren't home yet

2007-09-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

Gabrielle: [on phone with friend] My best friend is here and she's an adult so you can come over. She lives here and... she's an adult. She's short, but... yeah. So you can come over.
Tara: [puts head on table trying not to laugh out loud]

On turds, gunts and titmice

2007-09-24T15:19:00.001-07:00

Tara: So I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do when my brother is here next Friday. Saturday Natalie's going to do a thanksgiving dinner, and then Rosanne's doing hers on the Sunday.
Marq: Nice.
Tara: Yeah, Natalie's thinking about doing a turducken.
Marq: Where does one find a deboned duck? Or the other things in turducken?
Tara: I'm not sure. I think you can just buy turduckens at some butchers.
Marq: I don't think "turducken" is a very good portmanteau. The word "turd" should not be a part of the name for any food.
Tara: [giggles] Ha! You said "turd". I can't deal with that word or "gunt". They make me laugh every time I hear them unexpectedly.
Marq: [laughs] Gunt! "Titmouse" does that to me too.
Tara: [laughs too hard at the word "titmouse" to respond, wipes some tears away] That's beautiful.

On holocausts

2007-09-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

Coworker 3: did i tell you about my hideously morbid neteller nuclear holocaust dream?
Tara: no
Ken: .... consider yourself lucky :-P
Tara: I wish you could have seen my face when I read that line
Ken: hahahah. it wasn't even really that morbid as far as ...y'know nuclear holocausts go
Tara: is there such a thing as a happy nuclear holocaust? deformed rabbits hopping on one and a half leg through a blackened, former meadow?
Coworker 3: that's kind of happy. but i think there are much happier scenarios for a nuclear "holocaust". for example. say there's a certain type of wheat that germinates particularily well under immense radioactive bombardment and this wheat is growing next to a field of sugar cane and instead of hydrogen or uranium the bomb was made from only the finest glacial waters in the kootenay--we're talking about the nuclear payload here. now, we've got all the ingredients here for a fine tasting lager except hops. this is where things get tricky. basically, if all the people living in the target area stored a few bags of hops in their homes when the bomb detonated, it would instantly brew millions of gallons of big rock grasshopper. it would be, in effect, an alcoholocaust
Tara: I can't deal with this. I'm posting it to the blog and I need to always work with you
Coworker 3: well, i'm still working out the science behind it. but, i think it can be done
Tara: you make it happen, and everyone in Canada will be on board. I'd prefer to get trad in my house during the alcoholocaust though
Coworker 3: if you wish to have every cell in your body instantly atomized by a darker, richer flavoured explosion with a hint of nuts, then you will need to store slightly different ingredients in your neighborhood.
Tara: I can arrange that

Why she's my favourite kid

2007-09-21T05:55:00.001-07:00

Tara: Stop tickling my ribs with your toes!
Gabrielle: Stop tickling my toes with your ribs!
Tara: My ribs don't move on their own!

On barbecued eel

2007-09-19T15:26:00.001-07:00

Coworker 2: I don't like barbecued eel. It tastes like dirt.
Tara: No, it tastes like barbecue. But its texture is weird. Sort of like fish, sort of like meat.
Coworker 3: It's feet!

On Celine Dion

2007-09-18T14:42:00.001-07:00

Tara: hey dude. do you know where Neil is?
Natalie: right next to me=). he hates you
Tara: why? oh. right. the video

Natalie: yep. the video
Tara: tell him it's payback for his friend's blog. I'm just sharing pain with the rest of you :). is that not the worst video ever?
Natalie: it is HORRIBLE
Tara: I know. it's so bad I considered not listening to music anymore
Natalie: ever again? any music?
Tara: yes. but then changed my mind. it was a brief thought
Natalie: but it still almost destroyed music for you forever, and that amuses me
Tara: oh yes, she did do that. but really, I'm surprised she hasn't done that for more people
Natalie: I hate celine dion more than I can ever express to you. I hope that cancer bees rape her in the eyeballs
Tara: I'm trying not to laugh loudly. http://bestpicever.com/pic-853-Bee-on-my-eye
Natalie: that's the best picture ever

On bromanties

2007-09-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Chris: Karrie and I are going to finish 'In Her Shoes' tomorrow night.
Tara: I still can't believe you like that movie. You have more of a
uterus than I do.
Chris: I'm wearing my manties!
Tara: You're *what*?
Ryan: I overheard it at school. It's genius because it's so obvious.
Tara: Please name Chris' mangina, Natalie. He's out of hand.
Natalie: Hmm...ah. I have it. Lady Winnifred Cockleshell Herringbone III.
Tara: Amazing.
Chris: Manties!
Tara: Best new word ever.
Natalie: What about bromance? I still like that one.
Chris: Would those involved in a bromance wear bromanties?
Ryan: Bromanties sounds like a greek god.
Natalie: Yeah. Bromantes, god of saunas and foreskin.

Heard at Blow-Out

2007-09-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

Chris E: That's me. [points to Miss Lamp]
Tara: That's not you, that's your book you liar.
Blow-Out Attendee: [laughs] Is this your wife?
Tara and Chris E: [laughs] No, no no no.
Blow-Out Attendee: Does she cook you breakfast a couple of times a week?
Tara: I cook for no one.

On hateful cupcakes

2007-09-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

Tara: There was a good post last week where there's the line "Nazis don't get cupcakes".
Ryan: What if it's a Nazi cupcake?
Tara: There's no such thing.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake with a swastika on it?
Tara: Nope, they don't get them.
Ryan: What if it's a cupcake that hates Jews?
Tara: I don't think there's a such thing. Cupcakes don't hate.
Ryan: What if there's a cupcake that doesn't like black people?
Tara: No, no such thing.
Ryan: Listen. The Nazi cupcakes are made by crazy Nazi mad scientists. Nazi cupcakes are born, not bred.

On homicide

2007-09-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

Neil's friend: So there was that quintuple murder-suicide in Victoria.
Neil: WHAT?!
Tara: Yeah. Didn't you hear about that? A guy in the middle of a divorce killed his wife, their kid, her parents and then himself, all with a knife.
Neil: Well that's how you know he means it.

On naked mole rats

2007-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Tara: someone sent me a photo of a naked mole rat. it looks like a penis with front teeth
Natalie: you can't just SAY THAT TO ME when I am SWALLOWING LIQUID. that. is. amazing.

On other people's misery in film

2007-09-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

Tara: I saw The Lives of Others last night. It was amazing.
Coworker 3: Really? Okay, I'll watch that if you watch Letters from Iwo Jima.
Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 3: It's this Clint Eastwood movie that's totally dope. About how the Japanese were preparing for 2 months for this battle against the Americans that they knew they would lose. It's in black and white and is beautiful.
Coworker 1: That sounds good.
Coworker 3: Yeah, it's not like his other movies, like Million Dollar Baby. That movie was so depressing I went and smothered my kids whispering "You don't need to live in this world anymore".
[Editor's note: he doesn't have any kids]
Coworker 1: I didn't even finish it, it was so depressing.
Coworker 3: That movie is so depressing it makes Schindler's List look like a musical comedy.
Tara: I can't believe you just said that.
Coworker 1: Schindler's list isn't that bad once you get past the first hour and a half.
Tara: What? The holocaust?
Coworker 1: I like the holocaust. At least it's entertaining.
Tara: [sitting in a puddle of abject horror] I think you just bought your ticket to Hell.
Coworker 3: You sir just demonstrated that you have your finger on the pulse of marketing. "What? It's just the holocaust. We'll make a movie about it and it'll make millions!" That's why I'm going to go home and watch United 93 and World Trade Center back to back, eating popcorn and glorifying other people's misery.
Coworker 1: I tried to watch World Trade Center and couldn't do it because Nicolas Cage is in it.
Tara: Yeah, I try to avoid his movies.
Coworker 3: You know what's next? They're going to make software so they start showing movies about the worst times in your life. "I'm going to watch the movie about that time I got dumped." "No, wait, I'm going to watch the movie about when my dad got fired. And Nicolas Cage plays my dad yelling at me to go to my room."

On the king of Emotown

2007-09-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

Neil: would you like to read something truly emo?
Tara: uh... sure? who wrote it?
Neil: did i ever tell you about the writer in my class, captain mcemo pants?
Tara: I think so, but I can't remember which one he is
Neil: he's the overly dramatic, self-hating overweight gossip who reminds me in some twisted way of the guy i was (but not) in high school.
Tara: I'm not sure that sounds familiar. You may have talked about him, but I just don't remember. that's enough of a preamble to emo though
Neil: ah. well...i'm not sure how this will translate if you don't know him, but his blog is just...it's painful, is what it is. [URL withheld to protect the innocent]
Tara: "I didn't get the girl either." ugh
Neil: i know!
Tara: that's awful
Neil: i know! it's so overwrought.
Tara: oh dear: "They may be getting better ratings now, but I doubt they remember the one-man fighting army that fought for anime in that company. I had to fight for the anime not be taken out even at the risk of my job." one-man fighting army eh?
Neil: army of one, dear. army. of. one. seriously, i think he writes the way 13-15 year old boys feel.
Tara: the entry from Sunday, September 2nd, 2007 makes me want to kill myself just to get away from it. "I'm suffering from one-titis..."
Neil: see, that makes me feel better about my essential humanity. his life is a perpetual emotional trainwreck. from "what about love": If I can keep a bit of my naivette, it's my idealistic outlook on love. It'll never happen, hell I don't even believe in marriage anymore. I only believe in the monetary benefits of it.
Tara: oh come on. okay, this might win the WTF award:

I'll only be convinced my work is good if somebody actually totally dedicated themselves as true fans or if someone buys it for great amounts of money. Other than that, I will simply deny that my work is any good. I'll believe in it, only to sell it. But deep inside I know my work sucks. It doesn't have critical acclaim, I'll just sell it. Like a whore on the streets, I'll whore it out until someone really gets it and goes for it.

from then on it's contradiction after contradiction. Tara: I feel bad for him, and yet I don't know that I can ever read his blog again
Neil: yeah. i feel bad for him, too, but he does do it to himself. and he's kind of two faced. he said some shit about the scientist that was uncool. and about me. but never to our faces. we just heard about it afterward and, well, he's got this whole inner world that's just...fascinating.
Tara: yeah. it makes me a little glad he's far away though. there are inner worlds, and then there are inner worlds where you're the King of Emotown, wading through puddles of tears and lost dreams. I still feel bad for him, but to a point
Neil: well, he does bathe in the fountain of his lost innocence. right next to the boulevard of broken dreams. that street he's on? it's got no name. and the sun never shines. winter approaches.
Tara: okay, but I don't think you referred to yourself that way anyway
Neil: man...read the karma one. it's amazing. "what are you doing today, captain mcemo pants?" "what am i doing? me? karmic survivor? emotional holocaust victim? i am pushing forward. waging war against a mediocrity that fails to understand my genuis...and the chinese girls who refuse to date me"
Tara: FUck you Karma eh?
Neil: yes! "you just have to kill me"
Tara: his passion and will are ironclad, but are his underpants?
Neil: that is the question.

On games I don't play

2007-09-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Natalie: Were you the one who told me about the "punch you in the asshole" game or was that my brother?
Mike: Uh, that was your brother. [turns to me] Tara, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm not going to play that game with you.
Tara: That's fine. I don't play that game.
Mike: Natalie, you're going to have to play it yourself. You'll be there punching yourself in the asshole and then you'll wonder "why am I punching myself? I like myself"
Natalie: Is that like a donkey punch?
Mike and Tara and Ed: NO!!!
Natalie: Well what is it?
[Mike explains what it is. Wikipedia description]
Tara: I hate you guys. I can't write all of this down.
Natalie: Your blog post should be called "Donkey punch in the asshole game"

On mother nature

2007-09-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

Jade: Did anyone else see that commercial? Why is mother nature dressed up like some sort of hoochie mama who just came off a runway?
Natalie: Because even mother nature needs the cock.

On lying

2007-09-08T11:15:00.001-07:00

Natalie: You're back! And what did you bring?
Neil: Chips and eggs. I participated.
Tara: Barely!
Neil: I chose the chips.
Tara: Yeah, but you chose sour cream and onion just because I said it.
Natalie: I like sour cream and onion chips.
Neil: And I knew that. [pauses] Actually I'm lying.
Natalie: You're a professional liar.
Neil: That's very true.
Tara: I suppose, because I'm in marketing, I'm a professional liar too.
Natalie: That's true!
Tara: But I make more money.
Natalie: That's because you lie for the man.

On the unholy triumvirate

2007-09-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

Tara: I've never seen hentai. And I'm okay with that.
Coworker 3: You don't need to.
Coworker 1: For some reason guys send that sort of thing to each other. I still haven't ever seen goatse and I don't want to.
Tara: Yeah, I'm pretty proud that I've never seen goatse, tub girl or lemon party.
Coworker 1: Lemon party is gross. I remember seeing that, closing it and then opening it again. Because you have to look twice.
Coworker 3: [eating breakfast]
Coworker 1: Lemon party will make you cringe but tub girl actually has that gag reflex factor.
Coworker 3: [doesn't look happy to be eating breakfast at that exact moment in time]
Tara: How's that breakfast working out for you?
Coworker 3: Not so great.
Tara: I don't ever want to see them but I think that if a gun were held to my head and I had to choose one to see or die, I would choose lemon party.
Coworker 3: Ugh. No.
Coworker 1: I could see that. It would be different for a chick.
Coworker 3: You know, you just need to go ahead and do it. See them all and get it all out of the way. You know what Nietzsche said. You need to stare into the abyss...
Tara: That is goatse?

Guest Entry: When you're young, in love and nerdly

2007-09-06T08:40:00.001-07:00

Ed: Natalie! You have to watch this. This is awesome.
Natalie: what's up?
Ed: http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/102789.html
Natalie: okay
Ed: It's a review for Bioshock, and it's the way I want all my games reviewed.
Natalie: oh my god. "I wasn't aware the boiled water could form allegiances". "fuck the pope". I think I just peed.
Ed: See?!
Natalie: Ah!!!
Ed: It's brilliant and it's at a pace I can follow.
Natalie: "In the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of hitler and skeletor whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence."
Ed: Indeed.
Natalie: [heart]
Ed: You're welcome.
Natalie: thanks [equal smile]

On Nazis and cupcakes and not getting them

2007-09-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

Natalie: So I was reading the other day about how there's a Neo-Nazi group here in Calgary.
Tara: Seriously?
Natalie: Yeah. They're in Kensington. Scary with fucking jackboots and neck tattoos.
Tara: But Kensington? That's our favourite neighbourhood with the best cupcakes and my tattoo guy.
Natalie: Nazis don't get cupcakes!
Tara: No. Nazis DON'T get cupcakes!

Guest entry: Things said at the sabbath

2007-08-31T02:13:00.001-07:00

[Editor's note: I've been away for a week and a half and missed this week's Sabbath. Natalie was kind enough to send me a couple of gems from last night's sabbath.]

Natalie: So the elf mage has to stay behind because she's a woman.
Neil: Yep, See, she's in bed in a nighty and looks flushed. Clearly some sort of woman sickness prevents her from adventuring.
Natalie: a touch of the hysteria perhaps.
Neil: It's totally her uterus.
Natalie: why does that other chick get to go, though?
ryan: That other woman's had a hysterectomy.

***************************************************************************************

ryan: Vulcans are the elves of space.

On used bookstore finds

2007-08-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

Tara: okay, so Cambridge? AWESOME. I took no photos because I just wanted to look around and take everything in, but it's so beautiful here
Ed: That is very cool, that.
Tara: I went into a used bookstore and found a nearly complete set of Alexander Pope books from 1745 on the shelves. on the damn shelves
Ed: That's the slowest stock turnover I've ever heard of.

On spiders

2007-08-28T02:17:00.001-07:00

Karin: SPIDER!
Tara: What?
Karin: There's a spider. Can you kill it?
Tara: Sure. Wow, it's moving fast. [goes and gets toilet paper]
Karin: It's under the bed now.
Tara: Where? Oh. I need more toilet paper. That's big enough to be its own ecosystem.
Karin: That's not even a really big one.
Tara: It's plenty big enough. [catches spider] This guy's getting the big flush.

On shame

2007-08-28T02:16:00.001-07:00

Karin: Remember him?
Tara: No. He's really hot though.
Karin: That's Sam. Remember him?
Tara: No.
Karin: Becky's little brother.
Tara: You're joking. He looks like he's at least 30.
Karin: He's probably 19.
Tara: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Conversation on the plane to England

2007-08-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

[flight attendant hands out landing card to be filled out and handed over to customs]
Girl on plane: Do you need a pen?
Tara: No thanks.
[entire conversation for 9 hours. her book sure looked interesting]

On church

2007-08-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

Tara: I'm so glad I left early and took that nap yesterday. I ended up taking my friend to the airport much later than we had planned.
Coworker 3: You should have punched her in the face.
Tara: I'm not going to punch her in the face. She takes me to and from the airport all of the time. Plus, we go to church together.
Coworker 3: Then I would especially punch her in the face.
Tara: You'd probably punch someone in the face if they took you to church.
Coworker 3: Right, that's it.
Tara: I'll have to remember never to invite you to church, not that I was planning on it.
Coworker 3: You'd say "Do you want to come to church with me?" and I'd start making a fist and ask "What denomination?" and when you say "Cathopresbyanglibapti..." I'd start making the other fist.
Tara: Yeah, but I'd say it and you wouldn't even know anyway. I've gone to church for most of my life and I'd never heard of it before I started going.
Coworker 3: What denomination is it?
Tara: Alliance
Coworker 3: Is that the opposite of Horde?

On Nigella Lawson's boobs

2007-08-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

Tara: 6 people have found my site by looking up "nigella lawson boobs", but there's also one who looked up "+"nigella lawson" +boobs" and one who looked up "nigella boobs". I think we know what the internet wants...
Natalie: nigella lawson's saucy british boobs, of course
Tara: she does have excellent boobs, but really... they must be disappointed when they hit my site. they should just watch her show
Natalie: but they must do regular internet searches and be constantly vigilant until the secret nigella sex tape appears
Tara: but who is she with? is it Gordon Ramsey? Jamie Oliver? God forbid, it might even be her husband!
Natalie: Oh no. it's just nigella. and all her kitchen gadgets
Tara: I suspect if that made its way on the internet, some people might never leave their homes

On tossing off

2007-08-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ed: I just received mail from a guy named David Tosoff. I'm so sorry to hear about that name...
Tara: no kidding
Ed: I had to explain it to Natalie.
Tara: I'm thinking just "toss off"
Ed:

Ed: That is hilarious. ...and I just received mail from an unfortunate IT guy named David Tosoff.
Natalie: oh? why unfortunate?
Ed: In the 80s, tossing off was a euphemism for masturbation.
Natalie: oh! I see [equal smile] back when dinosaurs roamed the earth
Ed: Shut up.

Tara: ah. yeah, I didn't know that either
Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.
Ed: That's for the best.
Tara: I like to think so

*******************************************************************************8

Tara: I think I might have just broken Ed's heart. I didn't know what a toss off was either
Natalie: hee. I made a comment about it being in the vernacular during the Jurassic period
Tara: :)
Tara:

Ed: Really? Am I truly that old?
Tara: you had older siblings and I didn't
Ed: It was in all those terribly angsty 80s movies.
Tara: I haven't watched any of those in a long time.

Natalie: poor Ed
Tara: I know. but really, there's no reason for a girl who was born in '79 to know that. I certainly couldn't "toss off"
Natalie: absolutely not. laughing
Tara: still can't, as far as I know
Natalie: unless you're a miracle of science, no

On names

2007-08-10T09:53:00.001-07:00

Coworker 3: New Zealand won't let these people name their baby "4real".
Tara: That's just stupid. That baby should be taken away.
Coworker 3: Then the baby would be named "4adoption".

On ruined childhoods

2007-08-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Tara: http://www.stevetastic.com/POST/sesamesmall.jpg
Coworker 3: awesome
Tara: a little part of my childhood just rolled up into the fetal position and died
Coworker 3: psssh, don't worry. i burned through all those pieces years ago. like kindling in the bonfire of my innocence
Tara: I thought I had a couple left. maybe not. oh wait, I still have pure memories of Jem and Rainbow Brite that can be annihilated
Coworker 3: i had a jem lite brite pattern
Tara: that's awesome
Coworker 3: but my friend donny used two red bulbs to give her glowing nipples. bonfire
Tara: okay, I guess she's ruined now too

On symbols

2007-08-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Marq: So I saw the weirdest thing in the mall yesterday.
Tara: What's that?
Marq: A youngish woman, in her 20's, with matching skull and crossbones tattoos on her upper chest. So, on her boobs essentially.
Tara: Dammit she stole my idea! :)
Marq: Being as the skull and crossbones symbol is pretty much internationally recognized as "poison," do you think she''ll appreciate the implications of breastfeeding?
Tara: I have no idea, but that's amazing
Marq: Like she could have used a different symbol for at least one of them...
explosive
DANGER
or...
High Voltage
anything but poison
Tara: Or she knows what she's really like and isn't afraid to say it. Or really likes pirates and didn't think about the poison symbol.
Marq: I suppose BioHazard might be the only worse choice she could have made.
Tara: Combustible might end a sex life
Marq: Or...
enhance it ;)

Things said while watching Rome

2007-08-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

Setting the stage: Tara and Ed are watching an episode of Rome. Agrippa is awkwardly trying to tell Octavia that he wants her. Octavia says "I shall always love you like a brother."

Ed: Uh oh, that's not good for him.
Tara: Naw, it's fine. Remember, she slept with her brother.

On Canadian literature

2007-08-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Tara: I'd like to read more from Indian writers.
Coworker 2: Have you read The God of Small Things?
Tara: That's the one with the brother and the sister right?
Coworker 2: Yes.
Tara: Yes, I've read it. I actually thought it was Canadian since most Canadian novels have incest in them.

On monkeys grabbing peaches

2007-08-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Tara: I like the space on the underside of the forearm just below the elbow. I don't know what I would want to get tattooed there so for now it will remain blank.
Coworker 3: You should get a monkey grabbing a peach.
Tara: Yes, I should get a picture of a monkey grabbing a peach. You know, it's interesting that they use the word "peach" for that since in literature it's used as a metaphor for the female genitalia.
Coworker 3: Oh yeah, that is interesting. What should they use then?
Tara: Monkey grabbing cherries?
Coworker 3: Monkey grabbing plums?
Tara: I guess it depends on the opponent.

On drunks and babies

2007-08-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

Marq: and speaking of cute babies, check out this video of my son.
Tara: that's so great!
Marq: yeah, that's the first time he took more than 3 stumbling steps in a row
Tara: I totally see why people think babies look like they're drunk when they just start walking
Marq: oh he is totally my little drunk buddy...walks poorly, poor motor control, cries for no reason, likes to hug people, occasional leakage, spits up, prone to fits of giggling. all those things describe drunks AND babies.
Tara: true

On the circus

2007-07-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

Natalie: Is that a poster for the circus? Who even goes to the circus?
Tara: Families. Did something happen to you at the circus?
Natalie: No, nothing happened to me at the circus.
Tara: Did you see something awful at the circus?
Natalie: No!
Ed: Did you get pooped on by an elephant at the circus so they had to pull you out?
Natalie: Ewwwww. NO, I DID NOT GET POOPED ON BY AN ELEPHANT.
Tara: You really saw nothing bad at the circus?
Natalie: NO! I just think they're mean to the elephants and that bear really doesn't want to ride the little bicycle.
Tara: Did one of your aunts run away to the circus?
Natalie: No, one of my aunts ran away to Africa. A couple of people I went to highschool with ran away to become carnies though.
Tara: I would rather my aunt joined the circus than go to Africa. The circus comes to town once a year so I'd still get to see her.

On the Gilmore Girls

2007-07-30T09:09:00.001-07:00

Tara: And I managed to get Gilmore Girls season 6 for $40 on eBay delivered. That's way cheaper than what you can get it for in the store.
Coworker 3: I could have given you ipecac syrup for free.
Tara: As much as the guys would have had you believe, I actually am a chick.
Coworker 3: Yeah, but my suggestion that it induce vomiting is based on my status as a human being.
Coworker 2: That'd be like watching Dawson's Creek.
Tara: Except if you watched that you'd have to hit yourself in the junk.
Coworker 3: To make sure it's still working.
Tara: "Yeah, I guess James Van Der Beek is a better actor than I remembered."
Coworker 2: [pantomimes punching self in the junk]

On graffiti

2007-07-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

Mike W: I wrote graffiti.
Tara: You wrote on my car?
Mike W: No, it's from a song. "Yes indeedy, I wrote graffiti."
Tara: Doesn't saying "yes indeedy" go against the spirit of writing graffiti? That's like Ned Flanders saying he wrote graffiti.

Things said at Mike W's going away party

2007-07-27T23:38:00.001-07:00

Chris: Anyone want some Stella [Artois]? This is terrible beer.
Ed: Way to sell it there Chris.
Chris: I mean it's delicious! Jeremy's brother said that in England it's called "wife beater".
Mike W: Do you want some Moosehead?
Ryan: That's the "wife beater" of Newfoundland.
Natalie: Although I imagine that if you have a Newfie accent, even beating your wife is quaint.

**************************************************************************

Natalie: Once, in gradeschool, in response to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?", I said I wanted to goal tend for the National Tonsil Hockey Association.

**************************************************************************

Chris: So when are you flying out?
Natalie: Wednesday.
Mike W: Yup.
Chris: The only difference is that you're coming back.
Natalie: That's right. But Mike, you should totally come back for the summer.
Mike W: Yeah, you can make $8000 a month on the rigs.
Chris: But you lose fingers.
Natalie: And they put you out there for 32 days so you have to make love to a hot buttered bagel.
Mike W: I can deal with getting $8000 for a finger. I'll type with stumps.

On overreacting

2007-07-24T11:14:00.001-07:00

Tara: So my brother just told me that some guy he went to highschool with killed 3 people.
Coworker 3: Seriously?
Tara: Rumour is he invited some dude over who was his dealer and knew that the guy worked in a gay bar but didn't know he was gay. Apparently he woke up and the guy was sucking him off and he strangled him.
Coworker 3: Wow. That's pretty intense. And seems sort of excessive. Like, why not be grateful for the free blow job?
Tara: I know.
Coworker 3: Something like that happened to one of my friends and some guy he went to highschool with. He had passed out and woke up to see the guy was working away at him. He was stressed but decided to let him finish.
Tara: That's hilarious. He was stressed about it later, but still. He let him finish and he didn't go kill anyone over it. I think you only seriously freak out about something like that if you're afraid you're gay.
Tara: You're probably right.